Out With It!

Release date	16 May 2018
Reddit discussion	reddit
Earwolf/Stitcher page	earwolf
Episode number	8
Previous episode	Stop Making It Plural
Next episode	Christmas Find Out Who Game

"Out With It!" is episode number 8 of Threedom. It was released on Wed, 16 May 2018.

Synopsis

Scott, Paul and Lauren discuss puppets, prostitution and play Press Conference.This episode is brought to you by Brilliant Earth ( www.brilliantearth.com/THREEDOM ) and Leesa ( www.leesa.com/THREEDOM code: THREEDOM).

Episode Transcript

adding the raw software transcription, so that multiple people can help organize the text better. Alone, this would take a really long time

Episode 08 - May 16, 2018

episode title: Out With It

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Hello? Hello, hello? You look like a Pixar character. Welcome to Freedom. My name is Lauren Lapkus. My name is Paul f Tompkins. I'm Scott. Are we officially freedom now, I guess? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've got one whole episode Debating the name, which we already knew was freedom. We keep referring to it as that. Yes. It's like in the calendar. Recording calendar. If there another Freedom on podcast.com Podcast doc. That's what it should be. podcast.com. Hi everyone. Welcome to the show. Can you imagine, can you imagine that we'd be millionaires every single person, whoever. No. For our show would no podcast.com. We, yes. Start this. We get star de, um, Laura, uh, let's, uh, Laura, let's explain what the show is. Cause I think at this point should, at this point, episode eight, we should let people know if they're just this, if they're starting with this episode. Mm-hmm. Should, mm-hmm. I, I'm Paul. This is Lauren. This is Scott. We're friends. Uhhuh, we, we, we li we work together a lot and we hang out together a lot. Is that enough information for you out there? Well, in case it's not, here's a little more Okay. Out wit we outplay outlast. Out with it. Out with it. What if that was the fourth single thing on Survivor Out with it. Out with it. You have to tell a secret. Every single person has to tell their deepest, darkest secret. No, that's right. Before they're handed a check for a million dollars. Or just an embarrassing secret. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like one time I wet my pants in my car. In my car. You did. And that sounds true. That sounds true. Uh, you know what? I probably have, I've thought about it. Wait, you've thought about it? Well, like time, the bathroom, I just left bathroom really bad. I'm just like, what am I gonna do? I think on a trip to Vegas, there was, you know, in that big stretch of desert where there's nothing, there was, you know, you can just pull off like who gives a shit. Yeah. But, but I, but I think there was one time easier for us, Scott, than it is for Lauren. That's true. It's true. I remember, um, when I was in Girl Scout camp, well, I went there one time, two minutes later. Girl Scout camp. Did you hear the, uh, original demo? No, just came out anyway. Go ahead. Uh, well I was in Girl Scouts and we went differently camping for one weekend in cabins. I don't know what the situation was, but I, um, sounds to go pee, like normal camp situation. Well, I had to go pee. I'd rather go to Girl Scout glam Me too. I no pee outside for some reason. That's what it was making me feel like. I don't remember all the details about this. Like why was I pee over? Was, was the that house like outside or what there was I No, I was peeing over a, like a log uhhuh and I, I remember I peed like all and a frog all over my sweat pants jumped, jumped up Cause I had no sense of like angles. Oh. Cause I was like 10 and I had never done that before. Was that the first time you figured out like where your pee goes? Yeah. I was like, no, I'm gonna inspect my vagina. What? I got my dental mirror out. No. I was like, oh no. And then I just didn't tell anyone. It probably smelled like pee for the rest of the day. Did you like hide them? Hide them under the bed or, I don't remember that, but I, wait, did I tell you the story before? Cause I was just thinking about this the other day. I, speaking of hiding things I had gotten. That same year when I was in fifth grade, I got like all of these books about angels out of the library because I was very curious about them. Sure. And I believed in them. And then the books started to scare me so much that I hid all the books in my closet. Whoa. And like didn't return them for a long time. And then I was really worried about the fees. It was like turned into like a whole thing. So you were scared of, of the possibility of angels. I don't like that you glossed over that you believed in them. I was very curious about them cause I believed in them and uh, I had such a belief in them. I wanted to learn more than I learned too much. I felt so scared. What did, do you remember what it was that you learned that made me, I just felt like it was too real. Like it was almost like ghosts or something. Like, it just felt like really scary. That was a weird, there was a weird period in this country where people talked about angels a lot. Show I feel like, why was I getting new books about them? Torched by an angel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just like Dr. Angel. What am I thinking? Yeah. Dr. Angel Medicine. Angel Medicine. Angel. Angels really are The angel medicine medicine angel. Angel angels really are the ghosts of the sky. Well, there was highway to heaven. I've always said that. Where there was an angel? Yeah. With Michael. Uh, Michael Landon. Oh, and there was Michael, the movie about an angel. Oh yeah. Right. He was like a s slob angel. Yeah. He was nasty. Did he go up against the snob Angel? Yeah. S Slob versus snob Gabriel. Yep. Gabriel the Snubbies angel. Um, so you, it just, it just was something where it's like, oh shit, they're real and they're all around, they're watching me. But I would hide things often like that I didn't wanna deal with. Right. Like I had like a sandwich that I didn't eat and then I put it in my closet and then it was, and smelled green dust by the time, like, it had just been like so molded over. Wow. And it was just you, you didn't want a ticket to the kitchen or you I couldn't like tell him that I didn't eat it in my lunch or something. And so I just, cause I'm So You were hiding, you were hiding the process of eating it? Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Just, and then did you forget about it? Yeah, and then I found it and then I was like, oh no, it was it in a baggie. Yeah. But it was just the most disgusting thing. W were there worms and stuff? It was just a peanut butter sandwich, so it was really just like covered in moss. Oh wow. For months of being in the closet. It just, and I also thought that my, uh, dead great-grandfather was in there a lot of times in the closet. Yeah, I remember that. That's why you used to put the sandwich in there. It was all just all scary things. He's this old man I like would be in bed and just, I, if my door was open a crack, I just felt like I could see him in there. Cause it was the only dead body I had seen. Oh, seen. Oh Jesus. You saw his dead body? Yeah. Did you kill him? Yeah. Uh, yeah. No, I was like four when he died. And so then I was the first like funeral that I remember going to. Right. And then, so I remember seeing his body and then, and my family took photos, you know, like mm-hmm. That was a thing. I don't know. They took Is that, is that proper, that that used to be common practice? We took photos at every funeral to send to our Greek relatives. Oh, okay. Um, which is very weird. Interest. Interest was I stand by the grave and be like, do I smile? Is this I, I, I met somebody recently who was a friend of a friend. We were at, we were all at dinner together and the person had to tell the waiter, I am deathly allergic to olives, which I'd never heard before. Was it Popeye? He got divorced. Like, don't even bring one of those. He's like, don't even, don't, don't even bring her up. I feel you. Sure. Popeyes. Yeah, exactly. We have a lot of conversations to do. Your famous impression. But she, so she, like, she can eat olive oil. Okay. But she can't, she can't touch like the outside of an olive or. And so she, she was ordering, um, uh, a glass of wine and she said, could you please tell the, she Lauren's sneaking a bite. By the way. She, she, she apologized. She said, I'm, I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, because I know it's very annoying, but could you please ask the bartender to wash his hands before pouring the wine if he's handled any olives? Right. And, um, she said, uh, I, I'd never heard of this. And she said, yeah. One time I went to, I went to Greece and I went into a restaurant and I told them I'm allergic to olives. Yeah. You just can't go to Greece. Yeah. The person said what? The person said, why did you come here? Well, I did. You come here, you wouldn't be able to do anything. Like, everything would have been touched by that at some point. Every, everything touched by an olive, it's drenched in olive juice. Wow. Yum. Dr. Olive Medicine, olive, Dr. Olive. Dr. Oz, Dr. Oz. A lot like Dr. Oz. Speaking of which, your first lunch pail. Wizard of Oz. Mm-hmm. I had, I remember that from last episode. I, I had a Marvel Superhero's. Lunchbox. Did you? Yeah. What were the super, who were the superheroes on it? The Fantastic four of course. All four of 'em. All four, okay. They all, they got 'em all together. Wow. Did you carry, that's like when I, to pose for this lunchbox. That's like when I saw Buster Rhymes and he brought out the entire flip mode squad. I couldn't believe it. Did you carry your lunchbox in your hand and then wear a backpack? Or did you put it in your bag? I feel like I carry, I honestly don't remember. I think I carried it cause I think I was proud of it. I don't think that I had a, and it was like a little suitcase. Yeah. Carry. You didn't have a backpack. Yeah. It was almost like you were carry little businessman going. My little briefcase. You have a book strap. No, I don't, I think, I think we kept everything at school. Oh. I don't think we had homework until, uh, this is pre giving kids homework when they're seven. So I, I didn't have homework until junior high, I think. Which is why, which is why my grades, my grades were great through. Elementary school and the minute there was homework, I started getting like, decents didn't have homework until junior high. I don't think so. God, I remember, it's crazy. I always had homework. I felt like it was always homework. Yeah, no, they, we, we would do stuff like, you'd get a project or something you had to do at home occasionally, but it wasn't like every single night you had to, or maybe you had to read a book or whatever. I hate projects. I hate projects. I grew up in them. So the idea, just looking outta the window in the good, watching the ass for group. The worst place, worst part about Shut up Lauren. The worst part about a project I, I ran out of lyrics. I knew by the way that you ha I was trying to help you. That you have to have, let me help you like the foresights like plan, show me out your schedule so that you do a little bit at a time. I would always be doing it all a day. I would do it all the weekend before. Yes, of course it was hell. Of course. Yeah. There's no other way to do, do it. You had like six weeks and then, but does, does any. Adult ever do anything with that kind of foresight? No, that's the thing. Why are they, why are they even giving kids stuff to do months in advance? It should be like you. It should be like this is the real world. You get something to do that you have to do all weekend and cram for it. But it should also just be you. They give you an assignment like, Hey, the end project is this thing, so this week you have to prove to me that you did this part of the project. Right. And that would actually train the brain. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And to, to do stuff like that. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. I had a, I had a Muppet show Lunchbox, and I remember there was a thing where if you were a guy and you had a female on a lunchbox, people would make fun of you and say you were in love with that person. And I had Muppets and there was Uhoh, there was one side had Miss Piggy on it, and everyone was like, you love Miss Piggy, you want to kiss her? You want to marry her? Wait, did you, I. I did. I loved her. She's fucking hot. I'm hoping I run into her. Isn't it strange to think that there is someone who is sexually attracted to that puppet? Yeah, there probably is. I mean, they're adults. They're absolutely. Do you think that they are then attracted to Frank Oz as well? Like, cause he does the voice. I bet they, I bet they have to think about it. I bet they do you think they're also attracted to Yoda? Yeah, they're definitely attracted to Yoda and Grover. Sure. I mean they, yeah. There are people with who about Bowfinger Fetish Bowfinger. He directed it. I don't get it. Franco directed Bowfinger, Lauren. Okay, now I get it. Thank you. Yeah, no, I mean, I guess there are like puppet fuckers out there. I don't know. Yeah, for sure. Yes. There, there's furries, there's, well, you worked on a show with puppets. Yeah. Do you ever hook up with any of them? Not that anyone saw when everyone else would go to lunch. What if, what if you were, take that little hot dog? I'd stay behind for just like a minute. What if you were attracted to puppets? But it couldn't be, if your own hand was in the puppet, it had to be someone else's hand in the puppet. Yeah. That would be very difficult. That's a very, it's a hard life specialized prostitution. Mm-hmm. Where it's like, I need somebody who's really, I need a prostitute who's very good. And I, and you couldn't bring puppet your own puppet either. Like you have to bring your, you have to bring a puppet. Yeah. You say, you say to the The sex worker. The sex worker provides the puppet. Yeah. Like, I'm sorry, it doesn't work if I bring a puppet. That's, I'm too used to it. I also need to see the puppet in advance to see if it's, Gonna be one that I am attracted to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot of stipulations. Ugly puppet. Do a lot of people. No puppet. Go to, you're the puppet prostitutes for they No puppet. No puppet. Haven't seen what they look like. I th like, um, I'm gonna be very careful about how I answer this, um, from what I understand. No. Like, you meet them outside and then you, I think, I think there's a lot of, like, you are told the person looks a certain way or you see a picture and then they show up and it's a totally different person. Mm. Oh, you think there's a lot of that? Yeah. I, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I guess it depends on how much money you are paying. And I, I think that if you are, if, if it's like high, high end, the less end, weirdly, the less you pay, the better you get. Really? Cuz they're hungrier for it. But I mean, it's like if you're, if you're paying a lot of money, like high, high-end call girls or whatever, I don't know. Mm-hmm. You would probably be able to order very specifically, this is what I want. Right. And you'd be happy with each I had a, I had a friend and I'm sure they have like pictures online and shit like that. Yeah. Now it's probably more, yeah. Me saying all this reminds me, I, I had a friend who was interested in purchasing the services of a sex worker, a friend, and then I, okay, here's the thing. And then I had another friend who worked at that on the side. Mm-hmm. As a sex worker. As a sex worker. And so I. My, I was like, oh, to my friend, I was like, oh, let me ask my friend how, how these transactions normally occur. And as I was talking to my friend, I realized she just thought that I was asking for myself, you know? But I purely was a middleman. And then Did you hook them up? No. No, not them up. Oh, you just got the information. He just wanted to know like, how does anyone ever even do this? Yeah. And so I was, so I asked her, I was like, how does someone do this? And she gave me the whole step-by-step, which I then passed on. You're like taking notes. Like, my friend will really enjoy this. My glasses on. My friend's getting hard right now, it seems, I will say it seems like a nightmare to me. Like just someone you don't know. But that's what some people like, yeah, I, yeah, I know what you mean. I was watching some like documentary thing about, um, what was it, bunny Ranch? Mm-hmm. Where it's like all the, and then these, this guy, there was like one story of this. They were following this one guy who. Was very socially awkward and like, just didn't have anything in his life like that could close any intimacy post. Yeah. Right. And so he had this relationship with this woman at the bunny ranch, and then he would see her like once a year. Cause he had to save up all his money cause it was really expensive. And then they would spend the whole weekend just like fucking, I guess, and then like doing activities and stuff. Mm-hmm. And just hanging out. And he just wanted to hang out with her, like outside the ranch. Um, probably just in the room, I'm guessing. Mm-hmm. But then like, it was the, he talked on camera and he was like, it it's the best time of my year. And like it was That's nice. Just, yeah, I know. It was kind. I don't, I, I go back and forth. I, I don't know whether it should be illegal or not. Oh, I think it should, should illegal. I think if people are, if the woman wants to do it mm-hmm then it's fine. Isn't it weird that you, that the, they, the women are mainly arrested for it instead of the, you know, but sometimes they're, I mean there are a lot of people doing it against their will. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And that's where it becomes complicated. Cause you don't know if it were legal, there would probably be less of that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's, well the, that's the why you legalize anything is to regulate it, I guess. Yeah. But I, I also feel like it, prostitution is not, is a thing that I don't think that I would ever use, but makes perfect sense to me, you know? Yeah. It's like, why not? It sounds good to me. Prostitution, it sounds good to me. That's the new campaign, just like regular people. There's a campaign like housewives, prostitution. It sounds good to me. Do you think the commercials would get better for like, when you see those, like those call lines? Yeah, those call lines. Which like, so come on. We can make better commercials than this. I mean, there are so many bad commercials still being made for like, just local companies where like, how did everyone say, yeah, this was good, or that person should be the one on camera. Do you know what I find kind of, I, I. This, it makes me weirdly happy is how the end of like infomercials is still the same. It has remained unchanged. Like that blue screen. Yeah. With that, with that white and yellow letter, right? Yeah. And the little box. Yeah. It's, it's remained the same forever. And there's something that's really comforting to me about that. Yeah. Yeah. You think like, uh, it would've evolved where people would've start using comic sands or something, but somebody's like, no, this works. This works. People Well, I bet, I bet. What happened is, and this happens in sketch comedy a lot, you put up something that's slightly different and you're like, no, it has to be the normal thing. Yeah. Otherwise people aren't gonna get it. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, people, people need to recognize it so quickly. Yeah. That you need to do this thing. It's gotta be a cliche thing. Royal, Royal blue screen. Yeah. Uh, the, the number is in yellow. Yeah. Uh, all the other type is in white. And then there's a, a sort of hazy, glowing box around the item that we're selling. I bet the editors have like, tried other things like, this looks better. Right. And you go, no, you don't recognize it as a thing. You should call, you're fired. You're fi you're fired. No puppet. You're the puppet. No puppet. No puppet. No puppet. No puppet. You're the puppet. Oh. Lauren. Lauren. Lauren. Tell us about Chicago. What do you wanna know? You love it, right? You know what I just found out that I'm really excited about? What is that Lena? Wait, went to my high school. I read that. And only two she was in, we were at school at the same time. Who? That? She created The Shy, which is a new show on Showtime. That's so amazing. What does she's on? She's on, she did the, the very famous Master of None episode about Thanksgiving, about coming. Uh, let's not talk about that. Well, should we talk about her? And she's amazing. Talk about her. Um, she's just really talented, but I would, and I've been like admiring her and like I've listened to her on a couple podcasts and just kind of following her. Mm-hmm. And is she younger or older than you? She's two years older than me. Okay. And I was So would you have been to school at the same time? We're in same time. Oh my God. I know. And I, my friend told me that and I was like, that's amazing. And she's on, um, NPR Fresh Air, talking about. Moving to Evanston from the south side and how it was like saved by the bell to her when she got to that high school. And, um, was she one of the, I haven't, God listened to whole episode. Was she one of the drama people that you mentioned were really good at it? Uh, no, I didn't, I don't think she was in theater because I didn't know her. And I pretty much went to all the shows, knew all the shows. Oh, okay. Yeah. But, um, I could be wrong. I could get in these, yeah. I was like, go watch them, I guess. Um, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. But, um, I just thought that was so cool. That's great. My school has a lot of amazing people that came out of it, so I, I feel like that was a really good one to mm-hmm. Add to the list. And do you, do you hope Mine just has me. Well, good for you. I'll have attention. Do you hope that like you'll be known as a, as a recognized alumna, alumnus, or, you know, I already am recognized by myself. Are you? Yes. Didn't we talk about this? About how they Yes. Did they, they invite you, they invite you back to do a show or something? Yes, and I, and there is a Wikipedia of notable alumni. Mm-hmm. Um, and I look at it. Is my school every so often. I'm gonna look it up right now and see who's been added Uhhuh. But you know who else went to my high school, who I just learned when I was looking at it. Audrey Ger, who wrote the Time Travel's Wife, which is a book I love. There's a lot of people that I'm Is the time was that a movie with Dom Gleason or whatever? The movie is not good. Okay. But the book is, is good. Amazing. Okay. But also it's cuz I liked the book so much. Maybe I didn't like the movie. I dunno if people who didn't see read the book liked the movie. Donald Gleason is my crush though. Who's your crush? Like that guy Gleason. Is he really? Yeah. Even he's my celebrity crush. I've never seen that. You've, wait any of them? No. You've never seen a single Star Wars movie? I think I saw the one with the, with the Ewoks when I was little. And you're just N Paul. She's never seen a Star Wars movie. I, I heard, I heard she's never seen Star Wars movie. She's never seen Star Wars movie. She's never seen Star Wars. She never, she never seen Star Wars movie. You're just not interested. I just don't want to see that You okay, so you, so you're not interested in, in sports. Not real. I could go to a sports game. You're not interested in Star Wars. Want to see that? What are you, what are you, what are you interested in? There's so much more out there. Like what? Like, like, uh, mama Mia. Sure. I've watched that. Um, you've watched like every live musical. Uh, yeah, but that's just like something I do at home for fun when like, they're coming on tv. That's what we're talking about. Things that you do for fun. What are you watching? Movies. This his job thing to do for fun. Things you do for fun for talking about watching a Star War and then go to the, you buy a featured prominently on three wishes. Here's the thing. Host by Amy Graham. Here's the thing. I am listed in the notable alumni for my high school's Wikipedia. Mm-hmm. But my name is spelled wrong. Oh, does it link to your actual page? Uh, no it does not. That's annoying. Terrible. And mine is annoying cuz it says I'm most known for being on. Are you there, Chelsea? Which I don't think is accurate. No. That not at all. What you No, no one knows what that means for what do you for podcast Super Stone? No, but I mean that is what you are maybe a show that people are aware of what it is. Maybe um, if anyone wants to go change that, I change it everyone in a while. Some I, I'm alerted to someone sends this to me that someone in Congress or something keeps changing the Comedy Bang bang Wikipedia page. Yeah. Someone in isn that Congress. Yes. Yeah. Cause anytime they, there's a member, there's some member of Congress or somebody who works in a congressional office who's updating the Comedy Bang Bang Wikipedia page. Cause why it says who did it? Like, because I think when you. Yeah, because it like says where I think anytime it's from, anytime Congress does somebody, the government does that. Yes. So weird. Yeah. That's hilarious. So shout out to whomever, uh, it's Donald Trump. I'm assuming it's Rand Paul. It's probably Steve King from Iowa. Iowa. We all listed three people. We hate the thing. Would you guys ever get into politics? No. No. No, I can't. I feel like I've said I can't. I've said so many. But that's, that's, I mean, unfortunately, oh, that doesn't matter anymore. I guess this is a bad thing to bring up, but Al Franken, all he had to do was basically just say like, I was a comedian. I said some things mm-hmm. That were offensive that I found funny at the time. I, I'm a serious person now. I don't, I don't stand by those comments. I don't know if you did something like that. I don't know. It's true. Because now we're in this, there so many No, look, I was a comedian. I grabbed people's asses. Uh, I thought it was hilarious. And it was, and everyone liked it. Everyone liked it. Look it, I think that's what they don't talk about. We are in a weird time where like so many celebrities are becoming, These people that like everyone has a known past. Yeah. Yeah. So that I, I think you could get over, I mean, when I was at the White House, they, oh, boy. Were saying, there we go. Well, when I was there, they were sent, I went bowling and I really did. I, I'm the fucking, I'm the only person here who hasn't been to the White House. I got a strike. I, I, I got 10 points first. I, I, I didn't want go, I, so I didn't go the first bowl, the first ball I bowled was a strike. And I was like, well, I can't get better than that. So I just didn't continue. That's cool. Um, but no, they were saying that they, they were gonna invite, they, they were having an event with YouTube people and there was was a cer siro YouTube. Oh my dear boy, they, you got to go cause you're a vlog. All your hall videos. Hey guys. Hey guys. Unboxing videos. I just got a new bark box for my dog. We're just gonna pack it here. Okay. So this is, uh, this is a squeaky tour. So they were having an event for YouTube stars and they, they mentioned a certain YouTube star that they couldn't invite because of beauty pie, because of a, because of a video they had done. Oh. Um, and I, and I said to them, so, Um, how does that work? Do you have to watch, like do you read about certain videos they've done or they say Anyone who, who comes here to meet the president? We have to watch every single video they've made or listened to every single thing they've ever done. No way. This is a job op used to have. Yeah. They've the what a waste of time. Yeah. And because they have to make you saying everything we say, they have to make sure that it's, they're not putting the president next to someone who's gonna have controversy or whatever. And I was like, can I ask you a question? Why am I here? And they said, well, if the president really wants to hear, we just don't bother with it. Oh. It's like, thank God, because I started to get kind of, Freaked out about it. Sure. As I was getting there that I would be turned away at the peak. Well, they have really strict rules cuz uh, I was there for a comedy festival and a bunch of people went to go bowling and, um, and a woman was turned away because she had a D UI from like 15 years before dui. Mm-hmm. At the epidural. She says, yeah, you had to go through a security check once you get in the right or to get into the place. Um, that was my fear, was like at the door they would be like, oh, by the way, we just found, you know, whatever. It's, well, well then I saw that I was like, Geez. I had no idea they would even, yeah. First of all, why do you care? Cuz that Yeah, doesn't really matter. What does that, yeah, what does that have to do with anything? I'm not saying DUIs are great. No, but like, yeah, but yeah, you're not driving there. You have, yeah. I don't know. You're not like getting behind the wheel of a car in the White House bowling alley. That'd be fun. It was a special day at the White House. Um, Nate, we're going to drive cars. And both is that, Hey, you know what? You should watch if you haven't, is that David Letterman interview with Obama and, oh, I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, I wanna see. It's really good. I wanna see it. I really like it. Um, but that is my ultimate fear, that sort of like when I was going to Vancouver that time, uh oh yeah. That just turned away at the, at the actual border or something. I get, I get so nervous about that shit and I have nothing. There's nothing, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, there's no, but I still, I just assume, well, border bo crossing a border makes me so nervous. Had I had a warrant for my ar I would occasionally have warrants for my arrest out there for years. Occasionally you have reasons to be afraid for not, for not paying a ticket. Right. Basically, it's like really extreme and it turns into, like, you don't pay it for so long. It, it turns into, I mean, why didn't you just pay it? Well, I have all the look. You couldn't gamble in Vegas enough to No, no, no, no, no. This is, this is after all that. I, I have these theories about like, you know, How excessive you don't, you don't support the man giving tickets. No. Excessive tickets and stuff are all designed to keep poor people poor, right? Sure. And it just compounds as, as, you don't have enough money to pay them, it just compounds and they, they, they can just basically like, just keep you down. Anyway, so I had these. I had these tickets for a long time that were just hanging over my head for years, and they would go away at seven year, at the seven year mark. They, they, wow. They go away. But I would just be obs just really nervous about being pulled over for years at a time. Yeah. Because if they pull you over and it pops up, you're, you go to jail. Right. Jesus. No. Worth it. And, and so for. For five year stretches. Sometimes I would have these things hanging over my head and then something would happen where I would would get a ticket for something else and they'd go, you have a warrant, you need to pay this. And then I would have the money or whatever. So anyway, so going to other countries or whatever, I remember I once went with Andy Dick to Vancouver. He was gonna, no, boy, he was gonna romantic getaway or he was, he was gonna do a comedy death Ray show that we had booked up there. And so I was on the same flight and we were, we went through the airport, we got all of our luggage, all this kind of stuff. And as we're walking out, someone taps him on the shoulder and says, oh, right this way. And we never saw him again. Yeah, I remember that. What I were there when you were there. Yeah. Well, they, they. Knew who he was. I don't understand. They took him into another room and kept him there for three hours. But So cuz they, they knew who that was. They knew, they knew who he was coming cuz of who they had house. They, they pulled him up. That's the thing. I, I could never understand why they didn't I, his name was flagged. Yeah. Why they, why they don't let not allow you to buy, to buy the ticket because like what a drag Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get there to the border. Exactly. Yeah. Um, do you know what you were doing Scott? I was gambling. Wow. By gambling. Gambling those tickets. Yeah, that's true. You like the action That would stress me out so much to have that going on. Yeah. I would just, I pay tickets like the day I get them Right. I get get so many. Well, nowadays. Yeah. Yeah. But at the time when you, when you're struggling for me, well, yeah. Of when course I'm struggling to, like, you can't afford it. Every, every $10 counts towards, you know, going to No, no. I totally get it. But I would feel so over good temp. I would feel so I remember once I was pulled over with, with coop, I think, and, and, uh, it was within. A six year period or something, and I got pulled over on the highway and I was like, uh, I think I'm going to jail now. She didn't know all that stuff. I'm gonna jail now. All right. We need to take a break. We'll be right back. Welcome back to Freedom. It's official freedom. That's who we're Freedom, freedom, freedom. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know my arrest story, right? Have I told you guys this? No. When I, this was, you see? Was this in Philly? This is in Philly. I was like Philadelphia, not freedom. Probably 19 or two. Philadelphia. It's so hard to have a conversation with the three of us because any sentence makes us think of a song or just some other kind of interruption. Yep. Blah, blah, blah. It's like three people with the same disorder. It really is trying to get through a storm. Sort of good for broadcasting, bad for. I was either like 19 or 20 and, um, I used to, I had to take the, um, the subway to get to work in Philly. I didn't know, I guess I didn't know that Philly had subways. Yes, we're very modern. I like subways. I I do too. I love the both. I love every kind of subway. I do like both. I was, for a while I was on a diet where I ate subway sandwiches almost every day. I remember that. I remember. And it was, and it, like Jared, the fucking pedophile. Yeah. And I was on, I had some similar things going on. I was pedophile, diet only subway, but it, uh, it did make me lose weight. And, uh, that scandal, first of all, I love a scandal. I hate that he did it, but I get excited when there's some crazy ass thing happening. I guess so it's, it's the, it's the, I know what you mean. It's the weirdness. I can't believe, believe we're living in like what? It's the weirdness of the details. Yeah. Like the, the subway sandwich guy. That's, that's so insane. Or even just like the Tony Harding saying like, yes. Thinking about that I'm say that I kinda love when something can insane this. We'll get, we'll get to your story in a second, but Yeah. I was obsessed with the OJ trial. Yeah. Or Oh yeah. A bowl a year and a half. I watched it every day. If that happened now, I would've been watching it all. But I, I time, I re I made the connection the other day of all the Trump stuff, uh, of like being impeached and all this kinda stuff of like, oh, it's the same thing for me as the OJ trial where I'm upset. Well, it's, it's the opposite for me. Where, well, it's not gonna happen. I honestly, I dread every day. I've gotten into the habit now of like, what is, what is it gonna be today? I know, but for me, it's the same, like new details. I'm so excited. Ugh. But it's gonna have the same outcome. But see, like I'm, I'm obsessively refreshing Twitter, but not in an excited way. Yeah, I know. It's, it's like, what's happening? What's happening? What's happening now? Anyway, what's your subway story? I was, I was, I was 19 or 20. I was working retail and I was headed home on the subway. At the hat store? Yeah. Mm-hmm. And at Haber dash ring. Hats in the bell. Hats in the belfry. Hats in the belfry. What if it was bats in the belfry and it sold hats. And everyone's like, you know, you could have made it hat Oh. Couldn't afford that be, um, I was, couldn't afford it. I was standing on the platform waiting for the train, unlike Jerry Seinfeld, when, this was back when I smoked and I was smoking a cigarette, and I'd seen people smoke on the subway before. And So in the actual car, yeah. Well, I, yeah, I'd seen people smoke on the train before, and this is probably in the late eighties. Late eighties. Yeah. Okay. And so I, I had just lit up the cigarette and the train came and I was like, well, I've seen people do this before. What's a big deal? Mm-hmm. It's, its, so, it's like one 30 in the morning, you know? Right. And, um, I must sound kind of cool. And you looked like Dennis Leary. I was very cool. I looked like Dennis Leary, Andrew Deice Clay. I had an attitude. People thought I was a rascal and so I, I get on the subway with the cigarette and I go, one stop. Mm-hmm. The doors open and a cop says you and like gestures for me to get off the train. Oh my God. Was this cigarette still in your hand lit? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And so I, or did they know that you were doing it and he was waiting for you? That couldn't be possible, right? No. Okay. He was just already saw you just happened to be there. Saw me doing an illegal thing. Okay. And so he's like, get off the train. I don't know. Do they have a sensor? And they're like, someone's smoking a cigarette. Get to the next stop. No, it was just a horrible coincidence of wrong place, wrong time. Like you've seen people get away with it, but you didn't know. Yes. You thought it legal. Somebody was like so late. There's hardly nobody on the train. And so this cop tells me to get off and he says, put out the cigarette. Please get off 22 positions in a one night stand. Oh, he sang the entirety of get off. He did a little dance. He did a little dance. Now I don't eat ribs. Victoria. It sucks. So I got off and I'm thinking, oh great, now I'm gonna have to wait for the next fucking train. And he like, does he take you down to the station? I. Yeah, he said, he says, step over here, put your hands against the wall. Oh my God. And he starts frisking me. It's not just a ticket. No, he's, he, he, he's like, do you have any needles in your pockets? Anything? I have to be aware of any drugs on you. And I'm like, Uhuh, no. No. And the whole time I'm like, my God, is this really happening? He fucking hand handcuffs me behind my back and takes me up the escalator and the, I'm just like numb. Like, what's going on? Right? Yeah. And I said, what's going on? Is this like a, uh, is this like a real arrest? Is this not a real arrest? Zeus's not a real arrest Mr. Officer. Now it is like a sickness. And I said, is this like a real arrest? And he said, well, it's like a, it's like a, a parking ticket. And I said, do they usually put people in handcuffs for parking tickets? And then he just stared at me, and then I stopped asking questions. Oh. And so he took me. So he was abusing his power. Yeah. Yeah. Like this guy. Does he to do this? He tough to handcuff you. Yes. It's like, what the fuck? Do you care? Wait, but did you go to the station? They put you behind bars? Yes. He took me, yes. That's insane to me. They, they took my fucking, were you belt and shoelaces and they put me in a holding self. Your shoes. I was Would you have committed suicide if they left him in? Yeah, I would've. I mean, it's all over now. I mean, that was a good call. I would've, um, I, yeah, I was scared. I was like, what is happening? You know? Did you have to share it with a cellmate? Scary. No. I was in this little cubicle cell by myself. And there was bars or was just There were bars. Yeah. Okay. And then, and like a little bench. Just make it, just make it doors. Bars are better. What are we fucking around with bars for? Well, now I can see out there. It's nice air coming in. The bars are good. But there were guys, there were guys in the cell next to me. Who were I? Ironically, they, they asked me for a cigarette and, uh, I Please don't bring that up. Yeah. And, uh, oh, there were, so there was a guy, there were guys on either side of the, could you have smoked in the jail? No. Jail. So why were they, I, I forget the cigarette they asked me for. You wanted to barter? I was, I was the middle man. Like, they asked me to pass something down to the guy next to them. Oh, wow. And I think it was, and I couldn't reach them. Uh, it was fucking, it was ridiculous how long I was there for. Probably like an hour. How long must we sing this song? How long? Yeah. Now we have to make a rule. You can't do it to yourself if, if a thing you say reminds you of a song there, okay. You cannot sing that song. All right. You got it. Got it done. That seems fair, right? Done. Yeah, totally fair. So, um, I was there for about an hour and then they let me go, um, let my people Old man River. Wait, she sang low. No, I know that's a low song. So there was a there was, I was Did you pay a court date? Okay. I had to, I had to go to court, had, this is sad. The day of the day of my court appointment, there was like this, like this massive snowstorm in Philly. And uh, I woke up and I was like, I'm never gonna make it there on time. And I went back to sleep. Then they, they sent a postcard to my house that said, you have this new date and you have to show up for this. I wish you were here. Yeah. At that, at that point I was still living with my parents. Just a picture of the judge smiling. My mom got the postcard. I was like, what is this Uhoh? And I said, that must be some mistake. And I, I later I Oh, does that, does that ever work? It did. I totally lied. Wow. I said, let find out what this is. And I totally lied to her and said, this is what happened. And they got me confused with somebody else. And, um, one arm man. Yeah. And I don't care. So then, um, I that I, I tried to go to that court date and I couldn't find the place and I was like, I fucked. Did you have a guy and stuff and you were No. Wow. You're reminding me of something I kind of blocked out, which is I was arrested and in jail for four years. I was, I had a few car accidents cause I told you about on another episode. Mm-hmm. And I had to go to With a friendly police officer. Yes. Oh that's right. But I had to go to traffic school, beep beep. Um, and do like many hours of it. And it was horrible. But I did a couple hour, what? I think it was one, what are you doing? I was doing sounds of the car pee. I, um, no, I think I had to go for like two full days of like Travis school on the weekend. Mm-hmm. And it was really boring and awful. Do the one I one and then I go to court one. Oh, okay. Well, I had to go to court first, I guess, and that was part of my like punishment. Well, but I did kinda forgot I was, court is usually part of the punishment. No, I mean, I'm saying the school was part of the punishment from the Right. Okay. So they sentenced you to like, okay, well we will get it down to just traffic school. Yeah. But I was, I remember I was so scared. I went to court and my dad, I totally forgot. I was, I remember I went to court once for one of those tickets that I had, and I, uh, I thought it was just a go buy thing. Mm-hmm. And, and a clerk would do something. Mm-hmm. You know, like stamp it or you pay it or whatever. And they're like, okay, just, uh, go sit there in the courthouse and then the judge is gonna call you up. I was like, wait, I'm literally going before a judge right now. Yeah. On tv. Not on TV right now. It's very scary. Um, yeah. And so, and, and then the, and then they were, They had so many people they were trying to say like, look, speed it along. You're gonna make the judge mad if you don't just say guilty. Yeah. Just say, just say guilty to anything. Yeah. They're like telling everyone, just say guilty, otherwise you're gonna make the judge mad because we have way too many people, so just say guilty. And so every single person pretty much would get up there and just say, guilty. And then the judge would cut you a break if you said guilty. Cause they were all the same kind of infractions. It's all the same, right? Yeah. Just so, so they would cut you a and it would save you several hundred dollars. Right. I remember, I think the, I said guilty and it was like a, I think warrants at the time were like $750 or something like that. And they, they got it down to 100 or whatever. Mm-hmm. And I was afraid 100, 200. I was afraid they were gonna make me pay 700 bucks. Yeah. Which I didn't have or whatever. But No, but, but I was just shaking there. And then one person didn't say Guilty, not guilty. And the judge was like, I. You, are you sure you wanna do this? And he's like, yes, I'm not guilty. So I want to say not guilty. And they had to set up a court date and all this kind of stuff. Oh God. But it just reminded me of just how much the system is designed to make you just like, well, I confess to things. I never knew how much the monetary value of my infraction and I never made it to the courthouse. So they issued a bench warrant for my arrest. Oof. And I, I sweated that for a little while and it's so weird because on the one hand, and then what, I'm terrified of all this stuff, but I think the thing, I was terrified to actually go in the first place, which led to just compounded the fear of when you, well now you're really in trouble, right? When you don't know what's gonna happen in. Yeah. It causes almost paralysis. Fear. Fear of the unknown is like fear of the unknown that that had when I was younger. That was a big problem for me, was a big thing for me. And it's always been my whole life of just, if you don't know what a situation is like it's tough to go into it. Yeah. Whereas now I think you could read enough online about certain situations like this that you would go, okay, I think I know what's gonna happen when I get in there. But even like, even like driving to a place that I don't know, for an audition or something like that, hated the first time I go to a place and I don't know the, the route. Yeah. I am like, I have so much anxiety about getting there on time, not getting lost, whatever. Mm-hmm. And then the second time it's like, oh, this was a five minute drive, you know? Yeah. Right. In, in. But the first time it seems like an epic journey. Those people who can just. Go do something or talk to someone they don't know or mm-hmm. You know, anything like that or just confounding to me. Yeah. And I don't know why that is. I don't know. I know. What is it about? I feel the same way. And what is it about, I don't remember ever being brought up that way of like, please don't talk to someone you don't know. Or please, like, please be afraid of. What context are you thinking of? I'll take this one, Scott. I have, uh, my cousins on both sides are very outgoing people, both sides. Very, very good cousins on both sides. Very good cousins. Very, I've seen your family from both sides now. So they have that thing of, you could be at a bar with them and see them up at the bar talking to someone and you would think, oh, they ran into an old friend of theirs. Oh, I'm, and it's a person. So not like that person. It's a person they've never met before. I like hate that. Like, I, I think it's great. No, no, no. I love it in other people. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I love it in other people. I admire the trait, but I, when someone approaches me in a familiar way, yeah. It, depending on my mood, it really bothers me. Right. If I'm in the mood, I can like go. Has anyone ever approached you in a friendly way and acted like a friend when they're really just like someone who knows like a fan or whatever? That's what I don't like. When they're like, that's, Hey, Lauren. Hey. And then you, oh yes. You're like, oh, if I say name, we know each other. Oh, hi. How's it going? And then, hey, that bothers me. Because it's just so familiar. It's just not fair. Cause it sets up the, an interaction, you don't know what you're getting yourself into, right? Yeah, exactly. Um, but I think every single conversation anyone ever has, they should state their full name and state their business, their intention. Yes. I was traveling with my dog over the holidays and that was an invitation for a lot of people to talk to me mm-hmm. That I did not sign up for. Dogs are, but I was in the, I was in a good mood because I was excited to go home and, I don't know, I just was in a good mood for both. How did, how did the dog travel? I don't do really, we talking about it on a previous episode, I feel like we were, I don't think we did, but she did a really good job. She was, I mean, she was like skittish in the airport, but like mm-hmm. Once I put her in the bag, she didn't like being in the skid in the airport. Kinda skittish kinda of skidish. Skid. Skid. Oh, that was the song. That was the song you posted. What? That thing from that fucking video game that, that computer game. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And you posted something that fit into the, the rhythm of beer in the bathroom. Yeah. Then I had to go look that song up. Um. I put, what'd you think? One of my favorites. Uh, it's a good song. It was fun. It's a good song, but I was really just trying to understand a tweet, so I was like, got it. Um, it was a fun journey. It was fun. But my dog did a good job, but there were people who would just like really get into with me and then they would be like, oh, and you're on the, this show. And then, and then, so then I'm talking to 'em for like 20 minutes in a security line or something where I'm like, but it, I was in a good mood, so it was good. I don't mean to sound like that. It's just that feeling of like, normally I keep to myself and I just go through things. And so then I was like, well, my dog really is, everyone wants to talk and then the people wanna show me their dog. And so I ran into Kevin on the way home. We were on the same flight and weird. He's sitting next to me silently right now. Gross. And this is almost like you're on an airplane. He witnessed this. Yes, he witnessed this. So I had my dog, and then this man was like, Uh, like really into the dog and talking to me about the dog a lot. And then sh was like, oh, our dog is kind of like that and, you know, whatever. Just like, oh, our dog is part Chihuahua, which my dog is, but they didn't look anything like, and then he came back with like photos and videos of his dog after. Like, he went and sat down for a while, then he like walked back up to me. He's like, here's my video of my dog. I'm like, it just, I can't imagine who the, this just crossed over into videos of your dog. Yeah. I just can't imagine it. Like after the fact videos. Yeah. Who would care at all ever? Like, dogs are in invitation to talk. The first dog I got, I didn't realize it. I didn't, I didn't really know that. Because what, like, I don't really interact with a lot of people in my neighborhood with her, so it's not really like a thing that I've witnessed. Or What's your address? I feel bad now because I've talked to people about their dogs. No, I think people like's like it, it's it'ss fine. And also it didn't really bother me, which was the interesting thing. It was just like, I don't need to honestly talk attention, go on that. I'll talk to people about my dog that I would be aghast at ever having a conversation with on a black person. Come on Paul. Well then there was this man, wait, then there was a man who did bother me. There was a man, okay. And I was sitting on, I was sitting on the floor like it was gonna be boarding time there on the plane. Oh no. And there were no seats. And so I just sat on the floor with her and then this man comes up to me and he is like talking to me about the dog. And he is like, oh wow. She, uh, gonna be, is she been on a flight floor? You know, all these questions. And I was just like, no. But I was trying, I was really cutting it off because he seemed a little weird. Mm-hmm. And then he was like, He walked, kind of was meandering around me, kind of like then like popping over to me, like circ circling, you sort, kinda sort of like a buzzard as if he's looking at other things and then kind of talking to me again, and then kind of looking away and then kinda talking. And then he, he goes, and I was kinda just getting more and more shut down because I was just like, I don't care about this non-verbal cues. Yeah. So I was trying to get my non-verbal cues and then he came back to me with his phone and it was just a wallpaper of a picture of a woman. And it said, I, I, I'm just showing you this by the way. I'm not hitting on you. This is ah, and I was like, he didn't even say like, this is my wife. He didn't explain the story. This, this is a woman that I love with just so I'm not, I'm not hitting on you. And I was like, I don't, it wasn't what I was thinking, but that's fine. But thanks and whatever. And like for clarifying, I was like, I just don't like talking to fucking weirdos, but yeah. Um, who have weird pictures. And then when I landed in Chicago, I. I l I ended up standing right next to his, there was a bag by itself. Of course, I shouldn't have stood by it, but I like did. And then it was his bag. If you see something, stand by it. He was off wandering around talking to more people and then I realized, oh, maybe he just really is this annoying. Right? Like someone was pulling their kid on like a little like scooter toy and he's like, is that yours or did you run that from, I'm like, oh God, you don't have to every detail about every person's life, just leave them alone. So I, how many buttons on that shirt? He maybe wasn't really hitting on me. He was just annoying. Yeah. Speaking of planes, can you, did you ever fly on a plane when people did smoke on them? Yes. I, I smoked on a plane. That crazy. Yeah. Think about it now. It's in insane. When was it illegal? It's insanity. When was it made? Illegal? Uh, I wanna say mid nineties or something. Mid nineties. It must been, I guess, ilu. I, the first time I went to, um, to London. My sister lived there at the time. And I flew on a plane and sat in the smoking section and smoked cigarettes and like, like a curtain could keep fucking ridiculous. Smoke. So nasty disgust. Oh, it's disgust. Disgusting. Nasty. It, nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty. Just nasty. Sitting outside at a restaurant. You're nasty. We're just doing impressions of you now. It's good. It's good now. I was sitting outside at a restaurant recently and these men were standing there smoking right next to the restaurant. And then my friend had to tell 'em to move Cause it was so gross. It was like, yeah, well it's supposed to be, what, 10 feet away or something like that? Yeah. And they were just right there and it was like, don't you see we're all sitting here? And that just comes right where I'm eating. And it's just, yeah. When I see someone dri smoking while they're driving and they're, they're just sitting there and they have a cigarette and they. Oh, they blow smoke out of the side of their mouth as they're driving it. It, it is crazy to me. I can't, I am shocked that people, if you, if you smoke out there, I, I, you know, I'm sorry I'm talking. No. You know, I'm completely shocked that people smoke. Smoke. Well, let me take this because I used to smoke. If you smoke out there, stop doing it. It stops terrible. It's, I'm so shocked that anyone would start now. Yeah. That's when it really gets weird. I can't believe it's still around. Yeah. I can't believe it's still around. It seems very archaic. You think it would just become really unpopular and people would be like, no, that's not a thing that a one doesn't. Well, I think in LA it kind of is where people like look down upon it. I, uh, it, it's, I, you see it so infrequently now in la LA's, so many fucking actors smoke. True. It's great. But when I lived at, it's so stress. When I lived in the Midwest, it seemed like everyone did and they all did it in basements. Like know, oh, my whole childhood. Like a lot of my relatives smoke inside and yeah, my grandparents and. You know, older generations. Mm-hmm. Uh, if you do it, stop it. Paul, what's the book that, uh, you recommend people read? The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr. I read that book and have not had a cigarette since 2006. Wow. That's amazing that the book was your trick. I've never heard of a book being the way People Stop. Oh, the Bible who's stop me from killing people stops me from everything bad I want to do. Look, we need to take a break. We'll be back. We need to, we'll be back. Hey, welcome back. Hey, welcome back. Hey, well, hey, welcome back. Hey, welcome back. Hey, welcome back, Mor. Oh no. Oh no. Oh, no. Dodgy. Oh no. Dodgy territory. Dodgy territory. As in the dodgy erritory. The dodgy territory. Um, welcome back. Uh, we're going and now's the time of the show. Now's the time of the show where we play, where we have feature a feature. Paul, what do you got? Welcome to feature. What do you got Paul? I have feature today. Um, this is, uh, a little game called, it was a little game called Press conference. Ooh. And now here. Sounds fun. Tell us all about it. Mary. Oh, Mary, did you, did you know Mr. Belvedere sat on his own mo point that Jack a Talk 2 27 talking, talking about Mr. Belvedere? Sure. I feel like that's something Doug Benson did, so I want to give credit. It makes sense. That makes sense. Credit work. Doug brings that up a lot. Mm-hmm. That Mr. Belvedere sitting on his own ball. Oh, he did, he did. That impression of him. Maybe that's why I'm thinking he did that impression. Yes. Yeah. Don't know. Anyway, press conference is a game where. Two of us will choose a celebrity, so a famous person and the other person. Will, unbeknownst to them be that celebrity and they have to guess who they are from the questions that the other two of us will ask. And are we trying to lead them into guessing or do we want to, uh, keep it from them as long as possible? I think we want to keep it from them as long as possible. Okay. While also, while also asking true questions, are asking questions you would ask of this person? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. So who's up first? So we, we have some celebrities written down. I'll tell you what, I'll be, I'll, I'll, I'll be First up guys. You'll be first up you guys. Okay. So, so let us, uh, I will not look. Okay. We have Chef Kevin over here. Uh, will you show Oh yes. Very quickly. Yeah. I was playing a game online. Mm-hmm. On an Xbox. You play a game. I was playing. Oh, you playing game game. That's an inside joke for us. I was playing a video game and, uh, and. There's an online component. So I'm playing against strangers. Right. And I am flying a spaceship and I get killed. Mm-hmm. And it says you were killed by Chef Kevin. 27. And is it this dude? It is not. Oh, okay. It's some other weirdo, some other sh chef who named himself after our own chef, Kevin. There's 27 of them. He is not at least the first guy we, you think his name. You were playing an online game with people who knew you or you? No, no. You have an alias. What and what is it? I have a code name. What is your code name? I will never read. S Chef Kevin. 29. Yeah. Okay. So Kevin, will you give, uh, will you show the name of the first one to Lauren and I? Yes, and, and don't show us the others because we will then know the answers to all the others. Got it. Good. Okay. You're just about to show every single name to both of us. Sorry, can you dig it? I knew that you could. Don't show the back of that paper to me either. Don't show the back of that paper to me. Okay. All right. I must just ruin it. Yeah. Okay. You wanna ask the first question? Yeah. Excuse me. Are we, so yes, I have, I have time for a few questions. I'm a reporter. I have time for a few questions. Um, she's not a reporter. Yes, I am. She snuck in here. Yes, I am. No, I know her. Go, go ahead, stretch. Um, I wanted to know, you wanted to know, I want to know. You just asked the question if you're a real reporter. Okay. Is it true you have, well, God, this is, you guys. Go for a, to understand how the game goes. Um, I'll come back to you later. Excuse me. Yes. Uh, person of a non-specific gender. That's right. Are you a puppet? Well, I'm no puppet. I'm no puppet prep. You're the puppet. Maybe, maybe. Uh, no, I am not. I'm a real person. Hmm. Okay. Alright. Okay. Excuse me. Yes. Gotta go on. Is, is your suit really yours or is it made for someone else? That's a bizarre question as far as I'm concerned to go. Well, I mean, I'm trying to be, but you just asked me if I was a puppet and you think that's a bizarre question. These, uh, these are my clothes and, uh, uh, were were you asking were they made for someone else? Yes. Am I, are you asking am I wearing someone else's clothes? They just look a little large. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, um, you know, I recently had an illness, so I've, uh, I've lost some weight. Weight. Bad. You didn't die. It's too bad I didn't die. Uh, question over here. Yeah, sure. Gladly. From the Sacramento b Ooh, buzz Buzz. Jerry Seinfeld was interested in buying our paper. I don't know if you heard that rumor. No. Um, why do you leave your shirts on the floor of your bedroom? Because I'm the president of the United States and I do whatever I want. We go, were used to the bump thing. I was like, there's no way. It's Donald Trump. Right out of the gate, Kevin said, sorry. Was it the only name you wrote down? Yeah. No. This is the most famous person in the world. For good or for I would be next. That threw me. Threw me off? Yeah. Show them the money. Got it. I got it. Okay. Hello everyone. Hello. Hello. Hello. Questions? Questions? It's questions. Questions. It's questions. Yes. Um, I hope this isn't a delicate subject, but, uh, you don't have a very localized form of alopecia, do you? Hmm. No. I just, uh, don't wanna have hair there. Interesting, interesting. Thank you. I have a question over here. Question over here? Yes. Who do you think the next person will be to E egot? Oh, wow. Um, I think it's gonna be who, who will join your club? Hmm. Wow. I, you know, I think it'll be Oprah. Um, but who will join my club? Yeah. Well that was the question. You just answered it. Thank you. Bye. Uh, question, question. I'm gonna print this, I'm gonna print your answer Question. Question, yes. Question. Question. Um, did you consider other. Uh, ejaculatory phrases. Yeah. Did you, did you, did you, did you? No, that one seemed to be just the exact right one. That one's good for you? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Question over here. Question over here? Yeah. Uh, was it disappointing for you to have to star in that movie with that dinosaur? No. You know, he, are we still playing the game? Good friend? Um, I am I? No, God. Okay. Keep going. Keep going. Go over, over, over here. Question over here? Yeah. Do you take showers or do you still take those baths of milk? I'll never stop taking the bath baths of milk. Am I on man? Question here. Question here. Question here. What is Steven Spielberg like? I. Am I et? No, you're not. What a weird answer to my question. You got I egot, um, E got E Ego. I got E egot. Um, wait, who the fuck am I? Keep going. Question, question. Go ahead, judge. Looking back now, many years later, were you maybe a little upset that your boyfriend put on blackface? Yeah, I loved when he did that. I have no, a question over here. Question over here. Idea Question over here? Yeah. Your breakout film, what was it, do you think? Do you think that people got confused by the title and thought that it might be, uh, a sequel to Prince's breakout film? The color purple starring Whoopy Goldberg. Yes. That fell. That's correct me? Yes. Whoopy Gold, whoopy Goldberg. Okay. I need to go back to all these questions and learn all these things. What did you mean by the Cause? She has no eyebrows. She has no eyebrows, okay. Mm-hmm. And then blood's the blackface thing. What's the mil thing? Ted Danon. Ted Danon at the Friar's Club. When they, they were, were a couple. They were a couple. Ted Danon at Whoopi Goldberg. Yes. And he got up at the Friar's Club in blackface. Why? Yeah, because it's hilarious. That is so weird. Yes. And then did she really bathe in milk? She sent a picture to, to spike Lee of herself in a, in a milk bath. Oh, okay. There is a, uh, I'm looking for it right now. There's a. There was a really funny Ted dancing joke when we did it between two firms alive, between two firms with him. I loved Ted Dances about the blackface thing. Oh my God, what was it? I always forget about that blackface thing. It's so funny. Funny cause I love him so much. I'm, look, I'm looking for it right now. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't think we, I don't think we used it, but is it was, uh, really funny. I'm looking for it. I'm looking for it. I have all the jokes here. Um, what's the weirdest place you ever made? Whoopi Goldberg one. Um, gosh, where is it? Okay. Does, do you guys have one for me? Oh, yeah. He shut. Kevin walked outta the room. Kevin, what the fuck? But he gave it, he gave it to Sam. So, okay. So close your eyes. Stop, Kevin told me again. Sure. Close your eyes. I'm, I'm looking at this, so go ahead. Okay, I got it. Okay. Okay. You, uh, I'm still looking for this, but, uh, I still looking. Still looking. Oh, here's one. You did a black face routine at the roast of your then girlfriend, Whoopi Goldberg. How ashamed are you that you once dated? Whoopi Goldberg. Okay. Did you, but you didn't, did you ever ask him did he get up? I, I can't remember which ones we actually asked because we didn't tape it, so it was very fun though. Okay. All right. Glad, I'll one over here asking a question. Yes, sir. I thought you had a question. Well, I, Dom, I'm sorry. I have a terrible stammer. Oh, I understand. When you were younger, did you ever visit your father at work? Uh, quite often. It was a big thrill for me to visit my father at work. Yes, I enjoyed it over here. All of those Sundays over here? Yes. Over here. Over here. Um, do you wish that your sketch career wa was more successful or are you happy with the way things went? I think, uh, life happens the way it happens and I'm obviously a success now. Um, so the fact that I was in sketches early on that didn't quite pop is fine to me now because it wouldn't have led me to where I am right now. May and I am Robert Downey Jr. By the way. Me? No, you're not. Okay. Why would you say that? What a weird thing. Me? Yes. Over here. When did you first start? When did you first start? When did I first? Yes. Go ahead, let him stammer. Same guy. I'm the same guy. I call him the same guy. All right. Well, there's only two people at this press conference, which is surprising. Very unsuccessful press conference. Oh, it's weird that you're giving a press conference. We don't need to. Uh, when did you first notice that there was a problem with your eyes? Mm, well, uh, definitely when I looked in the mirror and, uh, they didn't work. Uh, or, or I saw the problem with them. So it's gotten more serious. Uh, am I daredevil by the way you Yes. Here. Do you fear. Cutting your hair or does it excite you? Do I fear it? Mm-hmm. Am I Adrian Brody's ROIC character? No. Um, um, do I fear cutting my hair? No, I don't. Uh, it's very exciting to me. I always enjoy it. It's one of my great, great pleasures of my life. A baby? Yes. I'm calling out a baby. Baby snuck into a room. Would you say that you have more friends now than you used to do I have more friends now than I used to? I have more friends. Yeah. It may have be the same exact number. No, I think I have more. Are you, um, am I Hank Williams Jr. With all my rowdy friends. Um, hold on. Oh, look, I got nothing but time. I, you feel, I obviously stayed to press conference for two people. Do you feel frustrated by the tabloids obsession with you? Mm, I obviously it's not, it's not something I love, but, uh, you know, it's, uh, it's part of life now. It's part of my life. Hey, hey. Yes. Over here. Yes. How important to you is your Greek heritage? You know what, uh, without it, I wouldn't be who I am today. I mean, my mother and father had sex and that causes heritage, so I wouldn't exist. It wouldn't exist. So I, uh, and being Greek and being who I am, uh, a Greek former sketch actor, and I don't remember any other detail other than I have friends and maybe more friends, all my friends. And your eye problem. And my eye problem. Well, and you also, I, I think you must have lot really chronically dry skin considering how much lotion you use. Are you worried that people will see pictures of you before your plastic surgery? Plastic? Do you feel that you have to drink only one brand of water? Am I, I'm obviously Jennifer Aniston. Thank you. Cute. And that's how you play per fry. Yay. That was fun. That was fun. Good. Was fun. I enjoyed that. What's wrong with her eyes Sometimes she dry commercial for dry eyes. I deserve a dry, I don't think she does. Huh? That was Courtney Cox. Oh, sorry. She has the drive jacket. Do you remember the thing about the friend? What the friends, writers, there was like somebody who was like a writer's assistant or something. Yeah. Who had a lawsuit revealed. Had a lawsuit against saying that, that she didn't like the types of conversations they had in the writer's room. Yeah. That they were too sexual or something. And who, who said that the writer's assistant sued the show. Yeah. And because they said Courtney Cox's vagina was, no, I do. What was that about? They did say something about her vagina being filled with twigs. Oh, right. But yeah, like dead leaves or something. Like they, she was, they were making fun of the actor. Yeah. Because she was trying to get pregnant and couldn't get pregnant. Oh my God. Yeah. It was like the stuff that came out that's awful was legitimately horrible. Oh no. But then there was this whole discussion like, we need to do stuff like that. It's part of the creative process. That's why everyone's like, with all this Me too stuff too, like, oh yeah, what? So I can't flirt. This is a flirty business. Fuck off. A Florida business. It's a Florida business to declare the A Florida Les. See those two? Oh sir. This is a Florida business. There was that thing of like writer's rooms or the, the chill that falls over comedy writer's rooms like, am I allowed to say that joke? Oh God. Yeah. Well, anyways. Well anyways. Well, anyways, that was fun. Press conference was fun. It's great talking about news from months and months ago. Years in fact. Years. I hope me you isn't over time this comes. I know you done. I hope it's done. Um, you do. I'm sure you do. All right. Well, thanks. Thanks for listening. We're out of time. We'll see you next time. We love you. Bye. Bye. Bye ear. This has been an Earwolf Production executive, produced by Scott Ackerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit earwolf.com.

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