This Episode Is Not Titled Dilly Dilly

Release date	2 May 2018
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Earwolf/Stitcher page	earwolf
Episode number	6
Previous episode	Pop Eyedol
Next episode	Stop Making It Plural

"This Episode Is Not Titled Dilly Dilly" is episode number 6 of Threedom. It was released on Wed, 2 May 2018.

Synopsis

Scott, Paul and Lauren discuss belly buttons and age differences in relationships. Then during their feature segment, the three hosts play Hyperthetical.

Episode Transcript

adding the raw software transcription, so that multiple people can help organize the text better. Alone, this would take a really long time

Episode 06 - May 2, 2018

episode title: This Episode is Not Titled Dilly Dilly

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Yeah. Wow. Puppy time game. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Ma out. Hi everyone. We're back. It's us again. I'm across, sorry. From the lady with a goat on her sweater. Kiss. It's a goat. It's a woman's insides that I'm across from a man with just a white shirt. Has That's right. Else. Laptop. Donald ducking it. That's right. Quack. Quack. And I. And right across from this motherfucker wearing two shirts. Steve Bannon style. Steve Bannon style. Just Scott Ackerman. Does Steve Bannon wear one button down with a t-shirt under don't wears two button, two button downs on top of each other. It's the you gotta look for and fatigues. It's, I'm Googling this so crazy. I don't understand. That's like a, is that like a rich, preppy look? It's a, yeah, some sort of naval affectation. I don't really know what it is. A naval affectation. I don't know. Oh wow. I mean, from the, from the Navy. Not uh, the belly button. No, I, it's an affectation from his belly button. It had to do his mummy. Um, he looks like he's just floating away in them. Welcome to the show, everyone. This is the show where we just talk about stuff and, uh, yeah, dude, it's tight. It's, uh, you just, it's tight. Saw it, you just saw it. It's tight. It's tight. Tight. I dated someone without a belly button once. What? Why Doud? Was it Patricia Heaton? Why did she not have one or he. Uh, thank you. Um, because of some sort of way, uh, that she was born. It was interesting that she not, cause it was a clone, some sort of way that she was born, clone, did not have an umbilical cord. This was a sex doll. No, you have to have an umbilical cord. It was, it was through some other, it was not in that part of her body or something. It was interesting. What you need to have more info. Sounds like you dated a liar. It was a while ago. I don't recall the de So, so was it, tell me, was it weird? It was. I mean, it was, there was nothing that, what, what's weirder is the fact that we all have something there, isn't it? Like we all have some Sure. But we all do. No, it's not so, but you know what I mean? Like, when you saw her nude, if you ever did, was it shocking or was it more like you were just like, oh, okay. It wa I mean it definitely was, uh, it was interesting. It was definitely one of those things where I'm like, oh, this is your, your brain doesn't register it the right way of like, oh, there, there should be something there. But it, it certainly is. You know, I would just, did she have a hole somewhere else that you saw, like anal sex? Is that what you're asking? Saying, no, it was her belly button, but it was on her butt. Like where the, I'm just saying, was there a place where like you would, you would put the bicycle pump in to pump her up every night? Yeah. You come on guys. You're fucking a doll. You like a doll. You like a doll. What if I was in a relationship with a sex doll? I, there are people, there are people like Lars or the real girl There you have you watched like those shows where it's like my strange sex addiction or whatever? No, I saw one about someone who ate drywall. Oh yeah. Well, yeah. My strange addiction. That one, they, or the woman who's like, I eat couch and she just eats like the sky of the couch, couch, couch. And the doctor like found out that she'd eaten like, Many cushions up to that point. Like she would just swallow a C, she would just like reach in and grab the stuffing. Like was she dreamy of eating a marshmallow? Yeah. She would reach and grab the, like the Rip Bull stuffing. Not like cotton, but like when it's like kind of squishy. Mm-hmm. Are you singing the Cottons song? Yeah, the Fabric of Our Lives. The Fabric of Life? Yeah. That the, the lady who ate drywall, that was, she would just sit on the couch and she would like, Reach into a hole that she had like dug into her wall and then she would just like, but it's the thing it's called on drywall called Peka, and it's when you have, I think it's Pica. Oh, oh. I've only read it. I think it's Pica. Okay. Yeah. Um, it's when you have like a desire for something like that, like dirt or something, which has a lot of irons don't hurt. You're actually trying to fulfill a need that your body has. Pregnant women happens to pregnant women a little. Yeah. And babies. I mean, like kids, like they'll, well they're dumb, but they'll eat dirt. But it's interesting, my ne my nephew who's a baby, eats a, eats dirt and sand, like at the, oh my God, so much like you go to the beach and he's just like eating the sand. I said, does he need something? He's not getting, what is he? Cause that made me think about that when I heard about that. Mm-hmm. Interesting. Cigarette butts. Yeah. He loves those. He, he loves cigarette butts. He needs nicotine. I love when a baby eats dirt. They like grab a hell out of a potted plant or something and then they have that look on their face, my, where they're chewing it. Like this isn't what, what is happening, but he it, he likes it. He likes it. Hey, we all know that one. Yeah. This is usually the show where Paul and I know references that Lauren does not know and vice versa. Yep. It's true. So I'm glad that we all found common ground on this. I know. Can you think of a reference that we definitely don't know? Yeah. Okay. Um, get us with it. Okay. Actually, I was gonna mention the last episode, but I was like, let's gonna go nowhere cause you dunno what I'm talking about. Mm-hmm. But maybe it'll, um, do you know the show Weinerville that was on Nickelodeon in the early nineties and it was a, but I thought you might know it because it was a com I'm assuming a comedian who did this show like a, a man and he would be the. It would be his head. Mm. When you were describing the puppet that your dad made, made me think of this. Oh, okay. It was, it would be his head and then like a little body, like he'd be like a puppet of himself. Isn't Nick DePalo? I don't know the name of the guy. Oh, mark. His name was Mark Wiener. Oh yeah. Okay. I know who the comedian is. Oh, but I know I did not know about the show. Interesting. He had a kid show, he used to do this on standup stages. He used to have like a little tiny, little tiny, yes. Well, he would, and it also reminds me of the Mr Shows sketch. Yeah. He would do sort, right? I sort of remember this. Yeah. Yeah. He had like a little table and then he would put, because I think he did this as a street performer too, right? He would have like a little sort of black box on the stage where he would make his fist into a puppet on a, a puppet head on a body, yeah. And do little stuff. And an interesting thing about him was he was an Orthodox Jew and he could not do Saturday night shows. Oh. So it was always like, that's where the money is. When he would come to town, we would get more work because he couldn't do he do Saturday night show. So everyone got to do, like, if you were working, if you were the mc, you got to then be the feature actor. The feature and, and was he big like people? Oh yeah. He had a huge, yes. So, so this was a big deal. He got the show, but you didn't know about it. Well, back then you wouldn't watch that. Exactly. Then if you were refused. If you were a comedian and you had any, any sort of appearance on tv, it would be a big deal when you came to town. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because hey, these comedy on the road. Yeah. Well, interesting. That's cool. Okay, well I'll try to think of another one. Um, like a, like a, you know what I heard the other day was, I guess Dilly Dilly is a thing or something. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know. I just saw something about that. I don't know what that, and I said that the other day and, and uh, my friend was like, yeah, dilly Dilly. Like everyone knows what Dilly Dilly is. Joe Winger posted a picture of California shirt and said, dilly Dilly. I was like, what is that? I only know it from a Bud Light commercial. That's what it's from. That's, but that caught on. Everyone says it. That makes me furious. I don't what people really say this. Wait, black wear's the beef. Is it ironic? No, wait. Everyone loves it. Mean, mean. I don't know. I, I don't understand what it means on the commercial because it's okay. It means the best kind of person or thing. You rescue me when I was blackout drunk. Dilly dilly. Uh, so okay. It was a thing. Doesn't make sense, but it was Tim Allen. So it was a thing before this Bud Light commercial. No, it can't be from the commercial. It's caught on to that extent. Now I want you to give a reference that I might not know, but not superhero comics related. Cause I just wouldn't know that anyway. Okay. Okay. Um, from a, something from like a commercial maybe, uh, from, uh, Our childhood. Hi guy. Do you remember that? What was that again? That's Hi guy. That's so ancient. Ancient Chinese secret there. Huh? There was, there was a commercial. Do you know that Lauren? Ancient Chinese Secret? Huh? I don't think so. The Calgon commercial, Calgon, first of all, maybe way is many things, but is cow still around? Yeah. Yeah, they are. I feel. But Calgon, so Calgon was a, someone does my was a detergent, it was a dish soap, and I guess it was some sort of bath item as well. Anything. Oh, I I knew it as like body spray. It was also, well, there's a, there was a commercial this ran for a million years. Yeah. Where, um, this woman goes into pick up her dry cleaning and she says to the Asian man behind the counter, how do you get this stuff? Sod clean. Her stuff is so amazing. Yeah. How do you, how do you, how do you do it? And he says, ancient Chinese secret. Yeah. And then she sees the then no, no, she doesn't see. Oh, we cut to the back of the dry cleaners. Wait, this is from The Simpsons. There's the wife. Oh no, there's the wife who says to the camera, my husband some hot shot. Oh, right. Here's his ancient Chinese secret Cal. And then we talk about calgon. Mm-hmm. And then, um, the woman, the white woman, is about to leave the store and the pale, the wife, the Asian wife, appears from the back and says, in earshot of this round eye, we need more cow gone. And then the white woman turns around and says, ancient Chinese secret. Huh? Oh, wow. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. And that, and we saw it so many times that I cannot hear certain things without thinking Ancient Chinese secret, huh? Yes, for sure. Yeah's good. Mm-hmm. But high guy, he got me stump What's high guy from Hi guy was, I can't remember what the product was. High guy. It was a, like an Alka Seltzer or a deodorant or something. But, There was a guy would open his medicine cabinet and there was another guy on the other side. It was like they shared a medicine cabinet. Right. Oh, that's very weird. One of, one of those apartments. Oh, I see a little picture. Oh, should I play it? Yeah, play it. Yeah, sure. Uh, side note, I just watched Jeopardy yesterday and Alex Trebek had never heard of Bob Ross. Oh, what a fucking idiot. I was like, how, what a dumb douche. Who are you? How you doing, guy? Uh, your neighbor. Oh. Didn't tell you. We the same modern apartment. So it's how you doing modern apartments? Well, there was a series. Oh, okay. Sure. Just like the Mr. Microphone all about that. I got the regular right guys. Yep. One Dior. Ah, right guard. There it is. Wow. Well that's Dilly. Dilly, I guess is exactly the same thing where they have said it like was that they've said it so much and now everyone says that football players say it's like in plays. That's so mean. That makes me mad. Me too. Don't you wish? Because that commercial is stupid, but isn't there part of you that wishes you could write commercial, of course. Or a job? I feel like No, I, I think that would be miserable. Well, it would be. I just feel like I could do it so much better. I, but I think we're at this point now, we're like, everyone thinks that, well, I could, we're at this point where they just show you the most random thing, just get your attention. It has nothing to do with anything. It's totally random. And, um, I haven't even watched lots. I haven't watched a commercial in years. I feel like because of streaming and, yeah. DVRs and stuff. So I, when stuff like this happens, I don't even know about it. I don't even know that commercial though. That dilly dilly. I don't think I've watched like a live event. Here's what it is. It's, uh, a bunch of people and it looks like a times. How much is a bunch? What are we talking? Uh, two. No, it's like, it's like a medieval court. It's like, it's like 250 probably, right? Yes. It sure, it's like a medieval court, but everyone is 25 years old. Uhhuh. And so there's a king and queen, uh, at this banquet, this long banquet table. And they're, and they're, they are, they're so fuckable. I mean, when I think about them, fuck. Fuck. I want to break a nut. Oh, oh my, oh, okay. Coating. Oh, my nuts Ally, I broke a nut. I actually, I, I want to damage a nut when I think about that. Why do I feel like I told you this story? But there was a kid I grew up with who had a skateboard injury and. Lost her trusts. Oh no. His test out. We saw in the one nut wonder, the knotless wonder. That's what I called. Hitler had won. Come on man. One. So had one did it. Why do we know that? Did it slide like down his leg? I don't know what happened with it, but I just heard about where getting this. I bet you had got twisted and then got exploded. No, there's nothing about what she said that indicated, I'm imagining his ball sack got sliced open and just one came like, and one walnut just dropped out. Almost like an egg. Just, you know, like sliding down a And then he got a nle. A nle. That's for dogs. What do you get your dogs balls cut off. You can give 'em some fake balls. It'll never make the difference what it's in. They're called ncle. Literally. I don't understand. Why don't they get over it? Like within, yeah. Why one hour? There's never get over it. Wait, but do they really want them? Um, I don't know why that's honestly like, I honestly don't know why, like, the balls are not the thing that I'm like the proudest of like, oh, I, if we got rid of them. When I meet a guy, I just am like, where balls aren't, I gotta get in there, I gotta get out them balls. I gotta know what the balls like, like if, if I happen to be neutered or whatever, you know, or chemically castrated or whatever, you know, God willing. But if they were just like, Hey, you don't have balls anymore, I wouldn't be like, gotta get some fake ones down there. I, I gotta say, I feel like it would be weird. Well, do you think you might be surprised? Do you think they're more, look, they're more trouble than they're worth Uhhuh. But I'd miss 'em if they were gone. Do you think most like the woman I dated without the belly button, she should have drawn like a little like spiral on the belly. Yeah. Yes. Every day. I just pretended she should have done it every day. Wait, you don't watch 90 Cindy Crawford with a Mole? Do you watch 90 Day Fiance? No. It's the best show on tv. Um, but was one guy who was, who had a vasectomy 15 years before he was with this woman, he was like, he kept saying, well, you know, I've been fixed, you know, I was fixed. Oh, it's making me sick. Was it Bob Barker? Yeah. Yeah, it was. Now, what the fuck were we talking about? Wait, you, why are you looking to be, we're gonna tell it. Medieval Thomas Med. Oh, this commercial? Yeah. Mm. So people are bringing, they're, they're, apparently, they're, they've journeyed from other lands to bring gifts. They're bringing gifts to the king and queen. And so I brought this, someone brings, I brought that somebody brings, and after each gift is presented, the king and queen say, dilly dilly. And then everyone in the court says, DLI dilly. It's so annoying. I like it now. Oh, I hate what? Hate dilly dilly much. Probably start saying it too. Probably will. When I was watching the commercial, I was like, why not? Why not? Let's just say, guys, don't do it. Don't do it. I like it. Now it makes me think of a dilly bar from Dairy Queen. Never had one mean let Paul finish his story. Dilly. Dilly. No, there's, it's not a story I'm recounting on commercial tell. And what did I say? Tell a story. Dad. Dly dilly dilly. What if you were a dad and you only told like as goodnight stories? You only told, so you're all medieval fuckable, teens. Okay, so this brown eye. So what, how's it with three frogs on a brand? So someone brings Bud Light and they all say that's the best. They say Dilly Dilly. Well, he doesn't bring enough for the everybody or something like that. And so he is beheaded or some shit. But what's weird about the commercial is you feel like in the commercial this is a reference to something else. Right. And I don't, I read an article about it and they, it's, it's just made up for that. It's just made up for that. They, they do admit that there is like maybe a song in the, the like 30 years ago called Dilly Dilly or something, but it was just made up for that. Ugh. I bet the guy who made that up is like so he's just a pussy so hard. I bet he's got all his balls. He's like, dilly dilly bitch. I bet he like me talking about Popeye goes up to someone in Embargoes. You ever see Dilly Dilly? I wrote that and they're like, you that Boyser give shit. Dilly That probably I wrote that. Are you okay? None of that makes sense. Lauren, are you watching The Bachelor? Yes. I, uh, are you, I think about that with like, people in their, having these first conversations with people Yes. When I'm having a conversation with someone. Mm-hmm. I think about Lauren watching the back. Same, um, I watched it last night. I don't know what I'm saying about it, but I, well, like you feel awkward. You feel bad that they're, had they had these awkward moments on film Yeah. World scene. I guess so. But they also don't ever seem to have normal, I, I wish someone would have a normal person conversation on that show. I know. Well, it's so insane. Like, everyone's like, but then they wouldn't be on the show, know they're, they immediately approached the guy and they're like, I watched you on your season five years ago. I feel like we have a lot in common. My dad died and I lost, my dad died. Yes. I was like, oh my God. Still, still. And then they're making out. It's like really nasty. Ugh. I don't know. The first episode was, would you ever, would you ever make out with someone on. Tv Uhhuh, I, I can't imagine what scenario that would happen in a reality. The news. Oh yeah. Dallas Rains. Tonight we have Lauren Laki making out with me. Point Flathead fist at four. Um, yeah, I'd be into that. I get a self tan. Can, can you imagine? I remember. I remember what his self tanner would rub off all my face. Um, I don't know. I once made out with someone on Halloween, maybe I talked about this one. We, I was wearing kiss makeup and it rubbed off on her face where she was. Yeah. Cause I made it with a clown and I was just like a punk. I get it. Um, but, but remember, I remember on Big Brother, one of the first couples to ever have sex on that show. And then I saw her in person and I was like, there's a woman who had sex. Weird. I felt like it was the Scarlet Letter or something like that. There's, I mean, there's that harlett on The Bachelor, it's a little different because you don't see anything besides like, making out usually. Mm-hmm. But on like real world, they would, you'd see people in bed, like in the. Fuzzy black and white. Yeah, you'd see their butt pumping. They would like show that. It's so crazy. Come on, be my baby too tonight. Oh my God, David, come on. Be my baby too. Tonight. I watched the first season of The Real World and then I didn't watch it again until that season. Oh, Seattle. It was exactly the same. Oh yeah. Was it? It was, yes. It's the formula was like, so they, the first got is so different down, but then it turned a corner and now it's just like, now it's terrible. Me fuck. But like seasons 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, dilly, dilly, dilly, dilly. But I do think that, I feel weird when I realized how much older I am than everyone on the show now. Now that happened. That happened to me. I remember I was watching The Real World. I was really into it and they said, Hey, do you wanna apply for the real world? I had no interest in it, by the way. Yeah. Let that be said. But you were ears parked up. But they said, are you between the ages of 18 and 25? And I was 26 and I was like, I. I'm too old. Yeah, that's so weird. And everyone on The Bachelor, there's a lot of people where they're like 22. Well, that's the thing I was watching, I was watching The Bachelor the other day and, and you know, part of that that just the other day, just I was walking down the street just the other day. Just random things that happen to you. But I, you know, some, sometimes when you're watching that show, it's like, okay, how would I act in this situation? Right? Yeah. Um, and obviously I'm married, I'm never gonna be in that situation, but you sort of like, okay, if I were in this situation, but then seeing. Everyone be 22, 23 or whatever. I'm like, I what if there was bachelor? But for old people or like un uncool people should be, no, I actually have been saying this for years. Mm-hmm. The bachelors should be, every season should be a brand new person who's never been on the show before. So there's no preconceived notions about what they're like or what they're into or what they did with the last person. And then it should be all people who are, uh, of age, or they might actually really wanna get married actually. Yeah. Yeah. Because all the, the 22 year olds or whatever. Yeah. They're just looking to be on tv. It's so crazy. So, and like the first season, the, those, that couple is still together and they have kids and stuff, and like that has happened since then. But they've been together for like 15 years or second. You're talking about Ryan and Tristan? Yeah. Season two. Season two. Sorry. Yes. Who was season one? Uh, the season one was this, uh, guy and he was like, they were, they made him seem so cool. Oh, wow. Wow. But I remember this vivid, I remember this vividly. They were on a horse and carriage in New York City. And the person had a whip for the, uh, for the horse. No. And he, he said he made a, uh, they might be giant song reference where he was like, minimum wage. He, oh man, that'd be awesome. And I was like, this guy's an just a dork. Wow. No, but I was like that. Yes. That they're not because he's a normal guy, but, but they were making him out to be this like super hunky swath. Yeah. But you know what was on the Bachelor that I didn't like the other night was when, when the guy's like, uh, I'm actually a nerd. I hated that. I scream and then, and then the woman goes, I'm a nerd too. And it's like, neither of you are a fashion nerd. You're not nerds. You suck. There's a difference. You suck dick. You suck my dick. Yeah. But actually I'm really totally a nerd. What do you mean, bitch? Uh, you're just, Ugh, people. I hate that. Yeah. I pay, I live through a book once. Yeah. I'm actually really like a nerd. Like I actually like, really like comics. It's not even that. They don't even like, like nerd stuff. They don't, they don't follow, they're, they're trying to say like, I, I don't even like going out to bars all every night. I sometimes just like to sit around at home, watch. They usually Netflix is, I'm a nerd. I love staying home. And you're like, what? No, you're just a fucking agoraphobic. I'm like a nerd about it. Like I know we had different responses though. I know everything about my house. We need to take a break. Bye. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Do you know the white shadow Lauren? No. It was a TV show. Was it a car? It's a good name for a car. It's not bad. It's a really good name for a car. Why do they name cars after they, they seem to name them after animals. Yeah. Or nonsense, you know, like, yep. Like Acura or whatever. Oh, you know what? In Japan, I, I noticed that they, here we go. I'm sorry. One thing I, so many Japan stories, I don't mean, I, I actually, I'm very obsessed with Japan, but one thing I loved was that the cars, a lot of the cars had names like Carol, like the design would be like Carol. It was like I would take a picture cause there was like, they're crazy. It'd be like the Jane or like, it would just be someone's name. Volkswagen made a car called the thing. Oh, I remember that very briefly. I like that. In the seventies. It was a cool looking, I like that sort of, that it was a sort of shortened station wagon kind of. Mm-hmm. Um, And it was, uh, it was, it was like a mush Nick station wagon. It was like two mush necks. Do you think? Okay. Do you think you could drive, like you would? Yes. Okay. Hold on. Of course, I passed myself. Everything. Uh, you would drive an suv? I, I have driven an suv. Yeah. I've, I've driven as, as rental cars, but I don't think I would wanna do it every day. I liked being sort of taller than other cars. I always have a car that's taller and I really like that. But I've been thinking about getting a bigger car. Ooh, bigger than one. One. Even bigger than tall. But more, you just drove a m truck everywhere. I, I do hate, like, cars that are unnecessarily huge like a Hummer. Don't. If you, if you were to pull up to a valet here in LA in a Mack truck, would they park it for you? Well, like, not with a trailer, but just the, just the cab. Just the cab. So yeah, like, like over the top style I can see it. Would they park it or would they say, we're not gonna park that thing? They would say we we're not gonna park that thing. I think they have to say they wouldn't park it. Cause they don't, they don't have Don't have a license. Have a license. Yes. That's license to kill. License To kill my mother. Oh. To kill my mother. It was karma. My mother. What if you could buy a license to kill your mother? I wouldn't do it. How? I bought a license to kill my mother. You know, guys, my mom's dead. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's dead. I'm I'm dad too. We know. I know. No parents. Do you consider yourself to be, be no left, no parents, no service. Do you, do you consider yourself, that's why I took my shirt off. I took your pants off. Do you consider yourself to be an orphan or is that something where you can only be an orphan until you're 18? Oh yeah. Or orphan means. Yeah. You, you're not an or orphan as an adult. I don't, I'll, but it's say fun joke to me. I'll say, I dont like when, when adults say I'm an orphan, sincerely. Mm-hmm. Do they, who says, people say that all the time? Well, because their parents are dead. Yes. But are they talking about it of like they were an orphan since they were young, or? No, I think that when they, and they're like, oh, like their other parent dies then, and then they're like, 35. So that should be like something when you're, when you're 18, you can buy cigarettes, you can read a playboy. Yeah. And you, but you have to stop saying you're in a Okay. Lady bird. I just, I just don't like that. But I mean, also do whatever you want. I take it back, you know, if anyone's out there and they're like's how I cope, then fine. I've never felt that You're a judgmental person till right now. Really? That's so nice. Le Guys. Hey, hey, I wanna talk to you about this. Okay? I watched the movie Call Me by Your Name. I wanna see that. Call me by your name and in the chair in the movie. The, the, there's, you know, it's about a love affair. Yeah. Um, and it's very kissing. There's a lot of kissing, kissing, kissing. There's a lot of you, i w you Sex. Sex. And it's, it's a really, it's a really lovely, beautiful movie and well acted the, the love affair between a 17 year old boy and a 24 year old young man. Right. Yeah. And I didn't realize that before I started watching that they were, that there, there was an age difference. Mm-hmm. And it was really difficult because Armie Hammer plays the 24 year old, and he's older than 24. And he's older than 24. But he's, is he like in his thirties? He's 31. Oh, okay. But he's also, he's gigantic. He's like a big person and he's like, cut out of marble that guy. Yeah. He's like cut out of a slam of marble. I'm older than him. Yeah. Isn't that, isn't that disgusting? Wanna feel weird? Yeah. Harm hims younger than you. But I, so I ly I remember I had that about, uh, Playboy Playmates once, I remember like in my twenties. I'm sure you did. They were all, they were like, well, you know, like when I was in, when I was in junior high or high school, when it was like, Ooh, a Playboy playmate. They're all like these, they're like as old as your mother or something. Right. And then, then very similar to Real World in my twenties, I was like, oh wait, these are all 18. I'm older than all of them. Cause age, when you're young age is like, everything's the same. Like Yeah. Someone who's 22 is the same as someone who's 35. Not to interrupt you, Paul, but, but here, but here's the thing. Yeah. Is that while I was watching this, because I'm so far away from both of those ages Yeah. I was like, wow, this is weird. Like, is that I honestly was trying to remember, is this okay? Right, right. Do you know what I mean? Or this, would that have felt weird at that time? Yeah. Because I'm looking at it from this, from the, the, the point of view of like, oh, that 24 year old is taking advantage of that 17 year old. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I, and so. I, I totally forgot. I. When I was 17, I had a 24 year old girlfriend. What? I completely forgot. That's like, that's a weird lead up to a brag. Yes. Well, no, because I'm lucky you, I'm looking at it from this, I'm looking at it of from the standpoint of like, oh no, he shouldn't be doing this. With this young kid. Right. And I completely forgot. I never, it never, I never looked at it from the standpoint of the younger person. Right. No, I, but of course, you know, I understand when you're 17, it's when I was 42, I had a 17 year old girlfriend and I felt like I, uh, but you know, this actually happened on Terraces house. Um, that, hi, I'm Terrance House and welcome to another. Now they're all terrorists. Yes. Okay. I don't wanna watch this. Well, it was a conversation about someone dating a girl who's 11 years younger than him, and the girl keeps questioning it. She's like, 17, 18, and everyone else is going like, it's fine as long as you think it's fine or whatever. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I was thinking about myself. That's usually the credo that I like to live by. Yeah, it's fine as long as I think it's fine. Credos at first, I was thinking about myself at that time though, and it was like, to know what I know now versus what I know knew then, and like the. I, I had a couple sort of pseudo relat relationships, people who are older than me, but it's like, I don't, I look at that now and I'm like, that's weird of them. I, that's exactly. Did you think, why did you think you're, did they, they wanna hang out with me? Do you now think yours is weird? I. I, I guess I don't, because I can't, I can't separate my experience, which was that even though I was like a, you know, very immature, I was, I was mature in certain ways where, I, I never thought of her as being immature, like down on my level. Right. Of course. I thought of myself as up where she was. Right. You know? Right. And it was, and we were together for a year. You know, we like moved in together and everything. 2 65 days. How did you meet her? Were you in, were you in school? I was in the process of dropping out of school and I, no, this must have been after I dropped out. What is this process? Well, wait, when did you drop out? I dropped out after a semester of college. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, oh wait, you were in college at 17? Is that Yeah, because I was, my birthday's in September. Right. So I graduated at 17 and then, um, I guess going into 18, I was Okay, so you're almost 18. Yeah. Okay. And, um, I, I had gotten a job on South Street in Philadelphia downtown, and I was walking down the street. Just the other day, other day with a, with a friend of mine who was similarly dropping out of college in process, people on the street. Doesn't people on the street drop it on a card? Um, and I saw this, oh yeah, we saw this woman. And you were like, that was in such a wonderful place of having forgotten that that existed. Not us. I'll never forget. And so this, this girl was walking towards us, um, and then, I was like struck by her. She was very pretty. What? You, you were struck by a, you thought she was a ghost? Did she hit you with a pan? She hit me with a pan. Scott, you're ridiculous, Lauren. You guessed it. So she walked into this store and I said to my friend, let's go into that store. And so I, I, I've never, I don't think I've done this. I hadn't done it before, pre on point. It's good. It's good. It's working. It's working. I started, I just started talking to her and she was really funny. And, um, And so I think, I don't remember. I, I, so I went to my job and then I think I would What was your job at the time? I was working at Hats in the Belfry. Oh, right. You a very, you're a very famous, uh, that's right. Uh, standup. Uh, exactly. Go check out your, uh, album Laboring Under Delusions. I have heard about this. Mm-hmm. You've heard about it? Yes. Mm-hmm. By watching your stuff. King Hat. That's right. The famous King hat. Famous king hat. That's right. Yes. And so I would, I would stop in the store and, and then she would stop in my store and then we went out on a date. But it was like, I never, I never, I think it's the When did you tell the only times did she, did, did she ever think you were older and did you have to say, oh, by the way, I'm only 17, almost 18. I'm 17. We, I have 17 going on on 18. We must have had that conversation. Is that OK with you? I want to date you, but I don't care if you are too old for me. Okay, can I talk to you, Rogerson Hammerstein for a second? This song Love the melody. You like it? Love it. Okay. I like the general idea of where you're going. Well wait until you hear the next part. Sweet hammer. Steve, sorry I'm late. You are cutie Going on booty. Bend it and let me slap, slap. Okay. Alright. Maybe this would've been such a good idea. I'm share. So your personal one? No, to do this podcast. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This is, shut it down. This is the end. Goodbye. Dly dilly. No dly Dilly. So wait, so you must have had some convers. We must have have the conversation, but I don't remember it. It was obviously not an issue cuz Right. We kept dating. Yeah. Interesting. Do you think that she just liked your personality or she, she had a thing for the youngins? Or was it just, uh, did you have a mustache? No, I did not. Interesting. I did not. Mm. Was it you had a period of time in your standup career without a mustache? Am I correct? Oh, that's very true. Yeah. Yes, that's also true. Um, I don't think I ever dated anyone with a mustache. With a mustache, yeah. So I don't know. They got rid of it. No. Um, no one with a wide gap. Um, plus age y I except for only, only had to win with perfect thigh gaps except for a co-op. Oh. How, what's your difference? But you really made up for it there because it's real May December stuff, what is it? 10 years? 12. Oh, 10. Just 10 actually. What is it? Under 10? Yeah. I like went on some dates with someone who was Pete Holmes, nine or 10 years older than me. But yeah, it was Pete Holmes and thankfully gave me a role. Um, was there. A teacher that had an affair at your school? We talked with a student. We talked about, we talked, we talked about the person who was in the play that you Oh yeah. Wait, but who had a affair? But there was another, I forgot. There was another English I English teacher who like, oh my God. There was another one. There were, there were three. Two of the teachers looked alike. By the way, these, these, they looked alike. What does that mean? They, they were the same. Was it like when they were friends and they were like, I like this guy's style, and so they looked alike or, yeah, that's what it was. Great. Or do you just mean physically? Like, like genetically? They physically, they physically, they were both shortish guys. Uhhuh with the same haircut and mustache and, uh, they were both, they were both Italian. So territorially as well as genetically, well, all the teachers kind of dressed exactly the same. Oh, okay. Oh, that because he was a, uh, Catholic school. Yeah. But they, they all wore like, you know, dress shirts and ties and slacks. Yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah. Not at, at our school. You could wear whatever. What about the teachers? What were the teachers wearing? That's what I mean, the teachers. Oh yeah. Same. Like I remember our, uh, English teacher came wearing a bikini once, which was the big talk. Well, that did not, yes, it was the big talk. Lauren. Wait, really? Why? Yeah. She was, was the hot teacher. I've talked about this on another, wait, what show? That is fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah. That was weird. Her name was Mary Kay something. Wait, didn't I then tell the story? Probably I'm assuming of my hot gym teacher who No. Oh. Tell us. She was young. I don't, I mean, you or he. I know I knew her. Um, she was probably like 24, maybe younger. Oh. So could have dated one of us. Really? Mm-hmm. Um, but then like, she would be very, very flirtatious. And then one of the guys in my class slapped her on the ass one day in the gym. Whoa. And then he got in big trouble, but it was like this huge turning point of like, it can't go that far. Right. Oh my God. Like, she would flirt, but then she would flirt. I, I, it was enough that he thought it was okay to do that. Which I mean, I actually think was like, it was happening. Like we all witnessed it. It's happening. Yeah. And then she also, I learned a very big lesson from her, which is always wear a seatbelt in cabs because she was in a ca a cab and there was a sudden stop and her face went into the. Into the plastic mm-hmm. Thing. Mm-hmm. And her, she busted on the teeth and she had had teeth face forever. Oh, black eyes. Jesus. And she was really pretty. And she had, her whole face got, I mean, I'm sure it healed fine, but it was crazy. It crazy what? It didn't, yeah. She had permanent black eyes. Every time I'm in a cab or a car, a backseat, I think of that. And I'm like, I'm not gonna be that person who's like too lazy. Did you, what? Uh, did you ever have the driving around in a pickup truck? Uh, in the back of a pickup? No, we didn't do that. Oh. We would do that in church groups sometimes. It, like down the freeway here in California. That's, it's, that's crazy. It's insane to me. But I remember it was a big thing where you would be like, oh, can I sit in the back? I would totally wanna do that now. It's so dangerous. I can't, I can't even imagine that. That's so scary. You'd feel so unmoored. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Um, yeah. Yeah. Wait, well, what happened? Did one of those teachers have an affair with someone? Uh, One of the teachers had an affair, um, and I think he got fired. You fired one of by Donald Trump. Hey, they, they, they brought me down to this high school just so I could say my famous phrase, CEC of Philadelphia hired me. Um, that was good. Who does a better Trump? You or me? Here, here's mine. Hey, I'm Donald Trump. I'm Donald Trump. Help me. I'm stuck. That was him going through a door. Any door, like a, like a giant door too. Yeah. Garage. That fucking picture of him from New Year's Eve in the tuxedo where he's just like, he looks like a whale and he's just got his mouth open. And this guy, really funny guy on Twitter, Patrick Monahan just wrote, just like posted the picture and then he just wrote, and you look, I'm getting, it's so perfect, so sad, like about all the politics. I just am like at a point where I'm, I want it to stop. Oh, it's, it's. Hugely demoralizing. Like I was, I was talking about this nothing matter. Twitter, the other day, him, Donald Trump saying, I'm, I'm gonna give out my awards for fake news. Oh God. I know. Like, what are you doing? He's just such an idiot. It's just so sad. Anyway. Anyway. Well, I mean, I, anyone doesn't, I like him. I think he's funny. Okay, good. We need someone speaking for the other side. I think he's fucking hilarious, but, uh, he's fucking hilarious. Let's don't listen to you guys. He bothers you. So don't get me wrong. I love him. You guys can't stop talking about him guys. He's doing something right. I hate that. Um, so wait, so, and, but another, the teacher, he ran off with the student. It was a girl that I went to see what to grade school with. This is what I was gonna say about you and the 24 year old when you, there seems to be such a wide swath of. Maturity. But that movie, it didn't bother me. Call Me by Your Name, because I don't think movies have a responsibility to do the morally right thing in movies. Right. Like, I think it's just like this, this is the type of thing that happens. It's a story. No, I never felt like the movie was at fault. It was more like I, you didn't know how to judge their relationship. It was, yes, it was a thing. Well, because it was, oh, is this part of it? You know what I mean? Yeah. Is it, is, is the age difference significant and is it part of the story? Right. And in, in a way it is. You know, it's like, but it's, it's more about, you know, this kid's, uh, you know, experience and this, um, this wonderful thing that happens that's like, that's romantic and it's sad and it's frustrating. Mm-hmm. And it's, you know, it's everything. It's like life. It's like life. Yeah. But, but, but I guess what I mean is that there's such, I've never quite understood that about the, like teachers falling in love with students because, Or at least until you got to college, because doesn't it seem like if you're under 18? Well, it's also what's so crazy about it is it's the one thing you absolutely are not supposed to. Well, I think that's what people like it know it's your one job, but you have one job. Don't fuck 'em. No. But I think, I think that not to teach them, I think about that sometimes of like relationships. I good job is not to fuck these, just don't fuck them. Yeah. Can you get through a day? Who cares if you teach them? Just don't fuck them. But I think about relationships I had in high school or whatever, you know, like, uh, you know, when I was 17, I was dating a 16 year old. And it's like, it's, and you think in, in nowadays, I go, oh, is that weird though? Like to have a No, I think that, I think, but when you're a kid, like, and you're just, it's whoever is sort of at the same level as you, you know? Yeah. But I think it's not like if, if I were to see a. If I would've saw a 30 year old, I'd be like, you're too old for me. Well, it's, that's what's complicated, I think, because when you see somebody in a relationship like that and they act like that's fine or whatever, it's weird because for me now, I think that's a child like I'm 32. I know. Yeah. And I'm, if I'm around a high schooler, I'm like, you're a little kid. Yeah. That was my thing too. Yeah. Idea of somebody being into that. Yeah. Like dating you on a peer level is confusing to me. And you know, but another, because I'm older than that even, and I'm 32. No, I'm 35 years old guys. Okay. When I look, I'm 29. Dilly dilly, dilly d whatever you want. Scott and I are trying to bring back the, the Jack Benny lying about your age gag. Um, when I look at somebody who's 24, I, I see that as so young. Yeah. So it, it was weird. Like I. To, to experience this movie where all of us, I, but so much of it, I think was about the casting because he looks like such a, he looks like a middle-aged man. Yeah, like a great looking middle-aged man. Well, I always thought he was older than me, like for like last 10 years. I'm surprised that he got young. He's way younger than you. He's one year younger. Way younger. Let know I said next to him on a plane across from him. I remember you talking about that. Um, he's very good looking. He's breathtaking in person, right? Yes. Did you join the Mile High Club? I did. I masturbated in the bus. I probably would too if I were across from him. He had a dog and he was going to shoot the Lone Ranger. Cause we were both going out New Mexico. Was he wearing the mask? Wait, was it back then? Yeah, we were going to applying to New Mexico. Was he wearing the mask? Yes. On his air. How could you tell it was in there? He pulled his pants on. All right. Let's take, let's take a break. We'll be right back. Welcome back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're we're. This is the part on the show where one of us brings something for the other, we call it the feature. The feature, yes. So it's my turn today, the feature. And um, I have this game at home that I really like called Hypotheticals. Have I told you about this game? Hypotheticals? No. Yeah, it's a Chuck Klosterman game. Oh yes. And it's these hypothetical questions that are extreme. Did he write Fight Club? Um, no. The Chap Ook, but he wrote Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. Are you mad? I'm furious. You mad? Mad. Sex drugs and Coco pos. Okay, well here's one of his questions. It's a fun game. Okay. And you just answer it however you want. So you just answer it however I want. Yeah. And we'll just talk about the question. Okay. You are offered a brain pill. If you swallow this pill, you'll become 10% more intelligent than you currently are. You'll be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know, and to all future people you meet, you will seem 20% less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber. And there is no way you can ever alter the universality of that perception. Do you take this pill? I think people think I'm dumb already. I don't think I'll wanna do it. Yeah. You think people think you're dumb? Yeah. I don't, I don't, don't Do you seriously feel like people Yeah, I'm like that. I'm always mispronouncing word like, look, you know what I, I do think about this sometimes. I remember, uh, George W. Bush, you know how he would have a lot of, uh, sort of brain farts on tv? Yeah. And he would say things wrong or whatever. And I, I was making fun of that once and my dad said, Don't coddle him. No. Um, he said, um, he said, well, you try talking that much and you'll have those kind of things too. And then I was like, yeah, okay, whatever. No, that's a good point. But then being, having podcasts, it's like I'm constantly saying stupid shit. Yeah. You know? So I, I have come to ha sort of empathize with that. Um, where, but that's also, uh, hold on a sec. It's also my dumb brain. It's also your dumb brain, but it's all, but that's, there's a difference between that kind of talking and, you know, bullshitting on a podcast. You know what I mean? This No, but I, I'm messing up syntax of words and, uh, or sentences and Yeah. But I, I don't know. I, I feel like it. Yeah. And also I, I won't remember, I've said something incorrectly and then I'll listen back to a show and say like, I have done that. Oh wow. I totally got that incredibly wrong. Oh my God. Wait, I was doing this, I was recording an ad at home and I, were you home alone? No, Mike was there, my boyfriend and I was recording the ad. I was like, let me just really fast before we go. And I was like, and you can find the link to that in my Instagram bio. And that's that. Okay, thanks. Bye. And then he was like, It's so funny that it's so cool that you can, um, like do a character voice to like fix something when you mess up. And I was like, what? And he was like, what a neg. No, but he was being, he was being serious. He was like, you couldn't, you don't have to redo it. He like made it make sense. And I was like, what? And he was like, you said Twitter bio? And I said, no. I said Instagram. And he was like, no you didn't. And I was like, yes I did. And then we listened to it back and I said, you could get that in my Twitter bio. And I didn't even think I said that. Interesting. It was crazy. I felt so dumb. We talk about it all the time. It was so weird though, to hear, I thought I said something and I was so, so, and then just to hear it back and go like, that's not what I said that was, it was not even a word. I was, do you know the show with Gavin and Stacy, the British film? I have yet to watch that, but I really wanna watch that. I love it. But I've, I was talking about it somewhere I on, on microphone and I kept calling it Ned and Stacy. Oh yeah. Which was that Tom Church Devil Message show. But I didn't know that. And I said it several times the incorrect way and um, And people started talking to me about it, assuming that I knew that I had said the wrong thing and I didn't. I'm like, what is everybody? What are these people? What saying to me? Why are they making fun of me? I had no idea. That is so weird. I said the other day, um, someone wondered what song was playing and I said, and it was the song, uh, can't Stop the Feeling. And I said, oh, it's Can't Fight the Feeling. And she said, yes, that's it. And then all I could think about. Was I said the wrong title to this stranger. She thinks I'm an idiot now because I said very confidently it's can't fight the feeling. And I'm going to remember this day for the rest of my life. And you did. And I, so far I Well, but, but she, I think that she, she didn't notice, she, she registered it as the correct thing or she didn't care, or, or that was, she didn't, didn't really know and then was not. I know. But it's the kind of thing that I will obsess about for the rest of my life. Yeah. Well that's weird. Mm-hmm. I think I might like to take the pill just to gimme that. Oh, I forgot. Think about the question. Um, because the question, I think about the question, I feel like it'd be so great to, I want that pill be able to use, I don't know, be smarter. That pill I feel like, um, I, I, I'm assuming if I take the pill that gives me more intelligence, it will also give me the ability to reason out enough to not be upset that everyone can said stupid, because it would, I feel like it would be, that would be so frustrating. I don't care about my own personal knowledge. I care about what people think about. Well, that's the thing, but I, for me, it's like. It, it's, I've realized it would be less, I think because I'm a middle child, it would be less about, um, what people thought about me, but that they wouldn't listen to me. It would be frustrating that I would be perceived as someone whose opinion or input did not matter. Matter everyone, right? Patronizes, no, I'm actually smarter than you. And then you wouldn't be able to use your intelligence to help anyone. That's another thing, like what do I do with that intelligence? Right? If everyone assumes I'm an idiot, could you, could you write letters and people would think they're smart? Like a progress report or like just even a letter to someone? I don't know. Like he's good on paper. Yeah. I don't know. Hey, if you have to write it anonymously, if you could go, Hey, got this letter. This might have some good ideas in it. I can't read it, but I'm too dumbed to understand. Maybe you can make heads or tails out of it. If, if you could sometimes, do you ever have that fantasy of like, eh, it'd be good to go back to college or go back to high school or whatever and learn more. You know, like, what if they made high school for people, oh, learn more. I wanna fuck more when I'm in my prime. I thought it was to not be emotionally terrifi terrified all the time. Yeah. I know. When I think of it now, I'm like, I crush. I'd just be having fun and like doing well and like, oh, I have the opposite where it's like, all I did was have fun and I didn't learn a single thing. Like now I, oh, well, I mean, I was having fun in, I guess, my social life, but I mm-hmm. I hated living in the dorm. I had so much anxiety about like a lot of that stuff. Mm-hmm. And so I would've enjoyed it. Not have that dormitory. Yeah. Did I say dormitory? No. Oh God, no. We're back to square one. Um, okay. Wait, do you want another question? Yeah, sure. I was gonna, oh, what were you gonna say? I was, I just wondered if like, they made high school for people like us where it was like we had to go for people our age. You had to go and you had to do it four years. I think that would be fun. Oh my God, no. What? No. You like and, and your career's waiting for you when you get back to it. Oh, I, I didn't like being a student. Yeah. I think I'd like it. Okay. Yes, Laura. Okay. I haven't read it. Yeah. Think of someone who is your friend. Okay. Do, do not sign your I Lauren, do not select your best friend. Well, I think of Lauren, but make, okay. That's fine. But make sure the person is someone you would classify as considerably more than an acquaintance. Uh, okay. Okay. This friend is going to be attacked by a grizzly bear. Okay. So now this person will survive this. I'm changing my friend. This person will survive this bear attack that is guaranteed. There is a 100% chance that your friend will live. However, the extent of his injuries is unknown. He might receive nothing but a few superficial scratches, but he might also lose a limb or multiple limbs. Hmm. He might recover completely in 24 hours with nothing but a great story. Or he might spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Somehow you have the ability to stop this attack from happening. You can magically save your friend from the bear, but his salvation will come at a PE peculiar price. If you choose to stop the bear, it will always rain for the rest of your life. Wherever you go, it will be raining. Sometimes it will pour and sometimes it will drizzle, but it will never not be raining. Well, the friend know that we've saved them, but it won't hold on. But it won't rain. No will the rain, I'm saying. I'm saying it might say that, but it won't rain over the totality of the earth, nor will the hydraulic cycle be dis disrupted. Okay? These storm clouds will be isolated and they will focus entirely on your specific whereabouts. You will never see the sun again. Do you stop the bear and accept a lifetime of rain? I I. But does the friend know that you saved them? Them? I guess they do because you're stopping the bear. You're stopping the bear. Let's save. They do do it. It says magically. So maybe your friend doesn't know. I don't know. I've, if they didn't know, would you not do it? No, you would wait. I would just let shit happen. But if they knew and I was like, guess what, it's gonna rain forever on me because I did that and, and they had to, they had to thank me for it. Oh man, you'd love that. No, I, no. I was thinking about my friend and I was like, huh, would I want a bear attacking? I heard a crazy story about a bear attack recently. Uh, I wish I'd remember the details, but I was telling op about it, about like, uh, a woman attacked by a bear in the home and, and it was a crazy story, but I don't remember the details, but it's just That's horrifying to be attacked by a bear. Yeah. But then the idea that they could maybe just get away with nothing happen. You don't know what's gonna happen when, when someone's attacked by a bear. Yeah. I would not wanna take that chance. I would, I would save the friend. Me too. I don't really care, I guess. I like the rain, sort of. I like accessories. I don't hate rain. I do. I like a rain. I do like accessory, like umbrella. I like a have. Um, but yeah, but I, but I do feel like I would Is that your jacket? Is it your, do we have time for one more? We have time for another one. Okay. Let me just scroll through these cuz it's most, what if this Saturday Night Live music started playing. Dun Dun. Letting us know it's out time. What was that? Music that doesn't play to let you know it's out you out of time. It plays at the end of the show when you're saying the goodbye. But it's not like play like an award show where you get played off by the SNL music. Okay, here we are. We're in the middle of a sketch. Suddenly Daun done. Daun. Oh, I guess we gotta wrap this up. That'd probably be good. Every sketch earth is about to be struck by a mammoth meteor. Fuck. Though no one knows exactly what will happen. Most scientists assume life on earth will be totally altered and potentially eliminated. Everyone on the planet is freaking out. Suddenly you receive a bizarre email. The government demands that you must fly to Washington DC immediately by order of the president, the email message, and you're fired, the email message and you're fired. The email message includes first class plane ticket. Whoa. First class I'm in. Okay. Once you arrive, no matter what the scenario, I don't care. I'm in. Once you arrive at Dulles Airport, Dulles, I wanna fly into Reagan. Military police confiscate your cell phone and wordlessly transport you to a secret hanger that houses 10 massive space shuttles. You are escorted. He spelled hanger wrong and bother me. What? You are escorted onto one of the ships. How do you spell it like a clothes hanger. Like er, yeah. Uh, dumb shit. Not Star George Clooney. You were scored on one of the ships. Not counting the crew. There are 24 equally confused people waiting on board. You recognize a few of these people instantly. Bill Gates, the musician, prince and Oprah Fr. Prince is back. Prince, when the individuals you don't recognize Prince is back. I'm in. I don't care what it is when the individuals, it's not a box of Prince Spaghetti. When the individuals you don't recognize begin talking and interacting with one another, it becomes clear that all of them are brilliant scientists, consequential artists, or extremely wealthy political figures. Yep. I belong here. The ship's caption informs all of the passengers. The space shuttle will be leaving Earth in two hours. He does not say where it's going, although he does insist that anyone who wants to remain on Earth is free to stay behind. You are 90% certain you've been selected for this trip by mistake. Do remain on board. Why? And if you do, they expect dumb people to play this. And if you, if you do, how will you explain your presence to the other 24 passengers? You have no idea if admitting your true identity. Guys have. I'll dis you from traveling. That's good. Yeah. You guys have FC in your cable package. I belong here. Honestly, if Oprah was on the thing mm-hmm. I'd be on the thing. I'd be on the thing. I love her. She's my only celebrity I really wanna meet. I, I told you she was at Springsteen on Broadway with us, right? Uh, no. You hung out with her? Uh, no. She just was sitting by us. Oh, that's good enough. Hung out with her. Um, I thought maybe you were like a sweet, like a sweet life was aco, do you know what I mean? Um, private area. But I don't have any of my loved ones. Who are the women then? Well, they're brilliant scientists. They're not interested, like all these names are like male celebrities, let's say. Who are the, oh, Oprah. Oprah. You think of her as a man compliment. She's so successful. She has to be a man. High praise. High praise. Is Gail there? The queen of the cock blockers? I mean, I guess I'd probably say like, am I supposed to be here? I would admit it. I would start asking around for sure. Yeah. I'd be like, why am I chosen? I, yeah. I think that's how you would find out is you would ask someone, why was I selected for this? And then see if they know who you are. Are you sure you would do that? And not just go, this is a fucking sweet deal, I honestly, or would you just stay behind you? Couldn't you have the option of just not going. It's tough, but, uh, but you know, earth is gonna be fucked. It's tough, fucked up. I, I don't even know that I go into the limo or I'm assuming it's a limo. I don't know if you ever mentioned a limo, but, but I be, it's a nice stretch limo to get to the airport. I'm stretch line first class. I don't know that I get into it if I can't bring, you know. Yeah. Paul over here. No. If I can't bring cool up, I'm like, what? The earth is going to explode end. And you slow need her down. I'm not gonna leave her. Like, can she come? You know what, that's exactly it is that if, if in this scenario, if it's just like, I don't know. It's, it's this, this scenario is presuming you're, you don't give a shit about anybody else else on earth. You're single. It's more like you're celebrities. You're single and your dumb shit, and you're included. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I guess that must be his demographic or something. Single dumb shit. You're dumb imposter. I would probably talk to Oprah for a little bit and then stay behind. I don't, it's the very last second. Yeah. Hi. I don't wanna go. I'm scared. But you're gonna die. Do, don't you think that the will to, wouldn't afraid to be alone, but don't you? But there's 24 other people. Don't you think the will to live is, is if I was with anyone? It's just more important. I don't know if like, everyone I loved was like, We're all gonna die and you should go. But then again, there is should. There also is denial where yes, we all know the meteor is gonna strike, but the human brain kind of goes like, but what if it misses? Yeah. Or what if it's not? Or like, you know, and then you stay behind. I don't know. I mean, nobody's gonna like Donald Trump president. Um, I would, yeah, I would stay behind with my lovely wife. Mm-hmm. Yeah. If you could go with your wife or if she said go. No, that's what she said. That's what she said. They always say to you, dilly dilly dli, my dear woman, dilly, dilly, go off with you. No, no, dilly dilly. Um, yeah, I would not. Yeah. I, I would stay if they're not gonna, if I don't get a plus one, then forget it. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta get a plus one. Gotta get a plus one. I'd be so scared to interact with the Dead Prince so much going on. Bill Gates would, I would talk to Prince for a while, dude. You think Prince? Who? Would you be nervous to meet Bill Gates? No. I'd be like, Hey, what's up? Who's like, yeah, who's a famous person? You just wouldn't give a shit about me. I wouldn't give a shit about Bill Gates. Yeah, I'd be sorry. We're not gonna have these. How'd I go? Nice to meet you. That's pretty cool. Great. You're awesome. Wait, you used to be Popeye on the book leg. Oh, cool. Who's a president? You're Popeye that. It would not be like, it would not be impressive to meet what? Who, what? A president. A president. Because I, I, I honestly, well, I'm not impressed by meeting Trump, obviously, but like before that, yeah. I don't think I'd really care about most of 'em because I don't really, I honestly, I just don't care that much. I feel like for me it would be, is that bad? No, no, no. I, I feel like it would be a big deal for me to meet Jimmy Carter, but if Gerald Ford was still alive, it wouldn't be that big. Well, cause I, if I met Obama, I would like cry. That would be, yeah, he would be an impressive Yeah. Person to meet. Yes. But that's the only one. And Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, I'd be excited to meet them, but even like George W. Bush people, so it's, this is just so, so even George W. Bush, I feel like it would be crazy. Like, oh my God, I'm meeting somebody who used to be the president. Yeah. I would think something of that. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't be, I guess anyone who was a president when I was alive, I would be feel somewhat intimidated or excited about meeting. So Donald Trump, not God now, except for, do you think George? I don't consider alive. He would pat you on the butt. Na God. I'd let him. Who cares? He's dying. Do you think, do you think Prince, in this situation, say he's still alive? That's another qualifier. Mm-hmm. Uh, do you think Prince, there's only 24 people. And we're going off to another planet. Do you think he like drops the act? You know what I mean? And he's just hanging out sweatpants and he's just like a regular guy. Because someone said that about Michael Jackson where they were saying like, oh no, when no one is, when the cameras aren't around. He's, he, he drops this thing. He is just like, Hey, I'm Michael. How are you? What? That's like Gilbert Godfried. What? What? Not, not, how do you mean? Michael Jackson said that That's pretty good. But really? You think he, do you believe that someone said that? I don't know. So they were just like, yeah. Hey, what's up? I'm Michael. I would be fascinated by it. Do you think he really had those kids? I, I think he jerked off into something. Yeah. I waited on possibly a woman. Was it a woman's Gap? Um, I waited on him once when I worked at Tower Video. What? That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came in with an, you know, an entourage of like security people. Was it the entourage? No turtle. Oh, Aquaman. No, it wasn't, uh, Aquaman was there. Oh, maybe if they invited me. Maybe they meant to invite Aquaman. Yes. Wait, what did they like? Is it of Akerman? Jason Mamoa. Oh, shit. We thought we invited Aquaman. Scott Aquaman. You're gonna get that one. Wait. So I, I did get it when I was a kid and I would get really upset and then as an adult I'm like, they're calling me a superhero. You're doesn't even exist. What are you talking about? Um, wait, so you worked at Tower Video, which is like, um, on Sunset Tower records kind of stuff. Yeah, so it was a, it was the video corner from Tower Records and um, it was just a video store. Um, and I think it's a bank now, but it was, it was empty for a long time after it closed down. Yeah. Yeah. Um, which always. Made me happy. Um, but what I, I dated, I dated someone who lived by it once. Mm-hmm. Uh, and dated is in quotes. Um, but I remember I, I went over, I went over to her, you jerked off in her gap. I went over to her apartment and just, it was like, Hey, let's get together. What are we gonna do? I don't know, just come over. And so I went over and was like, well, what do you wanna do? Do you want to, let's go rent a video at, uh, at, uh, tower Video. So we walked the, you know, I don't know, two blocks mm-hmm. To tower video rented little big man. Is that a movie? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Is Dustin Hoffman in it or something? No, that's, no. Who's there? Little big man. No, wait, wait, wait. Yes. Little big man is Dustin Hoffman. Okay. Yeah. Yes. Rented That took it back to, I was thinking of, what is it, big man, little man. Little man tape. The one with little man tape. Jodi Foster with Mel. I love that. But the one that, that, uh, Marlon Wayins did. Oh, I thought he's a baby. White chicks. You're thinking of white chicks. He's a white baby, by the way. Yes. Put, put a pin in your story. Yes, because I'm sorry, I put a pin in yours. That's all right. Um, I saw a little bit of white chicks. I'd never seen it. Ooh. And I saw a little bit of it on TV the other day, and I didn't realize that in this, in the world of this movie, The Wayans brothers are disguised as specific white chicks that when everyone else looks at them, they see these women. What, like, are they supposed to be like Paris Hilton or something? They're, yes. They're impersonating these two, two actual people. Yes. In the world of the, so when we see their P o V, we see the actresses playing. No, just the, you're no characters in the movie are like, hi, Lisa Tanya, or whatever their names are. They're supposedly, they look so much like them. They flawlessly look exactly like these two and look so insane. And then you see them at the end. Uhhuh. The women that they're impersonating, I didn't realize, saw the very end of the movie. Seen it. What if you, what if you got cast? It's fucking crazy. As out of like, yeah, okay. You get this part and you realize you're playing someone who looks like Marlin Wayne's 10 with white, with pounds of face on. Yeah. So the idea is when people look at Marlin and this get up, they see you, Ugh. Wait. Okay. So what was your story about Tower? Sorry, but I wanna finish my story. We never, we, yes. We'll get back to my story. We put, we put the video on, we walked back to the, we put the video on and watched 60 seconds of it. And that was it. Because you were fucking Yeah, but there's no hotter movie than the little big man starting dusting off. Don't you go, even it was so the first minute of that movie, the whole pretense of like picking a movie and we, and we both were like, oh, this is interesting. And, and we were like, have you ever seen this? Have do Wait, was that literally, you actually just hooked up? Yeah. That is all you do at that point where it's like, let's watch a movie and know you're not going to, what? That's the Netflix thing isn't where people now Netflix and Chill. Netflix. Netflix are chill and they're like, that's literally put on anything. But I was just like, why did we have this half hour thing where we were like deciding and right and going, oh no, I've seen this. Oh no. Like it's like the dance of courtship. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. Wait, so you saw Michael Jackson. I saw Michael Jackson. Although now that I think about it, it could have been anyone because he was wearing a surgical mask and the mirrored sunglasses and a hat could have been any Asian glasses. You saw like the, the tendrils of hair creeping out 10 tendril olds. That's an inside joke between the two of us. Uh, cool, thanks. You dilly silly. Got her back in. Um, but he came in with like three or four security people, um, who established kind of a perimeter around him as he browsed through laser discs. And he bought a bunch of shit left. Like if you were to break that, never said a word. If you were to break that perimeter, you're a customer at the store. You have rights to go wherever you want in the store. I think. I think they were letting people in and around, but I think the idea was they were being watchful. They were, were, if you were to say something mething, they would maybe say like, Hey, if you were to say, are you a child molester? Then they would say, and he would say, yes, I am asked to tell you. Uh, so Michael Jackson. So Michael Jackson, what, what did he do then? Did he rent something? He bought a bunch of stuff and he left. What did he buy? Do you remember? He bought a bunch of laser discs. Cool. That would, that would be a thing that you would see a lot is like wealthy celebrities would come in and just buy like a crate of stuff. Yeah. Well, John, that's so cool. In Colin Hanks', in Colin Hanks' documentary about Tower across the, from you, the street, uh, he would go every single, uh, Tuesday and just buy every single record that would come out. Yeah. And he would buy stacks of, like, he would buy multiple copies of them. He said, just cuz he loved like going to, oh, he's probably like selling them. Yeah, that's what it means. Elton John was probably, he was selling him out of his car for like a markup. Yes, exactly. Oh gosh. We have to go. But before we go, we do have one thing to say to everyone and that is Dilly Dilly. Dilly dilly. Thank you. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production executive, produced by Scott Ackerman, Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit earwolf.com.

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https://www.earwolf.com/episode/this-episode-is-not-titled-dilly-dilly/

Threeture

Hypertheticals submitted by Lauren. Based on the Chuck Klosterman's book by the same name. Described as a "collection of outlandish hypothetical questions from an acclaimed pop-culture journalist that is sure to stimulate unconventional conversations". There are no rules, they just discuss the questions.

Questions

Lauren reads the questions from the book. Below are summaries (to prevent possible copyright infringement).

Question 1

Would you take a brain pill that makes you 10 percent more intelligent, but you will seem 20 percent less intelligent to everyone else.

Question 2

Would you spare a friend from a nonfatal grizzly bear attack if it meant that it would rain every single day for the rest of your life?

Question 3

A meteor will crash into Earth but you are mistakenly chosen to be flown on a spaceship to safety along with the best and smartest people on the planet. Do you admit that you were chosen by mistake?