Pop Eyedol

Release date	25 April 2018
Reddit discussion	reddit
Earwolf/Stitcher page	earwolf
Episode number	5
Previous episode	Slouchy Slurps-a-Ton
Next episode	This Episode Is Not Titled Dilly Dilly

"Pop Eyedol" is episode number 5 of Threedom. It was released on Wed, 25 Apr 2018.

Synopsis

Scott, Paul and Lauren discuss doing impressions as a child and comedy in other cultures. Then for their feature segment, the gang performs half-written, half-improvised plays.

Episode Transcript

adding the raw software transcription, so that multiple people can help organize the text better. Alone, this would take a really long time

Episode 05 - April 25, 2018

episode title: Pop Eyedol

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Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Welcome to, welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. We are back. How many people do you think? We're listening to this for the first time and immediately turned it off. Oh, oh. They're talking about cheeseburgers when you, they're just, they start every episode by yelling cheeseburger. It's not bad though. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Yeah. Is is not bad to start off. It makes for cheeseburger. It really does. Actually. When's the last time you guys had a cheeseburger? Well, I don't like cheeseburgers. Okay. No, Lauren. No cheese please. Wait, do you like hamburgers? Yes. By the way, welcome to the show. This is Scott Ackerman. Across from me. I have easy, cheesy Lauren Lapkus y. Right next to Lauren is me, Paul f Tompkins. He'll take the cheese, please. And across, across from me is the cheese himself, the stickiest man. I know. Oh, Erman. She fucking got you. Dang. Yo. Um, I don't, I like hamburgers. Mm-hmm. Um, you like to taste that meat in your mouth. Yeah. But, um, let it be known. Um, can an episode go by without us, like sexually harassing you on air? No, us let the record show. Hey, how dare we? There have been some instances in previous episodes when have I. Paul, do you really want me to pull up the, pull up the files I had you pull. Okay, let's move. Okay, here we go. Let's play that file for her and play. Laura, let me get at them. Tits help. See? Bet you regret it now. Oh my God. Now that everybody's getting their come up in hell. So do you like. If you, if you, oh my God. Would a, would a human ever kiss Mayor Mace? Do you think like a human lady? Yeah. Wait a minute. Are you from another planet? He's the hottest guy on Earth. He's asking us about humans. No, but I mean like, say, say they fell in love. Kiss, mayor Mace. Say they fell in love. I like it again. Mayor mc cheese falls in love with a human woman. Yeah, but wouldn't it be something to overcome? Like she's like, this is not so wide. I'm in love with this personality, but here we go. Let's see. See what it's like. What is the shape of water? I don't know what that is, and I don't know what anyone's tweets are about. Okay, Lauren. It's a movie. God dammit, Lauren. Let's, everyone's speaking about the shape of water. I know whenever you're listening to this, just like, oh, I don't care. The shape of water is about this Fishman and this lady Fishman, how Fishman may fall in love. Local news anchor. It's bad. Have you ever heard of, uh, Hellboy. Is that familiar to you at all? Yeah, I've heard of it. This is one of the characters from that graphic novel, and it's sort of, I don't think it is actually. Okay. I don't believe this is a Hellboy spinoff. Yeah. Um, it's not a spinoff. Maybe it's a prequel motherfucker. No, no, it's not. Setting a Hellboy universe are, are you sure? Yes. Are you sure? Yes, a hundred percent. This is actor Doug Jones playing an entirely different, different Fishman. Yes. Can I just say, why are you so angry? This is absurd and outrageous. It's not. I, I, speaking of Fishman. Yes. I was watching Justice League the other night against my will. I thought Aquaman was from entourage. So you had never realize that Aquaman is a real thing. That's right. No, I thought you thought it was a funny, it was super hero character that Adrian Grenier would play. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's not, so I tweeted that and then people went mad. It's not that hard to believe because it's ridiculous. Yeah. And it's like, oh, he like, so I guess in their mind, he's getting to play Batman. Like it's as good as, or no. Oh, meaning in the entourage universe. Yeah. If it were a fictional creation, yes. It's like playing Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But didn't they make a bunch of jokes about how it wasn't as good as Batman or something? Yeah. I feel like they made fun of it, but it was still like a big deal. I mean, they were really good at it, making fun of it. I love that show. I'm sure. Well, I was kind of kidding, but I did watch every episode and, and the movie, and I liked I Yeah, me too. I was, I saw the movie like Friday morning at 10:00 AM. I don't know this last Friday. I was gonna say, you, you, you saw the first available screening I did of Hunter Rodd, the movie In The Sin Rob Do. Oh my God. The first two seconds of that movie are so dumb. I can't believe it. It's like all tits. Yeah. Paul would like it, I guess. Yeah. Play, play the date. That's, let's hear the tape. Oh man, I love tits. Stop. Why? Why? Guys stop playing these. Oh, sorry. But we recorded them. Um, why did you cut them outta the previous episodes if you're just gonna play them here? You know what I saw today online? Um, it was a comment about you guys. Oh no, don't tell us. No, it was good. Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't tell you a bad one. Oh, really? Yeah. Not on air. It seems, it seems like something you would do to us. I'm a nasty little one. Um, no, but they said I love, I wish I had a friendship like Scott and Paul where they can just talk for hours about anything. Mm. On Mike. Yeah. It's about the best of the comedy. Bang, bang, best of at the time's. Right. All you need is the pressure of, of, of having an unseen audience. Right. But you But I, I thought, wow, I really horned in on that. What do you mean? No, your party, and I'm happy, like I got in on the friendship train. No, we, we've vacationed together. What do you mean? We, I know, I know. Conversation. We haven't talked about anything we want. Yes. Here's what's wonderful. Shut up. Mm-hmm. What's wonderful is who are you telling? Shut up everyone. Oh, okay. And everyone listening, if you're talking right now listening to this, shut up. We want silence in the world right now. What if there was like a literal world moment of silence because you said Shut up. That would be wonderful. And you just went shut up and everyone went. I was working in London for their, um, Charlie Old London. For, uh, their Veterans Day, you know, um, what do they call it? Armistice Day or something like that, maybe? I can't remember. Oh, yeah. Where they have the flowers on the lapel, and so they have, they have a national moment of silence. Oh, they do. And so we were on set at the same time. No, you can decide when you wanna do it. Yeah, I do one every other minute just for different stuff. Yeah. Usually when, if I'm in a conversation, yeah. I take a moment of silence every couple of seconds or so. I'll do like eight hours of silence every night. Yep. For what? Nine 11. Yeah. I start to get drowsy and I'm like, never forget. But they, they had, um, they had a TV on set so we could watch like the, uh, I guess in front of. Buckingham Palace or whatever they, they were like cutting to all these different locations. Mm-hmm. And so the moment of silence happened and it was dead silent. Interesting. All I could think was that would never happen. It would never happen. That would never happen. No. You never get that together. Never happen. There would be someone like going by the camera going who? Yeah. Intentionally ruining it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. For sure. I fell asleep right outside Buckingham Palace this last trying to meet the prince. Yeah, I just fell. I just fell. What do you mean making marks Stole your man? What was going on? We were on tour, right? And I, yes. And you'd had some wine. I had wine. Oh, no, no. You had martinis. Oh no. I had those martinis with my Canford. And then, uh, I was, I don't know. I was walking around or something and then I just fell asleep right in front standing up. You had time to kill people. Tried to make him laugh. Um, you, I was wearing that had big fuzzy hat. I don't know. You had, I think you had time to kill before I had time to kill. Yes. And you fell asleep on the street? No, I fell, I fell asleep. Like, uh, on the, on the, uh, like the statue on the throne of England. That's pretty, that's pretty chill. It was pretty chill. Um, I don't think I could relax that hard in public. I just remembered that today for some reason. I don't know why. I don't think I've ever fallen asleep outside. Oh, really? I think so. I ComicCon one year I was so hungover, uh, from a Saturday night party that, um, co-op went into ComicCon and I just. I, I was on the, the bus to get there, like the shuttle just f about to throw up on the shuttle and then I just fell asleep on the grass in front of Comic Con four hours. Serious, insane. For hours. Yeah. And then when I woke up, I felt great. Well, sure. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. It's happening again. I don't think I've ever slept outside. Besides camping, you've never slept outside. Interesting. Or camping? Well outside glamping. I was in a attempt. I was in a attempt I was in, in a camp to show what's the best, what's the best impression you've ever done? Bill Cosby. That just heard just now. Not bad. Um. Oh, that's a hard question. Did you ever, did you ever grow up going like, oh wow. I do a pretty good, I, but mom always made me do share when I was little. Okay. Is it, were you doing someone else doing share or I'd like No. You believe? Yeah. Pretty good. And I had, my brother always did Nel impressions. Nell. Oh Chick. My family thought it was funny. Nice. What about you? Did you do that when you were little? When I was little. I remember doing like Groucho Marks, grou. Wow. Groucho really? And how does he talk? Uh, yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah. You have the most, uh, ridiculous thing I ever say. The Sugar Boy 100. Oh yeah. Um, but I, I remember my, it helps when they talk like a stupid idiot, you know? That's the key to impressions. Find someone who talks like a stupid idiot, honestly, mock them. Yeah. I'm always impressed when someone can do an impression of someone who talks like a normal person. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, oh my God. Like, uh, when you realize that person has quirks, like I, I think there are some people where I'm like, they don't really have anything worried about that. What you see. Yeah. Like, remember when Peter, Sarah Heitz did the Alan Alda impression? It's like, oh my God. So, but Bill Haer does, or when Bill Hater. Yeah. They both do great ones. And you're like, oh, I guess I never, I just thought he'd talk like a normal, regular guy, or, or how could you even imitate that? And then you hear them do it and it's crazy. You got a seize on. Imperfections and exaggerate them. Yes. And break someone down. Mm-hmm. Yep. That's what we're here to do. That is what we're here to do with this show. Let me ask you this. When you were, ah, When you were a kid and were you, I'm assuming you were like you liked to goof around and stuff like that. Mm-hmm. Um, goof off is what I called it. Would you get, I call it jerk off, would you get shy now? You're sexually harassing me. Jerk off now? Yes, mommy. Alright. You made it weird starring Pete Olds. Um, were, would you get shy if you were asked to do it on command? Yeah, I do think I don't. I didn't like that. Yeah. But I was asking my mom when I was home for the holidays, like what would I be doing when I was little, like right now at like at the holidays or whatever. And she You mean sliding door style if I were little. What if I'd stayed little? But I was like, what did I like? Cause my, I have nephews can imagine. Imagine like that movie Little where he makes a wish, can I always be little? And then you just, He like decades go by and all of his friends growing up and dying. Dying. But his brain gets older. That's right. He's like, my business will never grow. He looks like he's eight years old, but he has Alzheimer's. Sorry, go ahead. Um, I'm not sorry. No, I was saying cause um, I have little nephews and they were running around and I was like, they're, they're little boys and they're, it's hard to like get them to like do a project. Or something, you know what I mean? Like when I was little, I, I remember enjoying doing crafts with my mom and like sitting down and doing something. But I feel like that's a kind of a girly trait. I would love to do crafts with your mom. You're welcome to it. Any time. I'm sure she'd love that. I met your mom. How I met your mom. Um, I would love to do crafts with her. Well, hey, call her up man. She loves fucking dig bra and shit. Um, and I. She said that I would come down and perform. Like put on little shows. Put on shows. Yeah. And so I didn't really remember doing that that much, but I was hanging here. Like what, what show? What would you do? Would she Little performances. We didn't really get into it, but I three sisters, well, like I have one home, I have like two home movies of myself. Uh, cause we didn't have a camera and one of them, I know. I've been wanting to go get these. Well, you trans, you have two whole movies because you didn't have a camera. Well, my aunt had a camera. Mm-hmm. So it was, she was around, we would film, but we only, I see only have a couple movies. Um, and I would, there's a video of me like singing in a wrapping paper tube to ACU Breaking Heart. Oh. In a what tube? A vacuum paper. Paper. Paper. Wrapping paper tube. Oh, got it. Um, so that kind of thing. Wait, like the long tube? Yeah. So you're like an Aerosmith? Yeah. She was just Tyler, almost like there were like kerchiefs tied to it or something. Amazing. I, because we, I was a kid before, you know, home, you're an adult. They were like, that's so you there, there was like, you know, super eight or whatever, but we, yeah, we had Super eight. Yeah. Yeah. And so because I'm the fifth out of six children, there's hardly any pictures of Oh yeah. They're like done with it. It's like we get it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. There's it really, it stopped after my. My, because I had three sisters, then my older brother, then me, then my little, see if you mentioned three sisters in the beginning, you have to bring it around at the end. Yep. It's like Checkov three sisters. So, um, because my brother, my older brother was the first boy. There was like, and he was blonde hair and blue eyes, masculine photos, lots of like, this is boy photos or, yeah, like he'd be in a forest on a tree stump, right? Yeah. Just like Don Jr. Well, there was the, yeah. Oh, oh yeah. I guess it's like that. But so there was the novelty of him and then like, okay, that's. Another boy now we're done. We got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too bad. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. We Did you perform when you were little around the house? I was painfully shy, but uh, somehow I wanted to be a puppeteer and so checks out. Fuck you. Not surprising at all. I don't want it to be one too. You could have done that. Me. Oh, really? Really? Yeah. Did she make puppets? Uh, she didn't make them, but we have a ton. You would buy puppets. Mm-hmm. She would buy puppets. Yeah. Do you still, she still has a ton of puppets now. Well, my mom was a preschool teacher until recently retired. Oh, okay. Yeah. What, at what point does she get rid of the puppets? Uh, probably never, cuz I have these nephews that now love them and Oh, okay. Does she put on shows for them and stuff like that? They did a puppet show. Oh wow. Yeah. Great. That's fantastic. She's a great grandma. Oh yeah. Wow. Um, yeah, my dad made me a puppet. Uh, where, where, uh, using the little tiny, uh, baseball hat that you would get when you would get a sundae. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got one of those, and then I also got one of the tiny bats at a Dodger game, I think Uhhuh. And so he, and, and then he took my. Uh, little league shirt, and he stuffed it and made a puppet out of this who was holding like a baseball bag. How big was this puppet? It was, uh, I'm what size? Like holding puppet, holding his arm on both sides of the room. I somehow stretched, like stretch Armstrong and I He he made you a costume? Um, no. It was, it was, it was relatively big with like big arm. Like I would put my arm in, it was like Muppet style. I'd put my arm in one of the arms, right. And my other arm as the, in the butt up, up the butt and around the corner. Um, yeah, where, where that fudge is made. My, my friend Edward and I would do puppet shows for scissor hands. Yeah. Edwards, that sounds dangerous to a puppet show. With scissor hands, you lose all your best props. But yeah, that, I mean, My mom tells a story about how I did a, a church play. I was very shy and I did a church play and, and I said, my line or something, and I got a laugh and she says that my eyes went wide and I looked at the crowd and she was like, and then I knew that that's what you wanted. Well, pride is a sin. Yeah. And for you to do that in church is disgusting. Isn't it funny though, how you just told that story like, and then I knew Cause you probably heard that a thousand times in your life. It's like, there are those stories that I'm like, okay, we know I did that when I was little. Right. Duh. Stop. I know I've grown up since then. I'm always interested in the stories that I've never heard. They'll, they'll like bust out a story one day and I'll be like, I've never heard you tell anything like that. Like some story about how we were at a, uh, some sort of game on the bleachers and I sat on my mom's lap when I was four and my dad yelled at her saying that she was coddling me and I was never allowed to sit on her lap again. I was like, sorry, the eyeopening story. And my mom and my mom told that and was saying that like, it's not where I thought this was, and I headed. Felt so guilty that I had been coddling you. I'm like, well, you, you're four Who, so your mom was the one who told you the story? Well, they, yeah. It came, I think they were both telling it or something. I don't know. Very, very weird. That's Was your dad telling it with pride? Probably. And then I screamed at your mother in front of everyone Probably. We did just have a conversation where my dad was telling a story. My mom just like kept interjecting saying, Nope, that did not happen. None of that happened. No, you're telling the exact wrong story. Now you're getting none of the details. Right. Doesn't that make you wonder about like, everyone, and like, what's actually true? I feel like if your mom mm-hmm. Or your dad was thinking that the, that was going, that was exactly how it happened. I feel like I would trust my, uh, wife's telling the stories way more than I would trust my memory. Yeah. Like if she were to tell a story, I'd go, yeah, you remember. And I don't, I, it's the opposite for me because I have a very good memory. And even though they say that memory is, uh, because of emotion, So I'm been a very emotional guy. Wow. I've been crying right now. Oh, and you always are Just tears streaming, but no one knows that when they always out of your penis. Okay. You know, can you mark that next time? Next episode. Favorite part for me to, off, off, go. GIZ off. Lauren, if you could GIZ for like into o'clock one day. Yeah, right now test it. Trying to, no. If you could see much is, if you could, if like one, if, if you had the option in a big style wish to, to jack off in a big style wish, if that was the option or if I could have anything. If you could have anything in the world, would you, is that what your wish would be? Oh, oh God. Oh God. Tell you what, we should take a break. Sure. Probably, what do you say? Let's take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more of us talking, more Paul coughing. He's gonna get over whatever. He's, uh, been nursing for weeks, uh, Lee weeks. Um, we will be right back. Welcome back. No. Welcome. Welcome back. We're here and we're not leaving. No, we're we're not going anywhere. Not going anywhere now. Not ever. You're not telling you. I'm not going. You're the best man ever, Cher. There's way ever. Ever. No. I wanna see Cher Live. I'd love that. I love her Twitter. Does she perform? Yeah, she just did. Let's go some dates in. Oh my God, that would be so fun. I would love, I, let's go. From what I understand, she puts on an amazing show. Hell I've never seen do during one of those big, hell hell video shows. Hell, I think she like reads letters from the audience, letters to the editor that she's sent. She, there's like a big hat at the entrance to the theater. This is a lie you. This is a lie. Okay, great. You let's play two truth, two truths in a lie. So we know this one's the lie. Okay, so, so then tell us two truths about it. Cher is a lie and there is an entrance to the theater. There is what if, wait, what if that were the lie? What if that were the lie? There's no entrance. You just find yourself there. No windows and no doors. Ooh, of course there's always my way out. Disneyland. When was the last time you went there? Uh, last year with my nephew. But, uh, nephew? Yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, same answer. Mm-hmm. What was the word? Almost going to be. I get confused with familial relationships, especially with a, uh, constantly changing one. I forgot. What do you mean? Well, with with Good catch? No, with cool up. Uh, having new relatives out there. Oh, okay. I thought you meant cuz he's growing up. I was like, Still your nephew? Well, yeah. Every year it's like, what are you now, where are you today still nephew, uncle Scott. Um, I got confused. I was, uh, making fun of the Trump family on Twitter and I forgot that Baron was his son that Baron. And Don Jr. Are brothers. Oh, that's what God, I was referring to how repulsive I was referring to Don Jr. As Baron's uncle. And then someone said, someone wrote to me and said, they're brothers. And I laughed and laughed and laughed. Have you seen the latest picture of Baron, where he's like all legs now? Ooh. Wow. He's like, he's like the first giraffe all the way up to his bud. He's like that leg lamp in Christmas story, uh, times two and it's on a person. Um, but with the gardeners he was wearing, there's like some picture shoes there. Can you imagine Barr and Trump wearing gardeners? Yes. Imagine White Brain does amazing things. Yeah. Imagine Baron Trump in Rocky Horror Picture Show. He looks honestly love his, love it. If his to were torso is very small and his legs are very long and he's almost assaulted as his dad. What if and not to, I mean obviously he's a child and we shouldn't be talking about him. Let's, let's leave the kids out. Let's leave him out. I'm he throwing up. But if, if, if af when he were 18, if he were starring in Hedwig, in the end, I pay green so much, so much money. When, when you're legally allowed to star in that musical, yes, I would pay, I would pay so much to see it. Especially how much, how much did you pay? Especially if he were to do a row, a monologue at the end of it. Personal, personal monologue at end. Still in makeup and everything. Still a makeup. Yeah, like a talkback. I wanna thank everyone for coming out. I would pay, I would, I dunno, I would pay, you can ask me three questions about living at the White House. I would pay. I'd pay a couple of grand. I was gonna say I'd pay like $4,000. Jesus Christ. Probably, probably I would do somewhere around there. Not me. Not me. If they were like, especially if you were cut off, I think I would be crying laughing the whole time. What if he's great, then that'd be hilarious too. It'd be like the funniest thing I could ever witness. Like I think I would have to, it would be so I'd have to pay off for that. Especially if you were cut off from the family fortune because he was like an outcast. Suddenly Broadway money. He needed it. I would be like, here, he wouldn't get the money. Would he be paying for the theater? Oh, what if he were. Exactly the same in Hedwig and the iron itch as he is now, where he is just like hands kies, just walking around, not talking, but kind of mum mumbling the lyric. Everyone but's dressed up. Yeah. And everyone's doing the show around him. It's, it's him. Just, it's all time though. It sounds like going to see like little kids in a play. Have you ever seen little kids in a play? I saw, um, wait, you told that story? Oh, I told it already on this. No, we might have told it just. Uh, well, when I saw The Little Shop of Horrors play with five-year-olds playing it, wait, I don't know if you've told the story on here. Okay. I think you just told it. Well, I, I saw, I saw these five-year-old kids playing Little Shop of Horrors, and it's so funny because I, in my mind I would be like, well, they won't. They won't be good. They'll, but they'll be going for it. And so many of them are just like, rotely, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Saying the things. And then there were two mush nicks and they spoke at the same time. Mush Nicks mush. Nick is a character in Oh, mush. Before they were trying to say Munchkin, then I was this little person and I just felt like I went on like hole. But they cast two little kids. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What were you picturing in your mind? Well, I just was really confused, but then I was like, maybe he means like a Russian thing or something. I just like was, had no idea what you were talking about. Why? Why wouldn't you just assume it's a character from the show? Because there were two mush nicks. It just seemed like it was a slur. Oh, oh, really? And that's the kind of person you think I am? Yeah. Actually. Are these two kids? Because they had more kids than they had parts. Yeah. So they cast two kids and they, instead of just like swapping scenes, they just said, yeah, just talk at the same time. So they spoke in innocent. Oh my God, that's not the story I thought you were gonna tell. Oh. What story did you think I was gonna tell That little boy who like did something really funny? Oh no, not that story. Oh boy. We've told it on this several, the Udin story. Oh yes, of course. I don't, I don't wanna tell it again. UDA Puddin. Not on this show. Catch one of our previous episodes of a show we've done before. Oh my God. Uda Puddin. That's so funny. Yes. Wait, so I wanna tell you what this reality show, I'm watching that. It's on Netflix and I actually, I hesitate to even share this with the world because it's so ear rock. Not sure I, I'm enjoying it so much myself that I feel almost, you don't want anyone else to like start having kitschy fun with it cause Yeah. Yeah, it's mine. Okay. But it's not mine. It's a Japanese reality show called How so Terrace House. How so? It's place in Japan. Oh, wait, wait. I don't know. I missed something. Um, and it's amazing and it's this house, it's basically like. Real, real world meets Big brother, but there's no challenges and no like forced drama. So there's three boys and three girls and they all are like, um, people who perfect for fucking Yeah, I know. And sometimes it does work out, but they, sometimes it does work out. But they're, but it's so fascinating because they're all people who have individual goals in their lives. Like they have different careers. Like there's like a guy who's, I wanna be in a house. That's your goal? Yep. Well, sleeping on Buckingham pills. I've only slept outside except for camping, but they're like, uh, there's like a hat maker and like an architect and like different people. They all hat maker. She's great. Really? They all have different, somebody has to make the heads. She's a designer. Hmm. And then when you're ready to leave, when you feel like you've reached a goal of yours, what? Or you're just done with the relationships there. You just leave and they put a new person of that gender in. So it's, so whenever you wanna leave, they leave. So they on a whatever schedule you want. So some people have been there for like that work six months. Yeah. That would never work out in America. So much of of it. All of them wanna be there. No, no. All the time. So much of it would never happen this way. It's, it is something else you said that made me think, oh, when the moment of silence because like there's so much about the culture that allows the show to work this way, but like, In America, unlike real world, they have sex in like the first five minutes. Like someone will be fucking, this does not happen. They have like courtship and then like maybe the, like there was one couple that got together and like you learn later that they do have sex, but we have like a conversation that she had like about it or something. Mm-hmm. And like they don't actually show all the drama always. Just like you'll see a conversation where like earlier you said something really rude to me and you won't have seen that. Uh, and so it's like, It's, it's so good. And then are you sure they're just, the cameras don't work sometimes? Well, they might not film everything, but still like it's, cause I, I haven't figured that out yet, if there's always a camera there or not. Mm-hmm. But then there's these interstitials with these comedians, these Japanese like celebrities. Oh wow. And they make fun of the show and they make fun of all the people. And it's So, I'm gonna choke. It's so funny. It's like you're choking because it's so funny or Yeah, I can't believe it. No, when I think, when I watch it though, it's so fascinating cuz it feels like us hanging out, like how we would make fun of them. Like it really opened my eyes up so much. Like culturally, like I, I've been to Tokyo and I loved it there so much, but you can't come communicate at a certain point. Obviously I don't speak the language and to hear them like joke in the exact same way that we joke, I was like, this is so cool. It's just awesome. I think you would really enjoy it. What's the name of the show? Terrace House, T e r r a C, Terrence House. Hi, I'm Terrence House. Welcome to another episode of Terrance House. Of Terrace House. But also, if you don't like it, then fuck off. Fair enough. I want it to my, I checked your terms, Laura. I, I love it. Laura, do you remember we were talking about the people's couch? Yes. We were going to do a show, we were gonna do a night at the UCB, where we watched the people's couch on stage and talk about it. People's couch. It's not on anymore show. The people couch is like, People at their apartment watching like different series of people. Different groups of people watching Bravo shows and commenting on them. So you see, it's basically just their commentary. You take a little clip and then they make fun of it or something. Yeah. And then we are gonna do a show where we comment on that. That's almost like you're trapped in the closet. Commentary. Yes. Commentary. That's right. That's right. R Kelly did, um, uh, you know, the famous trap in the closet, and he did a, a, a visual commentary where he was watching for dvd, it was his back and he was watching a TV screen. Then he would turn over the shoulder and talk. He's sat in a, in like an, an easy chair. It was the weirdest thing. He's sitting like in the three quarter profile with a, with a screen, uh, you know, in front of him and he's watching trapped in the closet. And then he would, um, He would just pretty much say he would watch the thing what was happening. Yeah. And then he would just turn over his shoulder to the camera behind him every while he'd just look at the camera. Yeah. So when I, it's so weird, and I saw Paul do this live. He put that on the screen and sat with his back to the audience and then turned around and spoke over his shoulder. That's so funny. I love that. It is interesting, like culturally, I. Other countries who, with people who don't want to constantly be on tv? Yeah. Or just how it cha I I remember I was watching, uh, in probably the early two thousands, I was watching a si, a 1960s episode of the Dating Game and just how different the United States is now. Uh, this episode of the Dating Game, the, the woman, it was three bachelors and a woman, and the woman said to, okay, bachelor, number three, sing a song that you make up for me. And bachelor number three said, um, I don't think I would be able to do that. Um, no thank you. And she said, okay. And then they moved on and I was like, oh yeah, of course. Back then, how demeaning to be on television, right? Mean people have no shame now. Yeah. Well anyway, all these things that had not been invented yet, all the tropes of television that had not been invented yet, and there was still some. You know, like sheen of civility to everything. Yeah. Well you, you had to go back to your neighborhood and friends and family. Yeah. And they would make fun of you if you did something like that. I'm not going to sing a song and nowadays it would be like I saw you on television. But I think that is also what's kind of fascinating to me about this show is that I would assume culturally they would not want to be a part of something like that. Like just out of like what I know about the culture, but then. To see how they handle it and how the comedians like roast them in the exact mm-hmm. I mean, the joke, I mean, when I say like it, I find that to be the most fascinating thing because their, their culture meaning, like the sense of humor that they share is so exactly what we do. Mm-hmm. That it was like really eye-opening. Like I felt like, oh, I feel like I have these judgements about other cultures or things that I think I know well, sense of humor are. They don't always line up one to one. Yeah. Like I remember when Big Brother first came out here in the States, they included all this stuff that they would put on the, uh, I believe it was a Swedish show first, and they, they made all these like jokes that they would make on the Swedish version that did not fly with Americans. Yeah. Because, you know, we, we had had, it was all of this kind of ironic stuff of like, look, we're just gonna show you the chicken coop for a whole minute. Yeah. And it was like, yeah, we, we've had Letterman for 25 years. We know all the ironic stuff. This is a big brother. Really? Yeah. Yeah. The first season they did it exactly like they did the original Swedish show and it, it was not very good. And then they changed it to make it an American joke. That's interesting. But, you know, uh, American Idol. Uh, is kind of the same thing when it was Pop Idol in, uh, the uk. They had these, those people competed to be the next Popeye Popeye Dole. It was so dull. You'd be a boring Popeye, but they, they had two comedians. Host. Is that your best impression you were waiting to share? I, Paul knows that I did Popeye. It's one of my favorite. I thought of that story the other day. Did Wait what? Oh God. Do you want me to tell Please? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So when I was 13, I lived here in California and I started listening to KISS fm. Right. Top 40 Radio. Yeah. And they had a, uh, they had a disc jockey on from, I believe six to 10 was his slot, and his name is Bruce Vidal. And uh, and I thought he was so cool. He just sounded silly. His voice was very, very cool. Mm-hmm. I remember like years later, I saw a picture of him and he was like, Giant. I was just like, oh gosh. Um, not no judgements on that, but, but just not what you expect. It was not the mental image that I expected. Um, and he would do this thing called the Boogie Line at, uh, where at about 7 45, he would say The Boogie Line is now open and you would call the radio station. And you would like tell jokes on the air and, and, and then at around eight 20 or something, his team would edit them all together and it would be like a random montage of people calling in and telling jokes. Oh my God, I love it. So when I was 13 I was like, I'm gonna call the Boogie Line and I'm gonna get on this, I'm gonna get on the radio. Yeah. Did you call a bunch? So I, they still had the taste in your mouth from one time from that church show. So I, your mom could see it in your eyes. So I did an impression Stop coddling that boy. Oh, what a sad life. Um, so I did an impression of Popeye because he was my favorite cartoon character and I, and we didn't have a television. I mean, who was better? No, he's, I was so Well, no, I was very, I was very, very into the early, like Popeye comic strips. Oh, Robin Williams. Well, I was very excited about that movie when it came out. Absolutely, of course. Was I was very into the early cartoons in the early comic strips. Um, did you know that the, that the Jeep was invented by, uh, the, the word Jeep was originally Popeye? Mm-hmm. What do you mean? So they named the vehicle after that character? The vehicle after that character? Yes. Why? I don't know. Wait, it's a character's name? Yeah. Yeah. So Eugene the Jeep. Oh yeah. Crazy. So, uh, So I did sort of an impression of Popeye, and so I called up for the first time and I was like, okay, I really wanna make this good. Excuse me. So I had, um, I had taped a bunch of sound effects, I think, off the TV or something. Sure. Which was all like, and like a toilet flushing and stuff like that. That must have taken work though. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'd taped all these and, and like a, a chatter box laughing like, and stuff like that. So I called up. I called up the boogie lion as Popeye. Oh my God. And it was like, Bruce Vidal was like, boogie Lion. And I was like, hello, it's Popeye. And then I would, then I told a joke. Right? I told some joke. You gotta tell the joke. I, no. Oh, okay. I will. I actually don't know any of the jokes. Uh, I, there is one I do know. Yes. But, uh, that'll come later in the start. So, and then I would tell a joke and then I would press play on my tape recorder, which would then play the sound effects. And then he would, and then he hung up. Would it be one sound effect per No. It, it was like a string of them until, until he, until took across the road. So, and then, you know, he would just, he would never say goodbye or anything. He would just hang up, you know. So the first time I called in, they put me on the air and I was like, holy shit. I got the, I got the taste of it. So I would call regularly for months, for like three months or something like that, and he would put me on all the time, right? And so then, uh, I called back one day and I was like, hello, it's Popeye. Um, I gave, uh, Bluto. Uh, a toilet seat with an inscription on it. It said aim high, and then I press the, the button and ball flush, toilet flush. And then I'm like listening for the hangup and I don't hear it. And then I press stop on the tape recorder and I hear Bruce Fidel say, Popeye, and I don't know how to respond because I've never spoken to him in this manner before and I didn't know if I should respond in character or whatever. So I just said yes and yes. You're 13. I'm 13. Eddie says, we wanna give you the special hotline so you can call in and not have to get the busy signal anymore. Oh my God, Papa. And I'm like, okay. And he gave me the special, okay. He gave me the special hotline and I said, oh, thank, thank you. And hung up. And then I think I called the hotline once and it just lost the luster to me or something. Plus I also, I was in junior high. The chase is always better than the kill. I was in junior high and I remember saying to like some people, I think I started eighth grade or something. I said to, I said to like a cool person. I was like, Hey, you ever listen to uh, KS fm, uh, Bruce Vidal at night? And they're like, yeah, sure. I was like, you ever listen to the Boogie Line? Uh, I think so. Yeah. I'm Popeye. Okay. And they're like, who gives a shit? Are these separate thoughts? Yeah, that's a non separate. Everyone wants the book again. I'm Popeye. Are you okay? Yeah. Vote for me. So yeah, that's my Popeye story. I love it. I don't know what made me think of it. The other, yes, so funny. I don't know why we were talking about that. I don't either. Uh, Terrance Terrance's house. Terrace House. Terrace house. Oh, well, like sense of humor being different and then something. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Anyways, yeah. Anyway, why don't we take a break? Okay. Let's come back. When we come back, someone will have brought a feature for us to do the future. Alright. We'll be right back. Hey, we're back. And oh, frightening everyone. Frightening listeners. Hey boo, it's frightening. We're back. Um, welcome back. Lauren's on her phone and wrapping it up. Wrapping it up. Um, send, um, welcome back. So this is the part, uh, in our third segment, uh, one of us brings something to do. That's right. And, uh, a little, uh, fun thing for us to do. And it looks like it's up to me this time. So, uh, Lauren, you've probably played this, but I brought some, some plays here. Oh. And we're gonna do that game where one person reads, uh, actual lines from a play and then the other two. Uh, improv. That's fun around it. Well, I have done the show Grab Water at ucb. Have you ever seen that show? I've never seen it. No. They do that. So you have an actor, uh, one character's lines of a scene. Mm-hmm. And then the improviser knows nothing about it. It's something that, it's, I saw when I was, uh, 18 or something, I saw this improv group that my friends were in. I saw them do it, and it's like the hardest I've ever laughed. This we're setting us ourselves up for a terrible. Uh, but, uh, I, I've never, I've never seen it with three people, but I assume that two people can do it while one person reads lines, right? Yeah. Okay, good. I mean, I don't see why not. So I, so I brought three plays, three different plays. Mm-hmm. And so I'll, I'll read the lines first and you guys can. How's, how's this usually start, Lauren? Well, it usually is the person's memorized. Oh, who gives a shit? We're on the podcast. Well, Scott, are we gonna do this right or are we gonna half-ass it? That's how it starts. I, no, but I guess you just, you start. Yeah. But tell us, tell us if we need to like be, um, wait, will it work with three people? Yeah, because I'll just say lines and then you guys play other people. I don't know. Who knows? Let's just try it. Let's try it. Uh, this is, it's not gonna work. Well, this, well, maybe it should be, maybe it should be two people and then we'll do two different people. All right. Let's just see how it works. If, if someone wants to join in. Okay. You can, um, This is for, uh, Biloxi Blues by Neil Simon. I'm gonna play Epstein. Um, and, uh, here we go. Okay. The Army has its logic. I have my own. Okay, well, are you gonna come outside? Because everyone's waiting for you. And we, we really don't wanna start unless everyone's there. Since I'm not guilty of a crime, I reserve the privilege to keep my own motives a matter of confidentiality. You keep saying you're not guilty, but you, you know what? Everyone out there thinks you are. Okay. I'm not trying to beat you, Sergeant. I'm trying to work with you. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like you're actually trying to fuck with me. I don't think it's necessary to dehumanize a man to get him to perform. You can get better results raising our spares than lowering our dignity. This is, you can't turn it around on me because I know that you did. No, you, I saw you take it. I didn't want anyone to see that. Okay. That was a personal experience. I think inventing a crime that didn't exist to enforce your theories of discipline is Neanderthal in its conception. I. I didn't invent anything. Something actually happened out there. And you know what? It was, okay. Egyptian Kings made their slaves obedient. Eventually they lost their slaves and their kings. Just cause I didn't go to college. Just mean you can pull the shit on me. Okay? I don't care what you know about Egypt. It should be an interesting contest, Sergeant. Let's get out there and I'm gonna spit farther than you, and that's the plan. Okay? And whoever doesn't, doesn't spit far enough, is gonna be sleeping under the fucking trenches. After I crush your testicles, you can replace them with cotton balls. They're gone already. And see, that's fun. All right Here? Yeah. Here's yours. Okay. You'll do it with Paul, I, I assume. Hi, I'm Paul. Yes. Okay. And you have the Play Angels in America. Paris Stryka, Tony Kushner. Uh, let me find a, lemme find a real good one. Find a real good one. Okay. So Lauren is going to be doing the lines from Angels in America, Paris Stryka, Paris Stryka. And Paul will be improvising around her. Okay. Excuse me. Ring rings around her. Okay. Yes. Thank you. Oh, this is gonna be so much worse than I'd imagine. Oh, I didn't realize. Such a good actress. I know. Thank you. Really convinced him. Oh, this is gonna be so much worse than I'd imagined. Well, your imagination is nothing compared to mine, and what I'm imagining is off the charts horrible. Fuck you, your little shit bag. Hey, just because you're jealous of my imaginary skills doesn't mean that you can talk to me that way. Don't see any bruises. Well, not every bruise is visible because some are emotional. Like I. You inflicted on me. You are one noble guy inside. Don't flatter yourself, Lewis. So it's your Tea Party talk. Okay? First of all, thank you for coming to the Tea Party. Secondly, thank you for saying the thing about nobility. I don't. Get how? I'm just noble inside. I feel like that's just what nobility is. I don't know if you're saying I don't look noble, which is an insult I guess. But anyway, talk. I'm getting to it. Let me pour you some tea. Make up. Okay. I, I, this is a tea party. This is not, we agreed that we were just gonna come, like, just fresh outta the shower. We weren't gonna doll ourselves up. It was gonna be a casual tea party for some friends. Aha. But okay, here it comes. So I can't do anything without you, assuming I have an ulterior motive. Yes. I invited you over to have a no makeup tea party. And yes, I do have an ulterior motive, which is. I want you to go in on a business with me. It isn't. Yes, it is what I'm telling you. It is. It is. We're going to open up a frozen yogurt franchise, the two of us. You were saying something about being reasonable. Yeah. This is entirely reasonable. This is, this is, I'm telling you, this is a license to print money. People love froyo. You wanna come back? Why? Okay. I don't know if you're paying attention to what I'm saying. I'm moving back to this town to first of all, host these regular tea parties, no makeup tea parties, but also to open up a frozen yogurt franchise with you. My best friend. Oh, no you didn't. Oh, yes I did. Yes I did. I've already signed a lease. You're seeing someone else. Okay. I am seeing other realtors because I'm, you are? Yes. I want to open multiple franchises. Threshold of revelation. Now ask me how I know he's a Mormon. Alright. How do you know he's a Mormon? How. Yeah. You, you wanted me to ask you, is he a Mormon? Yes. How is he a Mormon? Fuck you. I'm a prophet. What? Scene? Hey. Hey. Uh, very good. That was fun. That was fun. That was fun. Now, Paul, you have another, you have a different play. I do. Well now I have two plays. Scott have two plays. Oh, I have the caretaker and the dumb waiter. Two plays by Harold Pinter. Both starring Webster are what? Didn't he go up? Down in a dumb waiter. Really? Oh, I guess so. Yeah. A dumb waiter. Why would that? Because he was small. Yeah. But still, who has a dumb waiter instead in the 20th century? Yeah. We had a dumb waiter at Chin Chin when I worked there. My friend actually, their parents, her parents designed their house and they built in a dumb waiter from the garage to the upstairs kitchen so you could load groceries. Oh, of course. I Interesting. I have a dumb waiter in my house too. I'm just saying we all have dumb waiter. Dumb. I'm a waiter who's dumb. Oh shit. It is a really emasculating name for a. Thing. That's cool. Yeah. Like it makes you not wanna put one into your house. Yeah. Dumb waiter. Mm-hmm. Well, what it means is it's a mute waiter. It's a waiter that cannot speak. Right. So it sounds like a perfect waiter. It's, it's ableist. I cannot stand waiter humor, by the way. We had a, like, got patience for it like that. Too much. We had a server. No, I, I just mean, uh, humor that servers do. No, no. He was doing it. That's what I was doing. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry. I thought that you were saying. I didn't like your jokes that you made. Now I'm saying that No, like when you finished your plate and they're like, Hmm. Guess you hated it, huh? Yeah, I did. I did a standup character that was a, a waiter who had, who was trying standup for the first time and he was just doing waiter humor and it was a lot like that. Anyway, somebody told me that, that's a good one. A friend of mine, I can't remember who told me this, that when they, when the waiter says that to them, I guess he didn't like that too much. His response always is to. Be extremely sincere and apologetically. No, actually I liked it a lot. No, in fact, I hate, look. I hate the whole thing. I ate it all. All. Let's see. This is, well, let's go with the first play, which is the caretaker. The caretaker. This is addressed to Vivian. This is dedicated to Vivian. Okay. So our performance will be to Vivian as well, salsa to Vivian, um, and anyone named Vivian. Yeah, even fictional characters. Sure. Like Vivian from the young ones. I played Vivian Krill in Jurassic World. Did you, what's on your character days? Vivian Krill was on my badge. Vivian Krill. Is that the only reason that anyone would know that name is Cuz he was on the Or did anyone call me? Probably, I don't think anyone, um, Vivian was, I don't know if anyone says my name in the movie Vivian Krill. Get over here. One says krill though, for sure. All right. I think I found. A good one. Oh, that's a, okay. Okay. I gotta make sure I'm not the character with like the gigantic monologue. Right. Alright. Okay. Um, yes, here we go. Uh, mm-hmm. Okay. Mm-hmm. Family of Indians live there. A family of Indians live there. I mean, I expected one or two, but a whole family. That's incredible. I don't see much of them. You don't see much of them that, I mean, that could be expected. I mean, you know, they're not really known for hanging out outside shoes. Well, yeah, because they don't have shoes normally, so they, they tend to stay inside and because they can get rocks in their feet and it's just very difficult. So I, it's very understandable. So I, I get it. Where, At the, at their houses, obviously. Uh, so no, I get it. It's, there's no need to be defensive about not seeing your neighbors. I, I understand. Because, you know, I don't talk to my neighbors all that much either, so everyone tends to just stay inside, you know? I might have a pair you. Yeah. I mean, you could definitely get a pair of shoes. I think it would be, it would definitely protect your feet. I mean, I'm looking down at those and they're, they're bloody and um, you know, really disgusting. And you could also stand to cut your toenails quite honestly. A pair of Brown, I think. Yeah. Look, dad, I think that you could get a pair of brown shoes. Definitely. I think that would be, that would, we could take you to the store. Do you want us to take you to the store? You've got to have a good pair of shoes. I, I agree. So why don't you let, why don't you let Marge and I take you to the store and we can get you that good pair of shoes that you're asking for. What happened when you got there then? I. When I got there, when I bought my shoes, uh, I brought money with me. I tried on, you know, not too many pair. It's not gonna be too many pairs. You can try on one or two until you find one that's comfortable. We'll just, we'll, we'll have them measure your feet if that's what you want. What I said, they'll, it's not something to be worried about. They'll measure your feet. They, they usually, they just take, uh, uh, they have a machine that does it. You know, they're not going to get down there and, and actually take a, a measuring stick to it or anything. See if these are any good. Mm-hmm. These are not shoes, these are cans of tomato soup. You can't use these as sh I mean, yes, you could put a strap on them and and affix them to your feet, but they're not gonna protect you from the elements the way that you want to Dad, would they? No. Yeah, they would technically but you, they're, they don't have good arch support. You're not gonna be able to use them. Come on, dad, let us take you to the store, please. You gotta get out of the house. Not bad trim. Oh, you're stop looking at my wife. Okay. God, this is disgusting. Like, you know, I know. Ugh. Try these, you just handed me two bags of potato chips. They're the same brand, the same flavor. Can I just open one? I uh, you don't want me to open both bags? Do you? Good Dad, you know, we love coming over here and talking to you and visiting with you, but, um, you know, we're just worried you're not taking care of yourself. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. I mean, look at this place is a, is, you know, you haven't been keeping up with it. Could we pay for someone to come over here and tidy up, you know, every once in a while? Mm, I we would be willing, we would be willing to do it. I know it hurts your pride, but, but you know, we have money set away for this and, and I wanna make sure that you're okay in your old age. Ah, I So you'll let me do it. You'll let me do it. I'll see what I can look out for you. Oh, what, thank you dad. That's all I really want. I just wanna make sure you're okay. You know, you took such good care of me. God, I'm getting emotional. You took, you took such good care of me growing up and to see you like this is really, uh, very emotional for me, but I want to make sure that you're okay. Where are you gonna go? I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna make some calls and I'm gonna get a maid service for you, and we're gonna clean this up. Don't worry. Would, would you like to sleep here? Yeah, I would. Dad. That's so nice. Yeah, we. Uh uh. Yeah. That's great. I would like to sleep here till you get yourself fixed up. I'm doing fine. We need to clean this place up. But yeah, we get yourself sorted out. Okay, now I feel like you're patronizing me. I thought it was a night. I thought you were just asking if we could do like what we used to do, a father and son sleepover party. But, uh, now I feel like you're patronizing me for some reason. I'm just offering to help you here. The other rooms would, would be no good to you. Yeah. None of these rooms are good. This is, this place is a fucking shit hole. Dad. There's a bed behind all that. Yeah. Well, I, that's what I'm saying. Yes. There's a beautiful bed that we bought you, a California king and you never sleep on it. It's, there's trash all over it. I picked it up. Just keeping it here for the time being thought it might come in handy. Yes. A bed comes in handy every single night. No. See, oh boy, that's, that reminded me of this. Scene you did at the show's. Not funny when you were off for, oh, that was really good. Harold Pinter not such a great choice for that game. He just says, ah, okay. Yes. That was very funny. Very nice, very nice. Fun game. Fun game. Thanks Scott, for bringing the feature. Of course. Well, that's just about it for us, uh, on this episode. We're, uh, and. Yeah. What if this never gets released because there's a nuclear war? That'd be cool. That'd be cool. That'd be cool. Be an alien and shit. Yeah. So you think when we die, we become aliens? We would turn it into I'm a Scientology. Oh, I did not know that. And our friendship is over. All right, we'll see you next time. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Production executive, produced by Scott Ackerman, Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit earwolf.com.

Earwolf Page

https://www.earwolf.com/episode/pop-eyedol/

Threeture

Actor's Nightmare submitted by Scott.

Rules

One person reads lines from the script of a play while another must improvise dialogue. Also played in Live from Just for Laughs: Perabo.

Description

1. Scott reads lines spoken by Epstein in the play Biloxi Blues by Neil Simon while Lauren improvises.
2. Lauren reads lines from Angels in America (Part Two: Perestroika) while Paul improvises.
3. Paul reads lines from The Caretaker by Harold Pinter while Scott improvises.