Chalk Talk

Release date	4 April 2018
Reddit discussion	reddit
Earwolf/Stitcher page	earwolf
Episode number	2
Previous episode	This Was A Mistake
Next episode	Jack Bauer He 24 Big Hit

"Chalk Talk" is episode number 2 of Threedom. It was released on Wed, 04 Apr 2018.

Synopsis

Scott, Paul and Lauren discuss their concerning amount of head injury stories, odd interactions with the police and losing a finger. Then the three hosts play the game Duck, Marry, Kiss.Check out the Threedom merch at www.podswag.com/threedom This episode is brought to you by Evelyn and Bobbie ( www.evelynbobbie.com code: THREEDOM).

Episode Transcript

adding the raw software transcription, so that multiple people can help organize the text better. Alone, this would take a really long time

Episode 02 - April 04, 2018

episode title: Chalk Talk

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Hello everybody. It's us again. I'm Paul f Tompkins. I'm Lauren Lapkus. I'm Scott Erman. We're your friends that you love. Mm-hmm. And we're here to talk. You're best friends, were you. We're your best friends. We're here to talk to each other that you love, that you love. We're your best friends. We're here for sleepover. You love. We're here for sleepover. We talk to each other and you listen to us and you don't say fucking fucking thing. That's right. We can't fucking hear you. But still, even if. Even though we can't hear you, don't talk during this. Please don't. It's just disrespectful. What do we care? Actually fine. Talk over single time. Talk over us the entire time. Talk over just like we're doing right now with each other. We're talking over each other. We're talking. There's lots crosstalk. Everyone talks. Cross talk. Buddy. Listens. What? Crosstalk. That's what do you see at the arc? Like we have a receipt here. Uh, trying to show off. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. I love your daddy. Are they showing they're showing porn at the Arc Archive Now. Don't worry about it. This is it. It went under the radar. But I said, I love you dad's daddy as being the film you saw and then you said porn. I just wanted to, cause someone's gonna hear that and saying, I forgot that that was a movie. That's not movie anymore. Nope. No. Remember that cinema they got put in movie jail movie? Hell, it'll never get out. No. You know what? They put it in the Disney vault. Oh no. Right next to the Song of the South. Great place where you can't get to it. What are we, what, what is this show? What are we doing? What is this show? Let me sum it up. This is a show where three friends get together, they talk, they have a spirited, lively discussion about this, that, and the other thing. We're sort of, uh, controversial. Firebrand. Yeah. Yeah. I, that's fair to say. Oh, I thought you guys would like my socks. I wore them by happenstance, but, oh, let's check 'em out. They say, I don't care, but on the bottom they say, I'm high, not. I love it. What the, on the bottom of the foot, like the sole of the, oh, here I'm high. Why? Oh, I get it. I don't care. I don't care. I'm high. I'm not high. What, uh, have you ever been high? I don't wanna talk about it. Is that not your image? I can't let anyone. No. Were you high watching? I love you, daddy. Yeah, it's so turned on that movie. Gum me going. Just the photo run. Oh, the concept. I mean, 24 frames per second. Look, so many. Um, wait. Can I bring to your attention a news story that was sent to me? Oh, please, uh, play the jingle. Ba ba ba news. Okay. This was sent to me by a Twitter follower and it's a screenshot of a click bait news ad. Mm-hmm. Or whatever you'd call it. And it's a sponsored post and it's a picture of. Well, the, the headline says his ex-wife dropped a bombshell, inor da da da. So I'm guessing something about divorcing and there's three faces of maybe was the town, Devor, bombshell, invo, and then three faces of shock and horror. And then the, the couple is me and DJ Qualls next to each other. Why now, as I've said on numerous, um, shows, yes, I am told often and daily that I look like DJ Qualls. Right. How does that make you feel? Hot. And, um, this person made this click bait where we're married and apparently I divorced him and it's pretty great. Oh, so that was not a mistake in the click bait. That was, that's someone just took that, there's been one of me where it said, uh, you won't believe how these, these celebrities died. And there was just a picture of me, like, in Jurassic World, And you die. I don't know. I never clicked it. Um, because you're a ghost and you can't use a mouse. Yeah. Can't. My hand would go right through. Um, did, uh, do you remember the first time you ever saw DJ Quas? Yeah. Road trip. And did, were you like, that dude looked like me. I was like, why is this a mirror? I'm standing around in my diaper too. How did I get into the movie? How'd I get into the movie? Um, you know, yeah. I did think that it's, isn't it annoying? Yeah, I did think that. Yeah. It's, is it annoying though, how many times people send you. Like you look like this person. Yes. A day. Yes. Yes. I don't know. And I've done it to you, Paul, once. Once, yes. And I felt guilty about it. Cause you look why I think you look like a guy in Narcos or something like that. Yeah, that was one I was done a lot. He almost never a good, it's never flat. Never is. Never. No. People will send me literally any person or thing that has a mustache, right? Theys wait. Always have mustaches. It's like, look at the statue. This looks like you supposedly have a mustache. Wait, that's a title. Yeah, but not for the show by now. We've named it by now. We've named it, but we don't know what the name is. This is exciting. What an exciting time this is. Oh boy. Um, this is our second episode by the way, right? Yes. Yeah. Okay. People send me pictures of, I mean, I do get pictures of girls that are not unattractive, but they just have big blue eyes send them to you. Can't forward 'em just pictures of girls like you dunno how they works. Honestly. If you were, are you getting all these conscious, you were to constantly send me pictures of girls. I think it, it would be a really funny bitch just girls watch out. I get sent and it's happened again. Yeah, that Lauren sent it to me the other day. Oh yeah. And this is, this happens once a year. Mm-hmm. But it's been happening for three years now. There was a story in 2014 where the cake boss was pulled over for drug driving. Oh yeah. Constantly these days, like over the last few days. Constant, it's like, and people, they sent him to me too, and people saying, why you gotta talk about this on the podcast? Yeah. It's like we did when it happened. It's so years ago. I thought it was new too, because Rob Delaney retweeted it, and then I saw that it was old, but I still didn't care and sent it to you. Yeah. But people send it to me a lot. Yeah. And it's weird that it's like I CC'd on him. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, All of them. Oh yeah. Everything you get, I'm CC'd on all emails, all checks. Gotta change my settings. Yeah, it was, I'm, I mean, it was kind of odd when it first started happening that I was, I just rolled with it. Scott, what's your news item? My news item beat, shared one. We play the jingle. So it's time. He said Cake Boss wasn't a drunk driving. He saw a news item, a news item from three years ago. Where's mine from? The fake future. All right. Mine. Mine's war. There you go. Go ahead. From 1941. Ooh, what happened? Just that famous headline, who won war? Um, why does war happen, guys? It's been so long since there's been a war, isn't it? I mean, uh, that's not true. Well, I guess a new one. You mean I a draft one where they draft people. Oh. Oh yeah. That's true. That is true. It's been a long time. We have a lot of volunteers nowadays, huh? Yeah. Is that really why, like, cuz people are volunteering so we don't have to draft or it's not big, big enough for, uh, also I, I think because hand to hand warfare is not the rage anymore. Seems it's cut outta fashion. But they don't draft people just to be in the army. No, not in this country. No. But I know that now. But I'm saying they wouldn't if they had like some big thing. No. Well I remember back in 1990. Um, I was in college and they, and a, uh, person came to our college to talk to us about being a conscientious subjector. Mm-hmm. And just in case a draft was about to come. Yeah. Um, and there was that first, that first Gulf War, there was cons. People were concerned that they were gonna bring the draft back. Yeah. And I remember my mother saying to me, if there's a war, I hope you'll go to Canada. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I was 20. Mm-hmm. And you were pre 50. What? I was gonna go the other way. You beep. Oh yeah. No kidding. But yeah, it was, it was kind of scary there for a second. I mean, you know, yeah. We were right in that age, you know how old is too old? Like 35? They stopped taking you Or how? I, I can't recall. Oh, I don't remember what it might have been. 35 might have been the cutoff. Maybe it was a little younger. I can't even remember. But like for Vietnam? Yeah. They, they were just taking everybody. I have a friend who's a couple years older than me who remembers seeing the Vietnam War on TV and thinking like he was, he was old enough to be aware that it had gone on for a long time and he thought, oh my God, I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna have to go to Vietnam. Cuz he thought it was just like this war will never end. Yeah. That's funny. Well, I mean, it's funny. That's hilarious. It did. Uh, it's freaking hilarious. That's freaking hilarious. Do, uh, do you have any, any, Lauren do you have any family members? Family members who, uh, do you have any family, family members who are in the arm service? My grandpa. Yeah. He flew planes in World War ii, just like that. My father was in World War ii. He was in the Navy. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. My grandfather was in World War ii. My father was in the Vietnam War. Wow. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's intense. They're better men than I would you, uh, if there, I'm a good man though. If there were a draft, I'd go. Did you? I mean, ah, 100%. I sign up. It is interesting though that Paul, you and I probably grew up with, because we grew up sort of during Vietnam era. Mm-hmm. We, I remember being very fearful of it happening. Yes. You know, like, uh oh, it might happen. Yeah. And I might have to go. I remember that. It was like I was afraid of going to jail. Mm-hmm. And I was afraid of getting drafted. But Lauren, I mean, did you ever, was, was that a part of your life at all? I mean, because, no, I've never, I, it's, it's something that I've heard about, but I've never. Feared that at all or like thought or feared it for anyone else in my life. But I also was always like, I have bad vision. I would never have to do anything. Did you ever picture yourself in the armed services at all? Like just for fun? Well, like when you were thinking about like masturbatory fantasies, well put myself a little camo joke. Um, when you were thinking about like what job you would have when you grew up. I, no, no, no, no, no. I would ne I mean, for a bunch of reasons. There was an Army recruiter. No offense. I think everyone's wonderful. Oh, no. Take him. There was an army recruiter in high school who would take me out to lunch and I would string him along. Think saying, I was thinking of it because I wanted free lunches. Oh my God. And eventually after, you know, like eight lunches, he was like, look, it's shitter. Get off the pot time. Oh my God. Are you joining lunches? And you hadn't shit after any of them, and you went out to lunch in a toilet. Did you ever wanna I I of the toilet? I, I never wanted to be, but I imagined, I imagined what it was like because my, because my, my older brother joined the Navy Uhhuh to get money for college, and he was lucky that he. Was in there right before he got out before, right before we, that first Gulf War. Wow. Oh really? So, yeah. So he never got it dishonorably discharged or, yep, that's right. He was stealing ocean water. Oh, what? You can't do that. Why? He was stealing that. He would take a, a tin cup and he was scoop out some ocean water and put it in his foot locker. Is that what that movie Tin Cup is about? Yeah, it's about my brother. It's my brother's story. And the store. The Foot Locker? Yeah. And the video game. Tin Cup. What? No way. What's a Foot Locker? The Foot Locker, is it? It's a locker That would be at the foot of your bed. Yeah. And it would be like a little crate with a lock on it. It's where you, I You keep personal effects there as well as, yeah. Do you keep close your uniforms and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it's supposed to be like a cute play on words. The shoe store. Yes. Yes. Neat. Yes. But why do they wear referee outfits then? If it's, oh, because each Foot Locker had a little referee in there. Really? Like the Indian in the cupboards? Yes. To keep this clothes separated. I used to call that movie the engine in the bread box, just to be offensive. Yeah. Well, I was 15. I went to see it with my mom and it made her laugh. So, Hey, that's her. Al right? Yeah. Tell me about it. Um, spread boxes. Wait, so what would happen at these lunches? Well, he would explain what my duties would be. What was it? The Army and the Marines. It was perhaps the service, it was the army, the army. And it, it, uh, because I think the, my high school was right next to a recruitment center. Right. Um, and so yeah, he would just basically, like, he would really gloss over basic training. Like, oh, that's no big deal. And that's the, and that's the, and by, you know, in the eighties, like every Army movie was about basic training and how horrible it was. Yes. How horrible. I don't know if that's the case. I, you know, I have, all I've seen are movies that say it's horrible, but I wonder if it's like, fine now, and you just, there's no way it's good. No, it's gotta be really hard. Is that the whole point that they're showing you, like how hard you can push your body and Well, they're, yeah. And they're trying to break you down to where you don't question things anymore. You're, you're not, like, you don't really have an individuality. I think I, I mean maybe that's just, maybe I'm just getting that from movies. I don't know. Well, I think it is, it is about, I think, conditioning you to be a unit, you know? Mm-hmm. Because they, you're not. I mean, I don't believe that it's supposed to be about individualism in the army, right? Yeah. But, uh, and, and also you're not supposed to be the type of person who, if someone gives an order, you're like, well, what if I'm okay? That's good, but what if we, you know, you're just supposed to follow, I. Yeah. What if we did it in oh 900 hours? Could I just snooze a little longer? All the running. Can you imagine like having a run? I mean, no. It would be so hard. I mean, it's very impressive pulling, like just doing pull-ups. I Did you ever take the presidential fitness? Oh, test. I did not. We have tot Did you abstain or I don't, yeah, I was conscientious objector. I don't know why we didn't at my school, but I don't remember taking that at all. What if that how you became president? Well, we wouldn't have our current, you disqualified if you didn't take the fitness test, did you not take it or was it not a thing or, but it was, why is it called presidential? I guess because the president made it an issue of like every school child should be, should have a basic level of fitness. I can't remember who instituted that, but it was like, it must have been. At least Carter, because I remember taking a, uh, eBay. Don't you? We did, we did something at least like that. If it wasn't that, but it was like we had to do the sit and reach where you like, did you do that? Where it was like, no, what's that for? What a long LBJ guys. Lbj. Lbj. Wow. How long? Ruler on like a, a really long couple rulers connected or something on top of a milk crate. Maybe that's just my cheap school. And then you'd put your feet against the milk crate, like it's just a pile of gold at other schools. And there were maybe like a real ruler that's made to be the length of the thing. Mm-hmm. But you would like then what? Like a 14 inch ruler, like, Hey, we're making these special just for this fitness. That ruler, the rule was like, ok, the yard stick probably. And then you had to like l put your feet against the milk crate and it went past the edge of the milk crate, and you would lean forward with your hands on top of each other and try to press the furthest number you could. And then that was your score. So if you get, like I got like as far as I could, I could reach. 60 inches or something. That's not accurate. I could reach 69, usually hair, and then we had to do like the hang or the pull pull-ups. Mm-hmm. Or either. Yeah, I was really good at hanging. I could hang for a really long time. I, you were supposed to do overhand pull-ups, but I could only do underhand and maybe one at that, you know, and that I, for some reason, I've just never been able to do pull-ups. Did you have to climb rope in your gym? You know what, I was forced to take gymnastics when I was, uh, 10 and 11 or so by my parents. Uh, because when I, okay, so here I grew up. No, the end, that's it. Um, when I was six, seven, and eight, I, uh, Was in baseball, was in Little League. Did you guys ever do Little League or? My brother did. I did baseball at my school. Okay. In eighth grade. So, but this was like during the, the, uh, you know, afternoons and evening games and stuff like that. Nighttime, night sleep, sleep time, um, good Night. Moon. The dark of night. The dark Night Rises. Um, So I, for three years in a row, I was forced to, and this is my recollection of it, I was forced to play baseball little league, uh, and my coaches would always yell at me and the, the team hated me. Mm-hmm. And I couldn't bat for shit. And, uh, at one point, uh, uh, I was always made to play right field. Mm-hmm. Because that's where no balls. Me too. That's right. And at one point someone hit a fly ball and it hit me right in the nuts. Oh my God. And then you won 10 grand and America's gonna come. I wish I got the last laugh. So, So I, I remember I, and there were so many afternoons where I was crying and crying and saying, I don't want to go. I don't wanna go. And they forced me to go. And so then after my third year, I was just like, I can't do it. I don't want to do it anymore. Please don't make me go. And they said, okay, well you have to take gymnastics then, or you have to do something else first. It was soccer, something else you get made fun of for. Yeah. And, and I could never So something harder then. You don't like that? Yeah. Go flip around on small beams in a unitard. So here's what, here's what actually happened. And they didn't tell me this until I was 20 maybe, uh, when I went, you stopped having your cycle. When I went into kindergarten, they did. I guess the kindergarten, uh, equivalent of the presidential test, but they just were trying the vice presidential for this. They were just trying to figure out your basic level of fitness, and I couldn't, I guess I, I could not hop on one foot. I was so uncoordinated that they were like, you need to get him involved in some sort of like physical activity. And so they put me into these things, but they never told me it was because of that. They, they just, oh, yeah. That would've helped you. They were just saying like, you have to do this, and they never gave me a reason. Wow. Yeah. So I took, I took gymnastics, um, from 10 until 12 or something like that, and I was forced to go to a, I couldn't just go to a regular gymnastics place. I was forced to go to a Christian gym gymnasium, what called Athletes in Action. I remember. And it was where you would do, I don't know, you'd do an hour of gymnastics and then after 55 minutes they would go, okay, chalk talk, and then you would. Sit there and they would take out chalk and like, I guess sort of draw a Bible study or whatever. What? Yeah, like chalk from the gymnastics. Like your hand chalk. Yeah, hand chalk. Yeah. Yeah. Chalk talk. Chalk talk. Yeah. So I was really, that's the name of this show, right? Yeah. Chalk talk. Look it up. I learned that lesson The hard Way. Way. Chalk. Chalk. Look it up. Chalk talk. Look it up. Chalk talk. Look it up. Chalk talk. Um, um, but yeah, so I got, I got, uh, I was really bad at it of course. And uh, the only thing I was good at was I was incredible at climbing a rope. And I used because I have really long legs and I could use them. I basically couldn't, I couldn't pull up. Do show, come here, show. Look at these getaways he's wearing Tit stockings. Tit stockings. I'm wearing tit stockings right now. Is that your, what you call bras? Tit. Sucking. Just put knee highs on your droopy knee highs. Oh, my tits are drooping. Hell's knee highs pass me my tit shots. Yeah. I could propel myself up the rope. So yes, I did climb a rope to answer your question. Wow. Geez. What day is it? Uh, did, did they have the rope in your school, Lauren? I could not climb that shit. I've never seen it. I, oh, we had it hanging. I, I only have seen it in movies. We had a hanging, like a big rope hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, yeah. Pull it up to the side. So if you wanna play basketball and they let it down, I was always, Terrified when it came down because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. There were three ropes singing. That's insane. And they'd be like, everyone has to sit in a line. You line up behind the rope and everyone divides and you would just wait and watch each other. Climb it or just hang there. I was up like, it's really strange if you fall, that's danger. There was nothing there. Right? There was, yeah. Thin blue mat under it and I ridiculous. I only got up, honestly, I'd like just pull my hands up as far as I could and I'd like go hop and then I'd be done about 60 inches or so. About 69. I'd 69. The rope. I dunno. You know what I, what I loved though, on days when we had, do you ever got, do you guys have scooter days where you'd have these little like. Um, it was a little plastic thing with handles on the side and four wheels on the bottom. Mm-hmm. And it was just like a teeny little thing. And you just run around with them, like your ass and the hair and your, your like hands down what your ass, your, like, you'd, like I said, the ass and the hair, like it was a fable. You'd be like this. Oh, I get, oh, okay. That sounds, but you're small so you're not like, it's not that weird. And it was so funny. We'd race around and then one time I was racing someone around the perimeter. Of the gym. And then he cut me off and I roll. I like ran straight into the wall and I was in like fourth grade or something. Mm-hmm. And my glasses went straight into my head. Ooh. Like they cut my head like I have glasses in my head. Sorry. Really? Continue on. I have been afraid of that my whole life. Oh my God. It was so horrible. I like rammed in my head into the wall and my glasses were like askew and pushed into my face and then I had blood dripping down my face and I'd go to the nurse and she was this old. Woman with like really big lips. And she was like, you might, she, I remember she told my mom like 10 times, she was like, she might want stitches for cosmetic reasons. And I kept being like, what does that mean? Like, I didn't get it. Did you get No, I have a little scar. Do you have scar? A little scar? Yeah. Um, so my glasses, sorry. I see it. Hey, it's just you look like dj. Goddammit, you look like if DJ Quals played Freddy Krueger. Okay. Oh my God, that's too fucking for the record. He's a handsome boy. Freddy Krueger. No, I feel like, I feel like I've talked about DJ Quals more in the past year than like anyone else. You probably will get to Meat. Hollywood has, I'm kidding. Dj. He was on, um, the, the, I dunno, what show is it? Um, with that kid who reads, speaks to the Dead 60 Minutes? No, uh, Tyler or something? Tyler Perry's house. Matta's House of Past Lives. Um, he was on that speaking to someone who passed away. But anyway, please tell me your story of your glasses. Impaling you please. Glasses the head story. I was 10 years old. Uh, prime gymnastics time. Oh, I don't know. Could you do a cartwheel? I was, I actually was, uh, everyone at our, uh, gymnasium was encouraged to do a cartwheel Aon for charity. Um, as many as you could do as many. And people would, people would sign up, uh, you know, and say, I'll, I'll pledge, you know, a penny per cartwheel or 5 cents per cartwheel or whatever. Oh, fuck you. A penny. A penny. Well, I mean, considering, what do you wanna do? A thousand? Well, uh, I mean, first of all, this is like 1980 and so, so pennies were worth a lot. They were worth a lot more. They actually, like, it's not bad. You could buy shit for a penny, basically. Pennies were a dollar, dollar was $5. Pennies were not a dollar. But, um, yeah. Right. But by the way, it was, it was, how many can you do within, I think 20 minutes or a half hour or something like that? Um, and I ended up. I did more than anyone expected because everyone knew I was like an uncoordinated dork, you know? But I did, uh, say I did 150. Right. You know? And so for, you know, a 10 year old, that's a lot. That's a lot of car wheels, you know, a dollar 50 I one. I've never done one in my entire life. Yeah. So Roff. Uh, nope. Hmm. I have a fear of diving forward into the unknown. So when I got to school and I told everyone how many I did ever, all the kids were kind of mad because they had to pay so much money and they're like, ah, okay. Who knew I would do 150? And so then, oh, so you paid per kid. For every, everyone pledged to, it's like I, there was adults pledging, oh, well it was some adults, but it was also kids. You would go around and say, Hey, would you sponsor me in this thing? Right. Why would the kids do that? That's, you know, ridiculous. They're piggy bank money, but then like, so, so, so if like collectively the school did like 5,000 and you had pledged a dollar, you owe $5,000, no one would ever do that? No. No. They pe. No, every person pledged a certain amount per cartwheel that you did, and they would pay per person. So like they would not just do for as many cartwheels as the school does. It was like, I'll sponsor Scott only and I'll give a penny. Well, I was the only one in this gymnastics thing. Okay. So I came to school. I came to school and I was like, Hey, do you mind sponsoring me for this? God, was this your idea? Hey, gimme a penny for Cartwheel. I do. I ed at one 50. But anyway, I couldn't do cartwheels all that well. I was really shaky on 'em. I basically would just like, kind of like flop my body over. And so, so at re at, that's falling down during PE at one point. Everyone was like, Hey, show us how you do a cartwheel because you're so fucking good at 'em. Damn, everyone hated you. And I did 'em. And they were like, you can't even those, that's not even good form for these cartwheel. You can't even like get your legs up like completely over your head. My God. Yeah. And then do you hit your glasses? Okay, so the glasses story, I was 10. I was 10 years old. How did we end up talking about the cartwheel? You asked about it. I dunno how you said, can you do a cartwheel? Kevin? Kevin read back the minutes. Oh yeah, you're right. I did. Kevin's got it. So 10 years old. I'm riding my bike around. Kevin's riding every word we're saying. It's taking, he's, his hand is bleeding. Please go. It's like seven. I had just gotten mirrored sunglasses, which were in 1980. I think they were like a new thing. Uh, I. I thought mirrored sunglasses were the coolest thing. They were sucking thing fucking cool. Oh my god. Well, I'm trying to remember where I first saw them, but they were like, I don't know, maybe a movie or something, but it was like, holy shit. Yeah. It was like maybe a cool kid had like in bad news bears or, or something like that. Yeah. Had, you know, like aviators or like Yeah, like literally every other sunglasses up until 1980 or so, you could see the person's eyes Great. And it's disgusting. But these were like, holy shit humiliating. So I, I saved up my cartwheel money and I, no, I paid all that to the gym, but I bought a pair of mirrored sunglasses and they were expensive. I think they were like $3 or something like that. You're right. And uh, I bought them and I was riding my bike around by myself and I thought to myself, these are so cool. You can't see my eyes. It would be so cool to be like riding my bike with my eyes closed and everyone looking at me saying, Hey. Like obviously thinking, well, that's a kid with his eyes open and, but they wouldn't know that my eyes are closed because I have these mirrored sunglasses. Oh. So I thought, I love kid logic. I like, why are you even thinking about people? So I was like, you know what I should do, I should start at the other end of the street because my house was, was on one end of the street. Mm-hmm. I should start on one end of the street and I'll, with my eyes open, I'll count how, I'll count how long it takes me to ride my bike from here to my house. Right. And then I'll go back and I'll do it with my eyes closed. Yeah. And it'll be so awesome because these idiots, these idiots, no one will know that I, my eyes, oh, they'll, they'll be thinking to themselves, look, there's a normal kid with his eyes on, but like, it would've been cooler to have people see that your eyes were closed. Right? But no one was around by this is like, and no one, there were no one, no, there's no one here. It's a ghost town on my street. And that's why I think I felt like I was safe too, because there's no traffic or anything like that. So I, I go to one end of the street and I count down. It's like, uh, 33 seconds, right? Mm-hmm. I'm like, okay. He sounds about right. So at at 33, I'm gonna open my eyes and I'm gonna be right at my house. And so I go down to the end of the street. Oh my God. I close my eyes and I, I start pedaling and I'm like, 1, 2, 3. And then I don't remember anything. And I wake up in a neighbor's house and in their house. In their house. I wake up in their house and they've dragged me. Into their house and I have, uh, ridden my bicycle into a car and a parked car. A parked car. Yeah. And, uh, my glasses, my new mirrored sunglasses have smashed into my face and my entire face is bloody. That's like horrifying. Yeah. They're, and they're like, and it's my next door neighbor. And they're, I never, you almost got home. I've never been in their house so close before. So close. I've never been in their house before. This is the only time they've, I've ever been allowed into their house. They never let me in there for, some never invited me or my parents. Do they have kids? Uh, yeah. Yeah. My like one year older than me. Yep. Well I had, I had a neighbor like that too. Yep. And the, my other, I was a neighbor like that. My other neighbors had kids the exact same age as those neighbors and they were the best of friends and they, and they, wow. They would make fun of me as I was walking to school. My God. That's brutal. So Scott? Yeah, this is like, so I, a lot of sad tales in a row. They take me to the hospital and I, I are logging, I get stitches for cosmetic reasons and so for cosmetic reasons, six months. I have a fucked up face with stitches when I'm 10 years old. Oh my god. Six months. And everyone just makes fun of me the same way that I did to you. Frankenstein, did they call Frankenstein? Wait, Al Frankenstein. Frankenstein. Love that. That mean mean jab from Trump. Um, you reminded me of two stories. One is that this new girl had moved to my school, um, and she moved to like my neighborhood. And, um, my friend and I went to go hang out with her one day and we went to her backyard to play and she wanted to play Blind Man's Bluff. And I think it was the, my other friend wanted to play Blind Man's Bluff, which I had point, I thought that was called Blind Man's Buff because the Blind Man's naked. Yeah. That's how we played it. Okay. That makes sense. Um, I can't remember what that game is. So it's, I think what it is, is that it's like, kind of like Marco Polo on Land, which is some kids were playing that the other day when I was staying at a hotel and they were playing in the pool. That is a dangerous game. It doesn't make any sense. Is it crazy or Marco Polo? Well, especially with like kids running around. At the pool and everyone's closing their eyes and they're, my first concussion I think was from running a side of the pool, my first concussion. And then you played in the NFL for seven years. I've had I think two concussions. Um, but this was, so this blind man's bluff we are playing. So basically the new girl was gonna be the blind man. She closed her eyes. We run around and she has to find us by the sound of her voice and run with her eyes closed. You have to like tag someone, right? Yeah. Yeah. And it was fun for about eight seconds. Then she ran full steam into a tree, like a big tree and her nose just like exploded a lot. It was insane. And then her nanny came out, which I had never known anyone to have one before. Yeah, it was Fran Drescher. And so that was insane. But then my other story that I thought, you doing a goat or were you doing Fran Drescher. Was francher. Ok. My other story I thought about your story reminded me of is that I went to Disney World when I was uh, five with my family. It was our big trip. My mom had like saved up a lot of money to do this and. My mom, my grandma, my aunt and my dad and my brother were there. And so my mom, my grandma and my aunt went, did something that women would want to do, I guess. And my dad took me and my brother, like they went to the bathroom. Yeah. Well it was at nighttime. They, they went out or something and my dad took me and my brother to see ladybugs. The movie with Rodney Danger? Yeah. Oh, okay. And we got there. And women would not want to do. No, this is a real man's thing. I think my dad was letting us do something that was for the kids, but we went in the theater. I remember that. And then I, I woke up in bed, um, and that's all I, I saw four minutes of the movie. Then I woke up in bed and was like, next to, I thought was my brother who was snoring. And I was like, shut up, shut up, shut up. And it was my grandma and I was in bed with my grandma. I didn't know what, what had happened at all. And it turns out I had gone to the bathroom by myself. Cause my dad didn't, he didn't understand that he could just take me in the men's room and like watch and make sure that I was okay. Cause I was five. Right. And then he let me go to the women's room and I slipped on a, on a wet floor. Oh. And hit my head and was like, completely. Unconscious for like five minutes into ladybugs. I, I guess I went to the bathroom. How did your dad like the end of ladybugs? He loved the film. Um, it's his favorite film. Uh, knowing that some woman came out and like found my dad somehow and then like I, they took me home and put me in bed Pro, I mean, there've been multiple times. Shouldn't have taken you to the hospital. Yeah. There have been multiple times where I was put in bed with a head injury. Um, uh, really the one where I fell by the pool, I was taken to the hospital and I was throwing up. I clearly had a concussion and like got a CAT scan or whatever. And that's when they said she has two marks on her head, on her brain. Like this is her second, she's two marks on her brain. And my mom was like, I dunno what you're talking about. And then a couple years ago we pieced together that story and I was like, at Disney World I probably had a concussion. Oh, did the cops ever come to your house? No, actually, yes. What? I made friends with a cop at one point. Not to keep being friends with a telling friends with. Tell you what, why don't we take a break though? Okay. Let's take a break and I wanna hear just Friends with a cop. Uh, we're, I don't know the name of this show that you're listening to, but it'll be right back. This welcome back we're here. It's, uh, Lauren Paul Scott, and it's the same show you've been listening to. And right before the break, Lauren was gonna tell us a story about a cop that she befriended. Yes. I got into multiple, it's really, I don't have to get into all the details, but I got into multiple car accidents. Let's get all them dets. Well, first of all, before you get the cop story, how many concussions? Lifetime. I would say too, um, there's a possibility for a third where I was jumping on the bed and hit my head on my radiator, and then my dad pushed my head together with a towel while I was bleeding. And then I went to sleep. I have one. I not, not to interrupt your cop, sorry. But it's, he just held it. What? But it's reminding me of, of a head injury that I had. I, we were over at my great aunt's house. What fuck is happening you guys kids. Side, side note. Did I charm life? I guess zero head injury. Side note, Katie Dippel once said that she had a, a concussion. She was not funny before the concussion then got funny. Really? Wow. And I, I kind of, I'm like, maybe that happened to me. Cause got, that's interesting. Those two marks on my brain are the comedy marks. It's where I lost all sense of reality. I remembering that I did have one head injury mm-hmm. In high school. But there it was, it was untreated, but I don't, gee. Okay. Well I, I was, it was after a. It was my freshman year of high school. It was after doing a show we did, uh, Oliver. And so me and my, uh, who were you? Bill Sykes? No, I was a freshman. So there was no, no leads for me. No, no, no. I did have a featured line. I was, what was that? What do remember the pub landlord? I used to remember the whole thing, but it was like a little speech that I got to give mm-hmm. Before this, before the great song that everyone loves, um, papapa. Oh God. Um, papapa. And so, um, after, after the show, my friend Rick and I, um, Rick, the Dick Scott, he was my friend. He was kind of a dick though. Oh no. I'm not saying he was a dick. He just had a big rick chick. He had a big dick. He was not a chick. That's all I got. So we did this, we tried to do this thing that the, we saw the dancers in the show do, which is where we're standing back to back, we link arms and then one of us flips over the other one. Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we. Had never done this. No training. No. Weren't in instructed by a choreographer. Well, we saw it. So he tried it and I tried to flip over his back, and then we both just fell and we both landed on the tops of our hips. Oh my God. And it was like, I can still feel like the impact. Yes. It was so fucking can feel it. It was like, it was so, it was like a direct hit just on this concrete floor. Oh my God. And then we, we slowly like got up, we're like, I don't feel anything like that. Didn't hurt. Oh. And then people, I remember people looking at us like, that didn't hurt. You should, uh, not fall asleep. Like you should stay awake. And then we did, we just stayed awake the whole night. We like went out. We went to Howard Johnson's and I know that that's part of it, but why, what does it prove by you staying awake Or like what does it stop from happening or? Well, if you go to sleep, then you can just go into dreamy time. Bye-bye and die forever. But why? I don't know, because the dream lord comes and gets it. Like if you have a concussion up to me now, if you have a concussion, but you stay awake long enough, it goes away. Yeah, I guess so. I, I always thought it was to see if you had a concussion. I don't know. I don't know why. I know, I know, I know. Well, that's fine. Don't tell us. Well wait. So, so what we, well, my story with my head injury was, uh, uh, we were at my great aunt's house, um, which was in downtown la I remember. And uh, I love it because she, century Boulevard, we love it. Sixth Street, we love it. Love. That's a monster at the end. But because he was in Down's, how Randy Newman sounds over because he was in downtown, it was a. I guess more, uh, uh, an area more prone to theft. So she had bars on her, the windows of her apartment. Sure. Uh, and they were, I remember they were white. Her apartment was brick, thank God. Uh, and they, they were, they were iron and they were white and they were, they had like the points at the bottom and the top. Oh yeah. Right. So, uh, my brother and I were, were having a rubber band fight where we were like going, the most normal thing you've talked about where we were just, you know, like, you know, you pull back a rough, a rubber band, so you shoot, you shoot rubber bands each other. Yeah. You shoot rubber bands each other. So we were having a rubber band fight while my parents. Now that I am remembering it, she, my great-aunt was not there, so it may have been she had just passed away. I can't remember. Yes, because I, I believe my parents were packing up her stuff. So either they, either she had passed away or were they robbing her? The perfect, they were passing it up into dollar side labeled pillow cases. They may have been moving her to the home where she ended up. That's probably what it was. Um, so we were in, I'm glad some Bleakness got in there, my brother and I having a, a rubber band fight. And, uh, I shot mine and I went to go retrieve it underneath her window and I stood up really suddenly and the, uh, the iron. Pointy bar went into my head, shit, and I, I, my brother was like, Hey, come on, keep going. I was like, I don't feel well. And I went in and I sat down and I remember like feeling my head going, ah. And then I looked at my hand and it was covered with blood. And I was like, and it's weird how your body though, like kind of shuts down. Like you didn't think anything was really wrong and you were like, this hurts a little. And it's like, obviously, yeah. So I told, I, I think my, my father was going to McDonald's at the time for, for burgers. And so I was like, mom, this happened Whaty. So I showed my mom and she, she was like, oh no, and I expected when something like that happens, I expect you go to the hospital right away. Yeah. And she was like, well, your dad's coming back with McDonald's, so you know, wait, here, put, put this pressure on it. I guess. So I like, we waited for him and then I remember they were, my dad got back and was kind of like, well, we should eat first because we have. So, and I remember I got my burger, a packet with fries, the whole, and I had asked for no ketchup and there was ketchup on the burger and I was upset, but was it blood? But I remember just thinking like, you won't even take me to the hospital and now I have to eat this burger with ketchup all over it. Yeah, that sucks. Take. But yeah, I had, uh, three, only three stitches, I think from that. Oh my God. Yeah. When I think about the one time that I hit my head on the radiator, um, I had a babysitter over and I was bouncing on the bed with my brother and bbu. I just flopped right off onto the radiator and slammed my head. Ah. And then my dad came home right as that happened. So the babysitter was like, yeah, I got it. Got, you know, it was like a whole thing. And then he just put pressure on it and then went to sleep. Oh. Um, but I'm guessing it must have been a small, it might have just been a small, maybe a small neck. Okay. Like, I mean, I'm sure he, he knows, right? I mean, I don't know. Um, oof. Goof. Yeah. Very weird. So tell us about this cop. Oh yeah. Well, okay. I had multiple, um, car accidents in high school. Uh, how many? Two. Two. Oh. But this then, so. The first time I was just driving around aimlessly with my friend Natalie, who's my best friend to this day. And we would always just drive around and listen to music. Like once we had the ability to drive. Mm-hmm. So I was the along with the car and we would just like drive around. It was 4th of July or it was the 3rd of July, but my town does fireworks on the third as well. And But you think it was the 4th of July? Yeah, I think it was a fourth of, I don't even know what song I was singing Saturday. Yes, that's right. Um, and why would he. Wonder if it was the 4th of July. That's the, he's in the park. It couldn't be more clear. It's his day off. I think it, obviously, that's why he went to the park. I think it was Gruber, Dave Gruber Allen, who said maybe the most unpatriotic song of all time. I, I think it was the 4th of July. I don don't care. It was a, the third and the fifth. Um, but anyways, I ran a stop sign. There was a big bush to the left, and I didn't see that there was a car at the other stop sign. So I thought I was safe and just went. And this other person was going, thank you. And I crashed into the back, right behind the passenger door, and it spun around. Wait, so they, they t-boned you or I t-boned them. Oh, I see. So they were, so they were, they went through the stop sign sign first. Yeah. And you went, but I wasn't expecting it. Got it. And they spun around and then it was an old man and a woman. And the. The woman had spilled her fruit salad all over the man's lap. And he was also, he was very kind at the same time. My homeroom teacher. Sure. It wasn't come. Yeah, they tried. He up and he was jerking her off. Could say it, fruit salad. Um, then my homeroom teacher ran out of a, from behind a, a house where he was at a picnic and what he heard the crash and then saw it was me. Whoa. And he said, my dad's a lawyer and he is coming right behind me. Don't say anything. And like, what? The homeroom teacher said that? Yeah. My dad's a lawyer. Yeah. And he was at the picnic too, so. Oh, okay. He, the dad walked up and then they, anyway, the cop that came there, I met for the first time, this really nice cop. And so that all happened, it was horrible. I got in a lot of trouble. I couldn't go out for the 4th of July and it cost $3,000 to fix the car and I, mm. Ooh. I just, I hate, I felt so bad. You blew it off that. Yeah. I mean, I didn't pay it and I didn't have any money then. Um, In a couple weeks. So after I got the car back, like my car had basically become like totally smooshed it in the front. Then when I got it back and it was like right smosh in the front party in the back. Yeah. That's how I described my body. Right. My dad also had just given me his old car and like said, you can have it officially. It was like a whole thing. And then I, I of course ruined it and then like a couple What kinda was yours though? Yeah, true. It was mine to bring, you can do whatever you want with what kinda car was. It was a Jeep Cherokee. Ooh. And then I got the car back finally, and I was driving again with, with Natalie and someone ran a stop sign and hit me. Oh. And so I, I tried telling that though to I know. Well then I was crying a lot and the woman was like, stop crying. It's not that big of a deal. And I was like, but you don't understand. I just got my car fixed and I tell you and I'm 16 and whatever. And then the same cop showed up. Whoa. And he's like, Lauren, and like that we had like a thing. Wait, he remembered your name or did he? I'm sorry. He had, but he was like, it's you again. Right, right. And then that we had that whole thing and like that was like kind of funny, but also like horrible for me. Mm-hmm. And then, Like a month later, my dad was outta town and my mom and my mom heard something in the basement and she came to my room and she was like, there's something in the basement. I'm so scared. And I was like, go to bed. Like I had no sympathy. I stopped crying, go to bed, upset. I was like, just leave me alone. Just go to your room. Like I was like, really not sympathetic, quiet old woman. And she's like, maybe it's an animal, I don't know. And then she called the police. Hmm. And that guy showed up, up, I showed up. Oh boy. And then he was like, oh my God, it's you again. And I was like, she thinks there's something in the basement. He gave me his trading card, which I guess a lot of police officers have. I beg your pardon? His trading, his top trading was like a baseball card for cops. Yeah. That's interesting. I never heard of that. It's cool. Was neat. And he had all his like stats on the back, like his, like family. Like what? Like how many muggers he arrested or? No, it'd be like how many kids he has and like what he is interested in and like whatever. What I've never heard of this. I like it. I mean, that's really cool. Um, did you ever, I'm sorry. Did you ever see another one of these ever in your life? No, but I've never gotten that intimate with a cop. It was my third time meeting. Maybe they only give it to you on the third time. Third time. Like third time I meet someone, I'm gonna give my, maybe they, they have to, maybe if you made, collect, collect all five, here you go. Collect 'em all. You've earned my card. That's in, I mean, it, it had the effect that it was supposed to have on you where you don't fear the police anymore and you're not like frightened by them. Yeah, no, it was just like funny. I was like, oh God, I can't believe this. I had an experience with a cop. Where is that all you have to say about the cop? Is that the only time you ever saw him? Okay. Those three times then I never saw him again. Never saw him again. I don't You saw have the card probably somewhere. I, his name, everything. You, um, I think his name is Larry, but I can't, I'm not positive about that. I'd have to, I'd have to look through my files. I wonder where he is now. Me too. Hopefully still patrolling Evanston. Mm-hmm. Um, I had a weird experience with a, uh, there, there was, when I was that age, actually, I was 17. Uh, I was driving around by myself and I had an experience where all of the cops in, where I grew up were, it's a private town, you know? Mm-hmm. So it's like they, there are a lot of them and they're constantly patrolling and constantly, you know, pulling people over. So I had, but they're cops. They're not like security. No. They're cops. They're cops. But, but it's like, it is like Burbank, where, you know, it's a private town and they have their own police force. I don't know if they have a weird rule in Burbank that I just learned that, um, you can't put on a drag show in a public established establishment. Really? And there's a, like a law. I just saw the whole thing on Twitter about it. Interesting. Did somebody get in trouble for having a drag queen? Yeah. The show was canceled and then, um, Daniel Franze, you would think that would be, was tweeting about it and being like, we have to like make a change. You think that would be one of those things where they're like, oh, there's this antiquated law, but no one ever forces it. Right. It sounds like some old fashioned thing that Yeah, but I guess strange somehow. It wasn't. Do you think it was a rival drag queen? It was like, oh, shut them down. Sounds like a movie. Movie. Cut this part out. Cut this part out. Cut this part out. This for later. We'll write this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so there was a period of time where I was constantly being pulled over for various things and um, and I found out once later by a different cop that the reason I was constantly being pulled over is cuz I had a lot of stickers on my car. Did I tell you about this? And one of them was a, had the Jamaican flag and was like, one love. And. And, oh, people think you're a hippie then pot smoker. People think that I was a pot smoke. They were like, they were like, where's all your pot? And I was like, I don't, where's all your pot? I was like, I don't smoke pot. He's like, why do you have that sticker on the back of your car? And so I took off. I'm Jamaican. That's really funny. Yeah. But, um, I was, how dare you, my heritage. So I, I, I was 17 and I was in a. I, a couple of things happened. I was in a band in high school and I pretty cool, pretty cool. I also had a girlfriend where I, whoa, whoa, boy. Whoa. Where I, its really turned around for you. This is old Scarface Cartwheel. Um, so are you the kid that got the mirror sunglasses embedded in his face? No. The question is, are you the kid who rode his bike with his eyes closed, but nobody knew. So cool. Yeah. That would've cool. Nobody knew that he was doing it. Yeah. Did you ever explain, like, they're like, didn't you see the car? And you were like, I had my eyes closed. No, I never talked about the logic of why it happened. Yeah. I just said that that was, you suddenly realized, it made no sense. There. There are, there are two things in my life that I never brought up the logic of, of why that were like deep, dark secrets. Uh, that I think years later I finally admitted there was that one, and then there was the time, there was the time that I woke up and didn't want to go to school and took a red marking pen and drew dots all over, all over my face. Like I had the measles and then forgot I did it. And when my mom asked me what was on my face, I didn't know what she was talking about. And that sold it so well because it was a genuine like, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. That she just forgot. She was like, we need to take you to a doctor. And we went to a doctor and the doctor looked at me and took out a scrub brush and some soap and washed it off. Oh my God. And then you couldn't explain why it was on your face. And there, and, and my mom was like, did you do this? Did you do this? And I totally sold my brother out. I was like, I don't know. I don't know what. And so my brother got blamed for it for years, for like sneaking into my, my god room and drawing on my face, which, and he must have protested his innocence. Yes, yes. And, and he was probably very convincing, but then everyone was like, damn, he's a good liar. Well, he was, he was the bad seed of the family. Oh. So he just like family. So they assumed that he would do it. Yeah, sure. So, and I was, I was kind of sweet and, and you know, an innocent little bit. Did you remember like on the way to the doctor what it was or? Oh yes. Yeah. Okay. As soon as they were like, look in the mirror, I was like, Uh, oh, I'm in trouble here. But you just felt like it was too silly to explain. I feel like I had moments like that as a kid where I just didn't wanna explain myself. It's like, that's embarrassing. Yeah. I knew I would be in trouble more than embarrassed. Yeah. So I just never said, so it was maybe 15 years before I brought up that it was me and Oh my God. Yeah. So anyway, so I, I had a girlfriend and I was in a band and so I, I was driving and I saw cops, you constantly seeing cops, pulled people over and I was, I was making a left hand turn in front of these cops and I was like really nervous about it and I was like, oh, I gotta drive right? Or else they're gonna pull me over. Cuz I'd been pulled over three times recently and I was so nervous. I drove over the center divider and uh, and I was like, well, maybe they didn't notice and started like trying to drive away as fast as I could. And they of course, you know, got to me, but they did this thing and, and they would, I didn't know this when I was a kid, but they say, maybe we search your car, please. Like it's an order. But you can say no. Oh, yeah. Right, right. So I didn't know that they, they would always say it like an order. So I was always like, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. I'm terrified. Yeah. So they went, you weakling They went all throughout my car and I had just gotten back from a performance. So I had, uh, a ton of guitars in there and, uh, a ton of guitars. I had, I had like four guitars, right. My gut, just every note, I had all of our equipment basically. What a great song, by the way. They're all in stands, you just go up, rain back and forth. Um, so the cop, what song is this? Just imagine it faster. So I'm sitting, I'm sitting on the curb, I'm sitting on the curb, and where's the bathroom? I'm sitting on the curb and these cops are searching my car and they come back and they have a really stern look on their face and they go, okay, we have some questions for you. Number one, where did all of that musical equipment come from? And I said, oh, I'm in a band. We just had a performance. He was like, okay, number two, do you need a lead singer? Number three, can you listen to this? That's him singing. Yeah. I was like, that fits my guitar work perfectly. So then he says, uh, number two, we found, uh, a pack of condoms in your glove compartment. So what? And it's a 12 pack. Why do you need that many condoms? Well, that's, they're just trying to embarrass you, aren't they? And I said, well, I'm in a band. And he said, my third question is, may I join your band? He's like, get outta here kid. Oh my God. Wow. Wait, why were you pulled over initially? Cause you drove over the road. Drove over. That's like insane. Yeah, I got pulled over multiple times in high school and I always cried my way out of it. I mean, I was truly terrified too, of like getting the ticket to deal with it. I have, I, I dated people who were, would say they cried to get out of it. Yeah. It's just, it's never gotten outta seen as an adult though. I've Oh my, yeah. I've, I've had people get out of it as an adult. Oh, no. Just crying. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, I, I can't make myself cry. I'm usually just like, oh, okay. Yeah. Well, what's the saddest, what's the saddest thing that's ever happened to you? Okay, here I go. Um, well look, we need to take a break when we come back. Uh, we have a, we, one of us always brings a segment and I, I brought a segment. Uh, so let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have an exciting game. We're gonna play. I didn't tell any stories. You didn't tell anything? Nope. None. No stories. Do you wanna tell anything? Well, what, what did any of those make you think of anything? Uh, I had a story about, uh, my brother getting the tip of his finger chopped off. Oh, we were getting a story about getting arrested from yours. Why are you sad from yours? Finger? Look, we what Scott, this was a moment in our family of great sadness. I can't believe we were in like that one. You were cheapen. This just said, Lauren, you're no better. Well, cause I imagine it being like a, like a Look when we come back, Paul's gonna tell his story. Please, please, please. Daddy. I don't to tell story. I love you, daddy. I just, I just thought it was funny that I, I was thinking like, oh, I have a story of this topic and then it would always be We have to take a break. Sorry. Sorry. No, it's, but we do have to take a break. How would you know? We do have to take a break, but Yes, we have to, but let's come back and hear one of these stories. All right. All right. We'll be right back with this show. Welcome back, Scott, Paul, Lauren, and, and Paul was gonna tell a story about his brother getting his finger chopped. It's my older brother. We were move. It was my brother, my father, and myself. We were moving this ridiculous piece of furniture down into the basement from the second floor of the house. What was ridiculous about the furniture? Well, it was just like this crazy cumbersome cabinet. It was like this long kkk, Hey, hold on a second. None of those words. It was, it was a triple C, so we, we must have gotten it down one flight of stairs, okay? Mm-hmm. And so now we were trying to get it down this, down the stairs to the basement. And so my brother was in the front. My dad and I were on, uh, the top brother in the front party in the back. That's how I describe my body. And so we lost, we lost hold of it. Oh God. And so it slammed against, it slammed my brother's. Hand against the wall? No. And it was just the very tip of his pinky. Like it could've been, he would've, he could've lost his hand. It would've like, crushed his hand. Oh, oh. And so it cut off and like severed the tip of his pinky. Whoa. And he was screaming and there was blood spraying. And what was he screaming? Was he like, he was screaming. Hi. Just like, just, oh, those two marks on your brain are so delightful. I know, aren't they? Oh, so he was, he was taken to the hospital and he to this day has just like a weird, um, like little nub of a fingernail growing out of that. Oh yeah. Does he have to cut it off every once in while out off the top of his finger? I don't. Do you know what? I don't know if he ever has to trim it or if it's He does. It's just probably right because it's sort of like, you know, your pinky toe. Mine has like just a little tiny toenail and it'll grow out sick. I, it's a hurry. I do remember I had this friend in middle school who had, um, Her toenail. I don't know what happened to it. It must have been something like that. Something fell on it or something. It was just black or, well, no, like it was only half down the like vertical. Oh, wow. So it was like that thin in the middle of her toe. Oh, I know. I don't like it. Tell did you make fun of No, I just was like, that's interesting. No, no, that in my head. Never forget it. That's interesting. I hate, I think I just, I don't like hate feet where I'm like, Ew, don't let feet touch me. Ever. Like, some people like really hate feet. Yes. Did you ever Google Lauren Lapkus feet? Oh, I, I'm, did you wiki feet's popping off. Y'all did it. Popping it off. We're sponsored by Wiki feet, by the way. Oh, that would be a, gotta them feet. Actually. Let's reach out to Wiki Feet. Can, if I can get some money from Wiki feet, I would be glad because its, it's the least they could do because Yeah, it's, they're been suffering, exploiting, suffer. I've for years. Disgusting. But I know what you mean. Like they're feet are, I'm not repulsed by feet. I have friends who are, but. They're not great. Yeah. I don't like to think about 'em too much. I don't really wanna like see someone's for a long period of time, because if they're clean, they've just had some sort of liquid all over 'em. Why? And so they're slimy. Slimy. Okay. Can we tell? But if they're dry, they're gross. Think about the brief window of time that your feet are clean. So small. It's so small. Yeah. I mean, I think the second my feet touched the floor, there's, it's like when you drive the car off the lot Cat or something. And even if they're, even, even if you're on a bed and you've just like, someone's just washed them. Oh yeah. And you're on the bed and you're sticking your legs up someone, someone's just washed them. You're on the bed. Somebody's just washed. Who washed your feet? I'm nevermind. Veronica, I'm missing something. Obvious Mary Magdalene. And then she dried them with her hair. Hey, this is a good segue. By the way, so serious to our, this is, it's from the scripture, and then she dried them with her hair. You said Mary Magdalene? I did. This is a good segue to our, to the segment that I brought. This is a game famous whores, number one with a bullet Lord lap kiss. Okay. Um, this is, this is, wait, wait, wait. Was she a whore? What was it? Yeah, she was prostitute. Okay. Good at worked. Yeah, she was Was she a whore? She was a sex worker. She's so Chicago, right? Was she a whore? Was she a whore? Was she a whore? What was the license plate thing? The personalized license plate that you sent to Laura? You said, I found your license plate. Oh yeah. I remember It was like something slut or something. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sexually harass you. Eh, I didn't mean to sexually harass you. Bam. Robert Potter love song. Yeah. Bam, bam, bam. All right. This is a segment. It's sort of based on a game that I played a couple of times very early in. Uh, comedy Bang Bang. But I adapted it here to actually be not anti comedy and an actual in an actual game. Okay? And this is a game. Do can, uh, one of you or both of you bring up your timer on your phone? Sure. Is that possible? Let's both do it. Um, so this is a game called Duck Mary Kiss. Ooh, duck Mary Kiss. All right. Okay. How much time? Obviously 60 seconds. Obviously based on obviously 60 seconds, obviously based on the popular expression. Fuck Mary. Kill. Oh, Scott, this is Duck Mary. Kiss. Now what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do you one by one, uh, and the other, the person who's not playing. Beg your pardon? Just spit all over the place. The person who's not playing. If you would time it, if that would, so I'll time it and, and call time. Are you gonna explain the game? Yes. You're gonna see how many you can get in 60 seconds. Okay. Okay. And I am going to read names, and you're gonna tell me if they are a famous duck. A famous Mary or Ooh, or a current or former member of Kiss. Oh, okay, great. Okay. Okay. Duck Mary, kiss duck. Mary Kiss. Do you wanna go first Lauren? Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're very excited. Okay. Yeah, I love games. Okay, so, uh, Paul, let me know when to start and then say time when it's, and go. Donald Duck. Correct. Simmons Kiss, correct. Howard, uh, duck, correct. J Blige Mary, correct. Pickford. Oh, A kiss incorrect? None. The Mary car. Um, uh, car Mary incorrect kiss. Louis Uh, duck. Correct. Ace Kiss? Correct. Poppins Mary? Correct. Bush Root Duck. Correct. Stanley Kiss? Correct. The demon kiss? Correct. Duck Wing Duck. Correct. Winstead Duck. Incorrect. Mary Stein Burgeon Mary, correct. Catman, um, um, kiss, correct. Ludwig von Drake. Uh, Mary incorrect duck. Vinny Vincent Kiss, correct. Huey do duck Correct. The UNC Warrior, uh, kiss? Correct. How many members is it? Webb Vander. Quack Time. Time, God. Okay, let's see. You got one, two. That's fun. Three, by the way, uh, the other person should be counting because now I have to remember if you Oh, okay. Okay. Uh, let's see. More work. We, you got one? Sorry to let you down. Two. No, no, no. I should have said that. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Six. Wait, wait, wait. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. My gosh. Leave all of this in. Seven, eight. Oh, you, you counted three wrong. Oh, okay. So we got, uh, lemme count how many I did one. You got eight 18. Okay. So do you have enough to keep going? I believe I do. Let me see. Okay. Yeah, I have enough. Okay. Okay. Alright, Paul, are you ready? Yes. Remember duck kiss, duck Mary, Mary kiss, kiss. All right. Let me know when And, and Ryan you can, or uh, sorry, you just Kevin over there. I'm keep, I'm keeping track of the Oh hey. I thought you were Ryan. That was weird. Um, Kevin, you can, you can say how many, uh, wrong. Okay. Okay. Okay, good. And you can pretend to be Ryan. I don't have to keep track. I think I should Do you wanna keep, isn't it easier? Cause I know, do you know how many there are? Uh, no. Yeah, I will. Yeah. Oh, okay. Sure. So just let me know how many are wrong. Okay. Here we go. So just keep time. Yeah. Set. Mm-hmm. Go McDonald Mary, correct. Launchpad duck. Correct. Spaceman, uh, kiss Correct. Gizmo Duck. Correct. Hart Mary? Correct. Daffy duck Correct. Star Child kiss? Correct. Poopy face, tomato, nose, duck. Correct. Collick. Cullick Mary incorrect Kiss. Murphy Mary, correct. Dewey Duck. Correct. The Fox Kiss, correct. Yy Doodle Duck. Correct. Singer Mary? Uh, incorrect. Kiss Murphy. Oh, I said that one freely. Uh, a kiss, correct. Thayer Thayer. Mary Incorrect Kiss. Lou Retton. How many people are I know Mary, correct. Space Ace Kiss. Correct. Flint Hart Glam Gold Duck. Correct. St. John. Mary incorrect Kiss. Jesus Wilson Mary, correct time. All right. Wow. Everyone I got wrong was kiss. How many people are in kiss? I thought there were four. Four. Former former members and current members. How many wrong? Four. Wrong. And I did 22. So you got 18, right? Whoa. Tie game. Exciting. That's fun. All right, I have one more left. Whoever says what it, whoever. Whoever says what it is first. Actually, you know what? We'll, we'll play it by playing games with Jimmy Pardo rules. Whoever buzzes in first and you buzz in by saying your name. Mm-hmm. Okay. Whoever buzzes in first will get the chance to answer, and if they are right, they win. And if they are incorrect, They, the other person wins. All ready? Mm-hmm. Here we go. That's nice that you, you don't say that one person loses that is winning. Right? That's a very positive spin. Okay, here we go. Ready? Fillmore Paul. Paul. Duck. Correct. You are the winner. God dammit. Wow. And that is, of course, duck Mary Kiss. It finally pays off that I memorized my own name. I had a hard time thinking of what to say right then. Yeah. Well that was fun. Yeah. Did you have fun? Yeah. I love games. Games. Games. The musical fruits. Games games, the musical fruit. The more you play, the more you toot. Okay. Okay. All right. We should wrap it up. Why? Yeah. I gotta go somewhere. I gotta go somewhere. I'm going to Korean spa. Are you? Mm-hmm. Oh, nice. I'm gonna Korea. Home right now. Mm-hmm. Are you really going there? Yep. For the war. Okay. I got drafted. Oh, cool. Bye bye. I'm gonna mail a Jeep back to myself. Ah, a Jeep Wrangler. Like the type Oh, like your car. Um, I had fun. I had fun. I had fun. Nice seeing you guys. Yeah. Always nice to see you guys. Um, we'll see everyone next time, right? That's right. We will on this show, which has a name and you should just read your whatever there. You know what it's called, Biden. You tell us what it's called. Seriously, tell us. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production executive, produced by Scott Ackerman, Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit earwolf.com.

Earwolf Page

https://www.earwolf.com/episode/chalk-talk/

Threeture

The gang plays Duck, Mary, Kiss.

Description

Scott reads names and Paul & Lauren have to answer if they are a famous duck, a famous Mary or a current/former member of KISS. They have 60 seconds to answer as many names as possible. Most correct answers win.

Kiss has had a total of 12 members (according to Wikipedia).

Lauren

	Name	Lauren's answer	Correct answer
1	Donald	Duck	Duck	Correct
2	Simmons	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
3	Howard	Duck	Duck	Correct
4	J. Blidge	Mary	Mary	Correct
5	Pickford	Kiss	Mary	Incorrect
6	Carr	Mary	Kiss	Incorrect
7	Louie	Duck	Duck	Correct
8	Ace	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
9	Poppins	Mary	Mary	Correct
10	Bushroot	Duck	Duck (from Darkwing Duck)	Correct
11	Stanley	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
12	The Demon	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
13	Darkwing	Duck	Duck	Correct
14	Winstead	Duck	Mary	Incorrect
15	Steenburgen	Mary	Mary	Correct
16	Cat Man	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
17	Ludwig von Drake	Mary	Duck	Incorrect
18	Vincent	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
19	Huey	Duck	Duck	Correct
20	The Ankh Warrior	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
21	Webby Vanderquack	Duck	Duck	Correct

Result: 17/21 correct but Scott counts 18.

Paul

	Name	Paul's answer	Correct answer
1	McDonald	Mary	Mary	Correct
2	Launchpad	Duck	Duck	Correct
3	Spaceman	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
4	Gizmo	Duck	Duck	Correct
5	Heart	Mary	Mary	Correct
6	Daffy	Duck	Duck	Correct
7	Star Child	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
8	Poopy-face Tomato Nose	Duck	Duck	Correct
9	Kulick	Mary	Kiss	Incorrect
10	Murphy	Mary	Mary	Correct
11	Dewey	Duck	Duck	Correct
12	The Fox	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
13	Yankee Doodle	Duck	Duck	Correct
14	Singer	Mary	Kiss	Incorrect
15	Frehley	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
16	Thayer	Mary	Kiss	Incorrect
17	Lou Retton	Mary	Mary	Correct
18	Space Ace	Kiss	Kiss	Correct
19	Flintheart Glomgold	Duck	Duck	Correct
20	St. John	Mary	Kiss	Incorrect
21	Wilson	Mary	Mary	Correct

Result: 17/21 correct but Scott again counts 18.

Tie-breaker

Fillmore. Paul calls his name first and answers "Duck" which is correct (Mallard Fillmore) and he wins the game.